Why am I freakin?

[zzzmykids]

Late at night I get on the computer and  talk on facebook and answer my email.  I'm on a lot during the day, when I wake up, then later and then at night.  But the feeling of pain about losing my Mom comes up at night. It was the last time I sat with her. Also because I am taking the alternative natural meds, I believe the bp2 is being triggered. I wrote someone who can't say what I said to him because he is a Pastor. Then the next night I was trying to explain but it was weird, so I put it in drafts. When I went to correct something I pressed delete, I thought but it ended up in the send bin. This guy is cool.  He is not my Pastor he is my daughters. I see him at daughters church until she goes away with husband for his schooling. I hate feeling like somene might think your not in your right mind. But when it's someone you respect, well I get weird. Will I ever have anyone besides my husband that will ever explain how hard it is to be "normal" when you are bp? I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day....oh that's right that's what I do most of the time since hubby was in bad accident and Momma passed.
zzzmykids....feeling really alone.

[ILADVOCATE]

I honestly don't know. Many of those feelings are completely normal though hard to cope with. I myself am feeling increasingly isolated because of my physical disability and being basically homebound and people moving on from my life and my mother facing an operation. Its best not to deny feelings that are real. Perhaps speak them over with a talk therapist. Don't think that issues that people with bipolar have are really so different from other people or that people won't understand them. As for insomnia or disrupted sleep that's been a chronic complaint of mine for years and now my whole sleep schedule is disrupted but the medications for my physical disability are activating and I require them. I would be concerned about any natural remedies you take for bipolar being activating though as they could be worsening things. If they help somewhat perhaps ask your psychiatrist if there are more FDA approved options so you what you are taking is a known quantity and they probably would not be activating as well.

[monkeyc]

Believe it or not my psych and I were discussing just how hard it is to be 'normal' today.  Presenting a normal face to the world when all you want to do is lay down and cry is so draining but you have to - ive been judged by people when they have found out I am bipolar and ive lost friends and at least one job due to it.

Please excuse me if I sound harsh but Natural meds do not work.  Some of them are dangerous.  I have never ever seen a single person take "natural' meds and stay stable, they all get much worse.  If you want a natural mood stabiliser then Lithium Carbonate is one BTW, its a natural salt refined and processed.  You need to be medicated to be stable and right now it seems like you are having some issues there, you need to get onto proper medication and stabilise, the longer you are not medicated the worse things will get, I know, ive been off my meds and seen the consequences.

Being 'normal' is supposed to be an illusion, no one is normal right.  We all know the truth of this and that's that we have to conform to society's norm, you cant show the way you feel or thing so we hide it and pretend and it takes immense amounts of energy to just do that some days.  We know that there are days where getting out of bed is the hardest thing to accomplish.

[Xila31]

I have this same worry all the time. I worry that people think I'm weird or crazy or stupid or all types of bad things. I am an Olympic level worrier, I could probably win a medal if they added that catagory to the games. So I understand worrying over something like sending an e-mail and worrying you sound a little "off" or whatever. Even the tiniest thing can set me off and sometimes can last for days or weeks of repetitve thoughts and worry about something simple.

My advice is that this man is a Pastor. He is not a clinical therapist but you know that people go to him all the times with their mental troubles. Because lots of people are concerned about seeing a "shirnk" or a therapist vs. something more "normal" like talking to their pastor. If he notices something, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Clergy tent to follow the same rules of confidentiality, I think, and if he is the type of pastor who would judge you for an awkwardly worded e-mail, then he's not worth his salt. Also, I'm sure he knows your mom just passed on, so he probably will take it as part of your grieving if nothing else.

It will be fine, Z, just watch. I know it's tough to talk yourself out of it sometimes, but I'm guessing in this case you'll be totally fine.