Blew up big time last night ...

[Fizzy74]

I blew up big time last night, and it was all over nothing.  I feel really bad this morning and it feels as though I had been drunk or something had a big rant and rave and am waking up the next morning, you know that feeling???

Anyways just to explain me a little bit I have bipolar II, and my moods are normally okay, but it seems every so often I tend to explode and then feel terrible afterwards, my boys who are 6 and 4 were there too, and I just ripped into my husband.

I have had a broken ankle since the start of april, there have been huge complications since and I still have a long road to go, its also my right foot so I can't drive and tend to feel trapped in the house, we've had school holidays and i have not enjoyed them as the boys are going through a phase of fighting and whining poor things.  I've organised heaps for them to do during this time, but think that just the last few months have caught up!  

I just hate that guilty feeling you have after one of these episodes, I just literally lost it, I yelled, ranted and raved, cried, etc etc, you can kind of get the gist of it, and then almost as soon as it was over I was talking to my husband like normal and I could see his "WTF" face.  

I just want to know how everyone else deals with the aftermath of a blow out like this!  I am throwing myself into work, and will hopefully feel a bit better by the end of today!  

Thanks heaps, and I hope everyone else is okay :-)

[lindahand]

I hope you talk to your psychiatrist about the outbursts because maybe an increase in medication may be in order. Pain works on the seritonin receptors. Being in pain can cause mood issues all on its own. They may not be able to help anymore but it is worth checking out.

[KB001]

You go girl!

[looloo141]

That's great I'm so glad you are feeling better! It's sounds like you are doing everything you can, thats all you can do!
Keep smiling!

[Fizzy74]

Thanks everyone for your kind comments I do have a hobby I make jewellery earrings and bracelets etc, in fact I've set up a little business for this and having a showcase afternoon next weekend.  

I make sure to apologise, as I do feel terrible, plus I think when you have children its important to show that you can own up to your mistakes.  

I feel better today, still have a lot of problems with my ankle which is going to be ongoing for the rest of the year, but there's nothing I can do just work through it and take each obstacle as I can.

Had a good laugh tonight we have bought PS2 singstar and have been singing our hearts out tonight, and had a good laugh!

[KB001]

Thanx Freddie! Nice to know that I've reached someone. I find it really hard when comparing myself to 'normal' people. Surely everyone has food and bad days! Yes, but I've been told it's my overreaction to situations that supports my bipolar diagnosis.
Anyways, my cocktail at the moment comprises of Cilift, Epitec and Epilum. But like I said before there are good and bad days like anyone else. I think the difference is we need to work on  the self-talk more than others. But don't think that I've mastered any of my faults! No ways! A wrong word or mood from my kids or hubbie and that's it time for a shouting episode!
Thanx to all of you posting on this site! Your stories are inspiring, thought-provoking and comforting.
Hobbies are a great idea! My problem is I do too much thinking and brainstorming  and not geting on with the job! Sleeping, reading, smoke breaks are more appealing at times! :-)

[Mom2four85]

I'm sorry you're going through this...definitely sounds like what I've gone through and it's not a pleasant time for any involved when I fly off the handle; don't know how else to describe it but something will just royally tick me off and whoever's in my path gets the brunt of it, I feel all these emotions and just don't how to handle them all

feeling trapped I think is the worst feeling I could ever feel; hormones, emotions, being sick or hurt makes mine worse and inevitably someone or something just pushes me over the edge

I haven't been to a psych doctor until recently; I've denied it, ignored it and just plain dismissed my emotional health until I decided to treat it like my phyiscal problems and went to get help.  I think part of the problem is with so much going on in our lives, extra things like getting hurt or being sick just add to what we're already feeling.

I know it's not easy but as someone else said; don't beat yourself up over it and say you're sorry and hopefully your family will just move on...my kids usually say wow mom you're in a bad mood today huh...then go play or do something and I know I have to be by myself a bit and usually watch tv or nap.  

I've been thinking about doing something creative like painting or needle crafting - hoping this will help; do you have any hobbies or interests? someone said it really helped them when they start feeling stressed

[looloo141]

Hi Fizzy I'm sorry to hear your ankle is still causing you grief.
Try not to beat yourself up too much about this angry outburst, it happens unfortunately, it sounds like you have been under immense pressure and that it has been coming a long time.
I too have these rages, it is usually something very small and insignificant that triggers it, and that is what makes the guilt a killer for me...because I sit there and think " I've got absolutely no reason to be like that, My kids are healthy, I have a roof over my head, other people have really tough stuff going on and then there's me kicking off because somebody hasn't cleaned up the toast crumbs!" I could go on and on..
I think for me, what tips me over the edge is either my hormones, kids or men LOL!
I have twin 14 year olds and a 9 year old and the twins are just driving me crazy because they are feeling their feet and trying the attitude on. At the time of the month it is like the whole world has been tipped upside down, I actually hate myself at that time, I am horrible!
I get so emotional but so angry and resentful at the same time and it's not a good mix!
I have had mixed episodes whilst being hormonal and it usually results in a charge for assault, I'm not kidding!
I take Quetiapine ( seroquel XR) 400mg at night, it has really helped me, and it has cut down the amount of rages I have..it is always the Seroquel that they increase and fill me with when I am in a mixed state.
I used to find Zyprexa ( olanzapine ) very good in a crisis, it really does knock me out and stop me from smashing things up..although as a regular med I hated the sedation and weight gain.
I'm sure your husband will understand how you've been feeling lately and that you didn't mean to explode, at the end of the day everybody does it sometimes.
I always find the school hols tricky too, if you aren't feeling well it's a nightmare! and it depresses me that I can't take them to nice places because I'm too paranoid or violent!
We always get through it though don't we?
I have always had a close relationship with my boys and I always explain my illness to them, I always tell them what's making me sad or angry because I'm scared they will blame themselves like I did when I was a kid..they are always less upset by my behaviour than I am but I feel terrible as a so called role model to them! I think it helps children to see that people have struggles and life isn't perfect, but I talk to them about everything, I think kids can handle quite a lot as long as they know what's happening and have plenty of reassurance, and lots of love and hugs.
Please try to not beat yourself up about this anymore! it was just your way of releasing your emotions, explain it to your loved ones and it will be fine..
If things continue like this though I would make an appointment with your doctor, the pain and stress with your ankle is obviously triggering your bipolar and you might just need extra help for a few weeks!
Hugs :)))))

[freddie8605]

Have to say Thank you KB001, I should probably listen and do as you do on this apologizing and being the bigger person would be the "GOOD" thing to do, its just so hard!  I am consistently being told i am always wrong so when i do something wrong it makes it harder to stand up and own it because of the guilt and it makes them all think that they are the one who are always right and not to blame. It is a hard one indeed. I will try excepting i mucked up next time and see what happens. Thank you.

Freddie

[KB001]

Hi Fizzy74!
Michael Jackson said "You are not alone...". Reading everyone's experiences I'm left feeling like I'm not the only crazy one out there! One of the ways I handle the aftermath, is tucking in my tail, going up to my husband and daughters, 3 and 5 years, to say I'm sorry for shouting etc. I feel better that they 'understand' and accept my apology. Of course condoning my actions is another thing! When I'm in a better frame of mind, I count to ten, take a deep breath, figure out whats actually going on around me then talk
If I need to/ have to. Having small kids forces me to remain in check and being big enough to be checked by my hubbie. My mom and sister constantly remind me that prayer is the most powerful medication. I'm working on this one too. That's my 2 cents!

[Fizzy74]

You poor thing, I think the guilt is the worst thing by far, and it can just consumer your day and sometimes you just end up in a vicious cycle!

I take quetiapine too, and last night I literally did just take myself off to bed but I hadn't taken my tablets, but did just pass out literally only to wake at midnight in a panic as I hadn't taken them.

I haven't had a blow out like that for a while, and I could hear myself saying things but couldn't stop it, and you know tha tyou are sometimes saying things that just don't make any sense or really aren't that big a deal.  

None of my friends really know how to help me through this either, or if I try and talk to them I just get told I don't really know a lot about that!  So sometimes I do have to just face it alone, but I am feeling a bit better now, hubby and I have had a nice meal and a good laugh.  The kids are at my mums and I managed to do a full day of work today, so I feel better.

I think the scary thing with bipolar is you just never know when a wave like this is going to hit or why!

[freddie8605]

I normally act like it never happened. But I'm not sure if that's the best thing to do or not for me it just happens like that. For me when i am Mixed or Manic is when i have the worst rage/fights/ etc happen. And unfortunately for my boyfriend he gets the bad end of my anger, and for me it can go on for hours and hours, and i will take quetiapine/sleepers and sleep it off, if i can, when i have calmed down a bit other wise it would probably go on for ever. when i wake up i feel so guilty but i feel like he made me do it, and i don't know what to do so .... He never brings it up and i just pretends that it never happened. It is what i would say its the worst part about being bipolar as i have hurt my boyfriend physically and have broken things, which is why i feel so guilty.

[Bubulous]

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