suicidal idealation

[pcrissy]

Today I am overwhelmed, Christmas is approaching and it's my son and I, I always get depressed this time of year anyway but I feel like life revolves around money,I dread looking at my bills because I'm on a disability and work parttime but it's never even enough,I pray to God each day to let me get thru the day, but I'm angry because I was smart, I went to college and my mental illness took so much from me, I'm also lefthanded and mental illness is often higher in lefties,my brain constantly messes up every single day of my life, social phobia,panic attacks, mania, depression, racing thoughts, etc, I would so love to end it right now,I'm tired of living,im tired of being me and i spend alot of time thinking how to end it, like today I drove my car really really fast down the highway toying with death, it's almost satisfying, it's the only joy to my day other than my son its like I enjoy wanting to die,the very thought makes me happy,I take a walk to the park look at the train, think that would hurt too bad, I want to jump in the water but I wonder how long it would take, I want to go painlessly, I tried hanging myself but got scared, I hurt my neck,I tried overdosing on my medication and almost was successful, what will work I really want my doctor to give me chlorophyll hydrate so I can drink a bottle and be done, and I know people might read this and interpret this as some cry for help,no I'm not asking someone to tell me some crappy about why I should live, I want someone to tell me this is normal because everyday I want to die and I don't know how to do it right.

[persephonedemeter]

Boy, I said exactly the same thing you posted for a very long time years ago, except I don't have children. I know you are seeing your psychiatrist right now, but I just want to add a couple of things for safety sake to what everyone else is sending to you.

This was a bad time for me also. It never failed that I would get into a really bad depression and attempt to commit suicide before the hioliday season ended. Knowing that, my support, my doctor and my therapist and myself kept a safety plan, which was what to do to keep me from commiting suicide. At the same time, my drugs get shored up only suring this season and my doctor appointments gets tightened up. I also have to not use my car so often. It was too easy for me to drive off to a remote place, and my meds get dispensed in weekly supply. It was inconvenient for me and for others but it was necessary.

Of course, it doesn't work if No one pays attention or participate, which includes myself. I basically had to "stay the course" and resist and stop myself from "listening" to the suicide urge, ideation and planning. I literally had to interrupt it or just take time out, lie down or sit down and shut everything out. If I don't move, I can't hurt myself. Of course, if it happens when I am in the middle of something like driving, I  concentrate hard on getting off the road safely, talk to myself and park and then I stop. The whole point is to buy time. Like Weaver said, the overwhelmed feelings get less strong and things change.

If that exercise doesn't work, and I am still having a hard time resisting, then I call someone on my list, and I always call my psychiatrist, even when it feels wrong to me or  when I don't want to bother him or whatever excuse I come up with. I just say I am having trouble and Leave my name and phone number and hang up.  It is the only time I use his pager. I call 3 people, and one is always the doctor. Three people, because someone has to pick up the phone and talk to me. That was what was agreed on and worked out. They ask me what is going on, and after listening to me, ask me if I can stay safe. If I can't tell them how or give them a specific course of action to stay safe that is reasonable and sounds effective. Then, I have to go in the hospital or stay at my "safe house." My safe house is either staying with a friend or family and where I will be watched ALL the time. My privacy basically gets thrown out the door staying with family or friends, so there are times when the hospital is preferable, even though I couldn't stand the thought of being locked in.  It is all to just let me have time and safety.

[weaver71]

Though I never wanted to die, the thoughts would intrude. I always wait when that happens. It passes eventually. I've wished I was never born a lot, but that is a different thing. I guess I've learned to sit with the pain. If I can remember I am bipolar, I can Remember my mood will change. If you continue to have those invasive thoughts continue, something needs to change.

[007Bunny]

Hi, yup been there. I am not disabled but as you very smart, educated but unable to work full time as I wouldn't cope on day to day basis (i would kill ppl around ha ha). I also have a son and he is my everything and the only reason why I am still here. I had thoughts like yours several times. Always ended up saying myself that it is just a stupid illness and it will go. Couldn't do it to my son anyway. My mother tried once and I really hate her for that.
It comes sometimes up as you said - exciting thoughts, speed etc. Luckily not very often. I am trying not to think that way - more thinking and planning - closer to do it when in crisis. I would go to emergency really. You can't function like that. Great you wrote it to us. you will always find help here - from people who do listen and do understand. Xxx

[pcrissy]

I am going to my appt. Tomorrow I think my medication the one is making me have some bad side effects, and I dont always feel like this so im glad u have responded , its nice to have a place to vent because this is how I feel right now thankyou .

[CRSeaside]

I have felt like you feel right now. My medication wasn't working. Did you know that some side effects are just how you feel.
   Get to your Dr or go to emergency. Do you feel like you can't care for your son? The meds are messed up or the dosage is wrong. Please go to emergency. This can't wait. Being Bipolar isn't like this. Something is wrong.