Who do I believe?

[Mom2four85]

I'm so confused...I've hidden for way too many years and finally go to a Psych dr get a diagnosis follow through to get treatment and then my new primary crashes it all down around me; saying there is no way I'm Bipolar.  

I'm still hiding things and will never tell anyone because it's just too fresh in my mind and I'm confused ...I've had memory loss the past 2 years after my heart stopped during surgery... sometimes seeing something or a face will make me remember things that I wish I hadn't remembered or I had a dream about something horrific and I don't know if to believe it was real or not but parts of my memory are gone.

like my first marriage; I couldn't even remember what he looked like then when my daughter put a picture of her dad on FB I said that's your dad? I don't remember being married that person.

I'm going to a new psych dr in 2 weeks so I'm going to just ask him for his opinion to see if he says Bipolar or not.  I wish I could remember if my dream is right also this is really frustrating with memory losses; at this point I don't know which dr to believe.

[Mom2four85]

thanks for the response...when I look back, mine have gone in weird cycles and I haven't been able to pinpoint anything that's triggered them but this depression I've been in since August 2009 after surgery is really starting to bether me  but before I would be in high cycles every few months then back down for a few weeks - months (wish I had kept track like I do now)

[lindahand]

For me the length of episodes vary a lot. My last bought was ultra rapid cycling which is its own little version of hell. Worst thing I've ever been through. Before that though I would have months of depression. My hypo-manias didn't last as long as my depression. The longest was 3 months for the hypomania, and 6 months or so for the depression. 1.5 years for the ultra rapid cycling.

[Mom2four85]

That's what I was wondering...was I supposed to go off on him and act out in his office for him to see that I have something wrong?  it's frustrating because he's put this thought in my head now and confused me but I agree - he doesn't have the credentials to diagnose me and I want to see what he put in my files...

I was shocked he asked me yet again and so ticked afterwards the he was trying to intrude on my private life that I was taken back and couldn't even think of what to say to him.

Now I have to find another new primary; if I wanted him to know what goes on I would have told him but I didn't feel like the 5 minutes sitting in his office was enough time even to go over 1 episode; let alone sit there and go over my life of why I think I am BP.

do others go through very depressed episodes for longer periods of time like I have with something major such as illness? I know I used to go through cycles pretty quickly; be on a high for a bit then go into depression, but I can't get out of this major hole I've been in.

[freddie8605]

Okay, could it be time to find a new primary doctor. Psychiatrist are specifically trained in disorders like bipolar and i would say they know more about what is going on more than i a primary who isn't trained in mental health. So i wouldn't listen to your primary on this issue.

Plus what does a person with bipolar "act" like? If i went to a place where no body new me, i bet know one would know i have bipolar, unless i was in an episode, but then they would probably just think i was weird.

My problem is I don't remember what its like to be manic unless i am manic, same with mixed and depressed mood, i have to be in the state to remember what its like. Plus there is a lot that i don't remember even now from when i am manic, so how i just forget it, so i have to bring others to tell them what it was like, when i see a pdoc and then there is all the totally embarrassing things i do when manic or mixed. It can be very hard to hear. So i don't blame you if you don't want to talk about it.

Freddie

[Mom2four85]

my primary is so frustrating; he said something again today about me not "acting" like I have BP...I've seen him a total of 15 - 20 minutes face to face about other health issues I'm not sure what gives him the right to discredit 2 or 3 psychiatrists.

Im still having problems with my nerves from my tooth so I told him my mouth hurts alot and I really don't want to talk about it with him....then said I've seen these psych dr's who have spent hours with me going over questions answers and symptoms in depth, I think they're getting a pretty good idea of what I have or don't have...he threw his hands up and said ok I'll let them deal with it then...

I didn't want to go into details with him about my manic states, those are the ones that bother me the most and hardest to talk about...I sat there almost crying and started feeling worse than wehn I went in.

[Mom2four85]

I saw the new pdoc yesterday; had a great session and he agrees with the dx of the original doctor and going to call and talk to my cardiologist about starting meds to find the one they think will be ok for me to take.

Have an appt in a couple of weeks for another session; which I'm looking forward to - he seemed like a compassionate caring person, so maybe this is the dr for me....only time will tell.

[Mom2four85]

thanks for the responses; after being dx I read quite a bit about Bipolar and I know how I've acted and what I've done or not done in parts of my life...I think what I'm really struggling with is my memory and trying to figure out if what happened was a dream or really happened.  

I started with dreams and nightmares a couple of days after surgery; and have kept reliving my surgery where I woke up and little by little I dream things have happened; then I ask my family & friends - did this really happen? say for instance did we go to the beach for our 10th anniversary? I remembered that and kept dreaming about it.  Or I see a picture of someone and I remembered I went to school with them or grew up with them.

It's definintely something I'm going to discuss on the 18th with the new pdoc; and I think they may know a bit more about me since they did the evaluation and therapy they know alot more about me....the primary just saw me acting "normal" and said no way.  

I just don't want him to write in his files he doesn't think I have something wrong if he's not equipped to make that diagnosis; I've been through that enough.

time for hiding was in the past and to get better I have to be honest with the dr and myself; it's just really really difficult

[freddie8605]

Can you get your doctors to explain why they think you are bipolar or why they think you are not? This might help with the confusion. What do you think? do you think you have bipolar or something else?

ShadowJewels and lindahand have given some great advice also so not much i think i can add to that.

I hope in 2 weeks with your new pdoc appointment you get it sorted and get the right treatment.

[lindahand]

Believe the person with the biggest degree. Your primary isn't skilled enough to make or break a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. They haven't interned in mental health, read the same amount of research, and had the practical experience of seeing many different people with many different disorders. They just aren't trained in those areas like a pdoc is. Some primaries still hold stigma around the issue and if you are 'nice' there is no way you could be 'bipolar' That being said I hope your primary is right and it is something that can be worked on through something like cognitive behavioral therapy.

Now for a really gentle piece of advice. You won't get an accurate diagnosis if you hide things. If you can't talk about it right it down on a piece of paper and hand it to them. They have heard it all, and have sorted out people's confused thoughts. Don't worry about making sense - let them figure that part out. They have seen the tears and anger and every emotion inbetween. You would have to try really hard to surprise them with anything. Everything you say is in confidence. At the very least tell them that there are some additional things you want to say but can't bring yourself to say them. Just so they know more is going on. It is worth the risk to get an accurate diagnosis. There are some pretty embarrasing and difficult things in my past. It wasn't easy being honest but it was worth it. And the pdoc just nodded and listened. There was no judgement which made me feel better about things.

[ShadowJewels]

Memory lose can come with the trama you have gone through, and can be common in bipolar patients.  If you really want to know if you are or not and do hide your emotions from others I would suggest doing the mood tracker in this site, but you have to be honest with yourself.  If you are going through swings you have to mark it.  A lot of people hide their emotions because of how others will react.  I know with kids, I hide mine because I did not want them effecting them.  Be honest and do the best you can.  Remember that the psyc doctors are trained in the field of emotional disorders, if you are honest with them they should be able to help.