Mind will not SHUT UP

[breakdance202]

I can't stand it. Racing thoughts. Existence contemplation. Death contemplation. I can hear the thoughts of all those around me. When we die we turn into energy and become part of the world all around us. Wind through the trees and snow on the ground. Want to lay in it and stare up at the sky.

[Bubulous]

I'm glad you got some sleep but it sounds like you likely need some more.  The longer you go without sufficient sleep, the further you drift from reality.  This is ok sometimes as long as you do not do anything that is dangerous.  Keep checking in and let us know how you are doing.  I hope you can sleep tonight.

[breakdance202]

Three hours. Did some of the things you guys recommended. I was freaking out. Paranoid. Put some music on. Let my thoughts go along with the music, like the ocean or a river or a fountain. Water. Was nice actually. I kind of was half asleep and half awake and woke up when the playlist ended. Thanks for asking. I feel weird and like I'm dreaming. I keep on snapping my wrist with a hair thing so I know I'm really awake.

[Bubulous]

You would definitely benefit from getting some sleep and I hope you did get some last night.  How are you doing today?

[breakdance202]

I can't lose it. I have a three year old daughter and a husband and a job and I can't just take a life break. And our insurance *****. And the beds in hospitals suck and I hate asking to take a shower. Right now I'm freaking out. I'm scared. Scared. Scared! I can't do this. I have a bunch of alprazolam. Maybe a handful of that would help me sleep. I'm scared to move. I feel like there are faces watching me. I'm trying to watch a movie, hoping that'll make me tired, but I can't concentrate on it. Ive been on lamictal for three years. last appt doc put me on clonazepam to help me sleep. not working obviously. ill be okay. I just can't lose it. I have to focus.

[persephonedemeter]

I strongly advice not to wait until a February 11 appointment. My concern is that you may be having a reaction to the  lamictal besides not having  your bipolar disorder controlled. Thank you for the information that you have a new psychiatrist, but your husband has good reason to be concerned. This really isn't something you can just wing through or put up with.

I hate hospitals too, but I hate being ill and having my life disrupted even more. It is often that we seek out help later than sooner, and sooner saves us a lot of time spent on recovery and problems that come when we delay. That is something that I learned the hard way.

if you are the one who put yourself back on lamictal, you definitely need to see a doctor now. If that is the case, then you either have to go to the ER or call your new psychiatrist and tell that doctor what you are going through and take his or her advice. It's the weekend now, so you may not have a choice but to go to the hospital.

If a doctor managed your lamictal, then you need to report back to the doctor what you are going through.

That is the best advice I can give you at this point. I truly hope you take it, and if you have trouble reading this, then let your husband read what I just wrote and tell you what I just said.

2 mg of klonopin as needed should have a maximum dose limit and a dose frequency like every 8 hours. It's not a drug you want to take at will and take more than 2 mg at a time. It also is not going to do a thing for your bipolar symptoms. It's an antianxiety medication.

If you are wondering, yes, I was on lamictal and klonopin. I had the lanictal changed out because I had a severe reaction. I even wrote like the way you wrote and had all of what you are describing. I dodn't know how much trouble I was in, even when I was forcibly taken to the hospital by paramedics. Trust me, it is a lot better and you would spend a lot less time in a hospital if you got direct help now and on your own decision. I see you can still think and comprehend enough right  now from what you wrote back.

[Bubulous]

I am glad you are getting something out of this and you can feel free to divulge any information that you wish about your symptoms or history.  Keep checking in with us to let us know how you are doing.  We are all in this together friend,
Larry

[breakdance202]

Thanks everyone for advice. Will do my best to meditate too. My husband is concerned. What goes up must come down. Told him mostly I just feel bad.

[breakdance202]

300mg lamictal. 2mg of clonazepam as needed. Plans tonight if can't sleep again. Four writing projects, collage to make, journal. Sure no one wants to read about my life speculations tonight. I hate hospitals. I can tough my way through this. Appt with new doc feb 11th. Things worsen will call old doc office and see if they can help me. I'll be fine. Fantastic! I can fly.

[persephonedemeter]

You know, it doesn't really matter at this point what Lamictal dose you are on, because whatever you are on is obviously not working for you. What you are describing are Bipolar 2 symptoms, and regardless of what other people think, it is not any less severe than Bipolar 1. It is just a different category.   We do exist. I only have hypomania, depression and mixed states. I also had psychosis, but it wasn't associated with mania. I never had mania. There is a difference in how the different bipolar disorders are treated. Honestly, the best direction people are giving you here is to get on the phone and talk to a psychiatrist who can get you out of your cycling so you won't be in such distress.

We are talking apples and oranges here when the fact is, that you have to be seen to be treated well. That is because you are swimming in it. I nor you nor anyone here can pull you out. Rollercoasters,tightropes, whatever analogy you come up with, we get it. I used all those analogies too, but it doesn't do a thing for you, and sorry, it isn't really something that you can think your way out in the state that you are in. If that was possible, we wouldn't  have so many problems getting there.

If you have to go to a hospital to get seen, just do so, or call a mental health crisis line or your last psychiatrist or your insurance.  

[Bubulous]

Lamictal wasn't enough for me.  Even on the max dose I still had breakthroughs with it.  I do like Lamictal and stand by it as a good mood stabilizer but it wasn't enough for me.  They finally tried me on Lamictal and Seroquel and that was a good combination for me.  Is Lamictal the only med you are on?  What dose do they have you on?

[breakdance202]

I have another analogy. I always feel like I'm walking on a tight rope and can lose balance and fall off. Or the world can lose focus, like I'm wearing the wrong glasses, or I'm flying upwards in a hot air balloon and all of a sudden the balloon loses air and I start falling. I'm medicated. I'm on lamictal. I'm inbetween doctors right now because my old one retired. I've rapid cycled before. I mostly experience mixed states that last a couple of weeks. My depression episodes usually last two to three months and sometimes during them I get psychotic and have paranoia and see shadow people. I will reread everything. I'm having trouble concentrating. When I was younger I used to have wonderful hypomanic episodes of intense creativity. Not really anymore though.

[CRSeaside]

Remember if it gets worse check in. Be safe. My head was like your describing during my last psychotic breakdown.
  It's ok to go in hospital. Once at my DBSA support group a guy who knows a lot said, " while you're still ok make plans for when you are not ok. Research best hospitals in your area. Tell your family or Pdoc where you'd like to be admitted in case of emergency. ".
  It was good advice. My 4 th time inpatient was a much better experience than the other times where I was mistreated & not understood. The 3 rd time I almost lost my freedom. Thank God the judge was wise to those around me & I was released.   Just saying. Maxy

[Bubulous]

I agree that you do sound a little manic.  I can't say that knowing that you are manic can make anything easier but it is important to be aware of what state you are in.  It is important because the types of therapy that can be affective differs depending on what state you are in.
A lot of people may envy those of us who can become manic and I totally understand why.  However, using the roller coaster analogy, what goes up must come down.  Full blown mania crashes into mixed state or severe depression.  It is difficult because when you are manic you may feel that you can read anyone's mind.  The world is more colorful and you feel invincible.  Then suddenly the colors go dark and depression sets in.  Have a look at these:
"Mania"

The darkness is over, I feel it again
My brain has switched on, here comes my friend
Why am I here, do trees have a soul
I think I'm Jesus, I'm losing control
Alone in my room I start to cry
You don''t understand, I want to die
I'll slice my wrist and laugh as it bleeds
Complete detachment is just what I need
I love everybody, you people are dumb
Start something jackass my body is numb
I like simple people, they all make me laugh
They take for granted the peace that they have
I'll dumb down your problems, I'll show you the way
I could fix all you issues in less than a day
With your simple minds you people talk slow
I don't need to sleep, I'm losing control
I smell all the colors and see people's souls
I'm hearing the silence, my intelligence grows
I'm feeling fat, I need to stop eating
That guy startled me, he needs a good beating
What day is it, how many have passed
I cannot keep up, they're moving too fast
I travel through time, you people move slow
What's wrong with my mind, I'm losing control
It's all slowing down, my bright light goes black
I knew it would happen, the darkness is back

They tell me stop working live for the day They make it sound easy here’s what they say They say I’m an addict for coping with pills They say I’m escaping the way that I feel They say I’m ****** up because my parents were mean They say I’m suicidal from the trauma I’ve seen They say I’m an artist for the poems I write They say that I’m gifted, perhaps they are right They say I’m spiritual the people I’ve touched They say I’m heartless the women I’ve loved They say I’m challenging the doctors I see They say I’m like jello being nailed to a tree They say I’m bipolar with a complex brain They say I’m codependent I’m going insane So try on my shoes let’s see how you cope If you don’t kill yourself perhaps there is hope.

[persephonedemeter]

Re-read what I said. I didn't think you were manic. Are you medicated, not medicated or self medicating. Do you see a psychiatrist or a therapist or both? Is the rapid cycling new? It would help if there was a little more to work with here.

I went through the same thing. I only experienced hypomania and mixed states. Yes, mixed state is  pure torture. I am not arguing with you there. Hypomania made me feel unbelievably fantastic, and I was very aware of it. This sounds like mixed states, which happens a lot with rapid cycling. Did someone tell you you were rapid cycling, because I had no idea I was rapid cycling the first few months I went through it. Some people say they rapid cycle and they don't.

Unlike you, though, I didn't envy the people who went through mania. They had severe repercussions afterwards, and living mania all the time just doesn't happen. Eventually, it goes away or you fall very hard afterwards. Then, you have to deal with whatever the full blown  mania got you into, and for the most part, it is a pretty painful and long process.

[breakdance202]

Oh, and irritability and anger and GO GO GO.

[breakdance202]

I'm not manic. No way. I've never got that happy, euphoric mania thing. Jealous of those who do though. I get mixed or hypomanic. Hate both. Fill me with dread. Just sleepless, mind won't shut off, suicide thoughts, anxiety. Sometimes feel like walking around in dream. Could be right now. Things don't seem real at all. I've been rapid cycling the last month. Feel like I'm losing my mind.

[persephonedemeter]

Actually, meditation and the meditation techniques MrGinger suggested can exercise your brain to function better. It sounds like mixed state if the racing thoughts actually cause you distressed. If you were in mania, you would just ride it like a rollercoaster and be exhilarated by it.

i used to think I couldn't meditate, but in the past, when I thought about using it, it was during the very difficult times when the mind just wouldn't shut up or off.

I practiced it every day for a few minutes. it was hard as first, and then it got easier. It is basically mental exercising, and it does have long lasting benefits. I do it mainly for prevention of bipolar cycling episodes.

My mind has been quiet for a couple of years now. I hardly cycle now.

[weaver71]

Roller coaster, that's as good an analogy as any. I think the experience you had of overcoming your fear of roller coasters makes that a great tool for you. You felt fear and resisted, it made it worse. You still felt some fear, I'm sure, but I bet some excitement started to form as well, hence, it became a fun kind of fear. The only thing that changed was your perception, but that made all the difference. So, you have internalized that, "just go with the feeling and not fight it, and then they become so fun." Use that learning experience, channel it to help you see your other fears, anxiety, or whatever may be troubling you in an intense way. No ride lasts forever, no matter how intense it may feel in the middle of it. Also, having a point check crew is a good help too, so you know if the ride starts to wobble, there are people to point it out and do routine checks on all system functions. I wouldn't want to ride an unmaintained roller coaster, I need to know people are taking care of my safety, then I feel more secure in my safety belt. It may be intense, but I know all precautions where taken, so I know the ride will come to a safe stop after, or as likely to survive as any time I get in a car.

[breakdance202]

Thanks. That's a good idea too. Kind of like riding a rollercoaster. I didn't like them as a young adult until my dad told me to just go with the feeling and not fight it, and then they became so fun. The feeling and freedom. I wonder what it's like to maintain coasters, especially those twisty, loopy ones...do they actually hang upside down from the top of a loop to maintain it? I think that would be terrifying. Last my dad and I talked about coasters with my mom she mentioned all those accidents and people who died, and of course you're going to die if your safety restraint doesn't click into place...I mean, that is the one thing protecting you from life or death.

[weaver71]

Meditations, like the one MrGinger shared, are difficult, but I find the best way to wait it out. That's how it is, if you don't like your bipolar mood, just wait awhile, it will change. I find resistance or assistance in my strong moods or racing mind simply feed the obsessing. It has taken practice, but I can often watch my thoughts, like a movie, song, moving traffic, whatever analogy one wants to use. If I let the thoughts go on by, then I seem to avoid the circular thinking. I still have random thoughts that ramify all over the map, but practicing not responding to them or trying to figure out why I am having them has helped. I find it essential to not try and figure out why I feel like I do, but surrender to it, TRYING  to remember, they are only thoughts and feelings, not my reality. Sometimes with more success than others, but it has helped a lot of times.

[breakdance202]

That a really good, and creative for that matter, idea. I'll try it tonight. Thanks.

[MrGinger]

Couple ideas for ya....instead of dwelling on each thought and entertaining each thing that comes to mind.... Think of your thoughts like cars traveling on a freeway .... Then imagine yourself seated on a park bench watching the traffic drive by...... Allow your thoughts to pass through your mind rather than focusing and dwelling on each "car" ...... Next for the analytical mind try simple mathematical progressions for example instead of counting 12345 add each number in order1+2+3+4 ........ Breathing techniques are also helpful deep breath in hold for 3-7 sec then exhale.... I know it's tough to have to go through as I too have racing thoughts but these techniques if tried in earnest do help , the first is what has helped me the most I choose which metaphorical cars I want to get into and am able to simply let rush hour or racing thoughts pass by.... I hope this makes sense lemme knw if it helps

[breakdance202]

Floating on music. The thoughts are kind of soothing. Going to close my eyes. Maybe that'll help. MIND SHUT UP!!!!!!