Pin the diagnosis on the donkey

[LetaB]

  I've been in the business of diagnosis without degrees ever since I was told my son was ADHD (it turned out he was a hell of a lot more sick than that) but some folk stump still me. This is mostly just an armchair game I play, one that anoys the hell out of the people who are still trying to find the grace to put up with me. I was wondering if any of you others would mind taking a guess on what you suspect *****'s mental illness might be.
  She's 50 something, a teacher of children but if you are the child of someone she dislikes she will actually make mean faces at you! Not only that but she makes goofy faces at adults she likes from across a room and frowns, glares, and smirks at the objects of her envy. Other adults are commonly embarrassed, confused, or annoyed by these faces but don't know how to react and she actually believes they like her though they tell the truth when she isn't around. She has to stand in the front row whenever she's in a group photograph or choir - no matter what! She says things like "I can do what ever I want" in team situations - then proceeds to do so. She manipulates her husband, who is in a position of power, to punish and reward people based on her warped view of them. She is extremely jealous of those more favored than her (which is plenty of people) and they are the ones she tries to hurt - for no other reason.She is the ultimate primadonna and, although her voice is exceedingly mediocre, she will walk from section to section in a singing group, depending on who has the most important part! Who has this sort of gall?
  This question is frivolous to be on this board I know but this misbegotten woman has done grave injustice to myself, and what is more unforgiveable, my sweet and vulnerable child. I try to put aside my great antipathy for her for the sake of my own spiritual health.but I just can't wrap my mind around how someone can arouse so little self introspection in themselves that they ALLOW themselves to behave this way! If I could understand her I might, MIGHT, be able to forgive her - on a daily basis.

[ILADVOCATE]

Let's refocus. You are  speaking about two different things. Yes that historical figure was probably psychotic and certainly grandiose in his thinking. Secondly she is not your "nemesis" just a destructive person. However, I apologize for not reading through your original post. If she is your child's teacher and treats him in a difficult manner because of his ADHD that's disability discrimination and a reason to file a complaint. If she impacts on any students there with her behavior the same thing.
  Let's go to the Americans with Disabilities Act. A person must do the "essential function of the job". For a teacher that involves relating to the students and working with them effectively. If they can't do the essential function of the job that is the main requisites of a job without a "reasonable accomodation" that is a modification of the environment that won't create an "undue burden" (difficulty for other people) then they can't remain at the workplace. So why worry what her diagnosis is. If she is causing difficulties for your son or other students regardless of the reason why then something can be done. You are not the only one she is impacting on. I'd be more concerned for your son or other students than angry at her.

[LetaB]

  What is ironic is that I've always preached the same message. Have you ever heard of the book, "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls? She recounts her miserable childhood due to her parents strange and irresponsible behaviors. I was the only one to write in on her web site and, instead of nailing her parents to the wall, to ask for compassion because these two people were obviously trying to operate with severe undiagnosed mental illnessess. It's different when they're YOUR horrible crazy people. Can you defend Hitler to me, lLadvocate? I'm not comparing my nemisis to him but wouldn't you say that he probably was psychotic and who knows what all? I'm just saying that this woman is not retarded. She should not be frowning and being unkind to a child because he is mine and she doesn't like me - can we agree on that? You're not a parent, lLad. I go ballistic when adults are The idea of me walking up to her and advising her to seek therapy is ludacrous! I love to imagine it though. How funny, But let me say that your response to my small minded whining are some of the most beautiful and lofty expressions of hope and thoughtfulness. Thank you so much.

[ILADVOCATE]

Actually her behavior is showing how much help the person needs. Anyone could see a person who is homeless and has schizophrenia and is off medications who acts in a disturbed fashion as needing help. But there are people who live in society and are never diagnosed and their hostile and passive aggressive behavior is a symptom just as much. Emotionally manipulating people is a classic sign of borderline personality disorder. Of course someone doesn't have to tolerate it but if they can't disconnect from the person they should just tell them they should speak to someone. The person may have been approached in a derogatory fashion and called "crazy" before but no one ever said "I really think you should speak to a therapist. Something is wrong" (better than saying psychiatrist as it appears too clinical, the therapist will note the psychiatric disability). I cannot provide medical reccomendations of course as an advocate but in the various places I worked part time before I was homebound I did run into consumers whose means of expressing they needed help came in this fashion and I did discuss seeking psychiatric help. I just didn't say what their diagnosis might be. I wasn't allowed to. And I know many people who were friends and acquaintences who had no idea anything was wrong who were hostile and heavily impacted on me and I told them they had borderline personality disorder and to look up online and once they were diagnosed and treated by a psychiatrist they came back and thanked me.
   So if you can stay away from her do so. But if you can't suggest to her that she'd benefit from seeking help. And don't let it make you angry. Just think she's being symptomatic. And explain this to other people about her in a factual manner not a put down as "I think she has some form of psychiatric disability" (my preferred term, I know most people say mental illness) and "she can't help acting that way but its not healthy". And above all don't let it impact on you. When I go to N.Y.C. from time to time there are plenty of people who are quasi-homeless who get up on a soapbox and rant in Union Square. I know that a good number of them are grandiose and manic. I have to walk by them but I feel bad they will never seek help. Now imagine a person like that at a higher level of functioning and think of them in the same manner.

[LetaB]

  Oh dear, I can see howyou became confused.This woman is not, nor ever has been, "my friend". As far as I can tell she has no friends in the truest sense of the word - she's oblivious to how she is perceived. Only you, lLadvocate, could imagine befriending a person like this who is so hard to like. The problem is she is dominating my small world right now and I'm realizing that it is I who is giving her so much power. My attempt to "diagnose" the woman is merely a mental excercise designed to rethink her into managable proportions so she is no longer the powerful enemy she has been to me. This woman has no idea of how unliked she is! I'm jealous! I suffer pangs of embarrassment and remorse on a daily bases and she waltzes around acting like a bully and seems to think it's fine! She gabbles constantly at people and thinks she is invisable when she is exhibiting her strange behavior. I have no illusions that I will "help" her. I only want to try and understand her (a little). If I can see her as a woman with a mental condition instead of the selfish ***** who is ruining my life then that will help ME. That's all I can hope to do in this situation. Understand?

[ILADVOCATE]

I'd say perhaps narcissistic personality disorder. People like that either have people that must look up to them or they patten themselves after. There is also histrionic personality disorder. People are seeking to the center of attention and exhibit behavior that will make people respond to them constantly. I wouldn't say borderline personality disorder because you didn't describe any self destructive activities. These are complex criteria.      
  The point is not to diagnose your friend. The point is to realize she has a psychiatric disability and that she needs help. And as for people with any psychiatric disability that makes them appear to act out or act excissively emotional the point is NOT to emotionally react and not to respond in an emotional way to their acting out behavior. And if people realized that that behavior was symptomatic and never responded to it it would be a form of behavioral reinforcement. Every time a person responds to it they are gratifying them. Even if a person responds in an angry or emotional way since the person is exhibiting negative attention seeking behavior they are gratified too. And its not a matter of holding in angry emotions towards them. Its a matter of not having them.
  You can think of behavior like that as part of their disability. Or in a more clinical term a symptom. Don't respond to it. And the best thing to do is in a supportive way explain why they need help. And when they recieve help from a therapist or psychiatrist if warranted, respond to their controlling this negative attention seeking behavior in a positive way if they learn to control it. Compliment them at that point. Don't use any negative techniques. They themselves if not helped by medication will be helped by behavioral psychology. And on your own you can do it in a standard person to person fashion by not responding to their impulsive behavior and if they seek help to stop it supporting them when they do. Through positive reinforcement they will learn on their own or with psychiatric help, depending on what's going on, how they can be helped to stop.