Holiday while Alone

[tres1965]

My Daughter just asked me if she could travel with friends over the Holidays.
I want her to enjoy her Teenage yrs. So, I said yes. I'm very frightened about
facing the Holidays alone as I have NO family in this state other than her.
I don't know how to react to this shocking news? I am terrified now. I've always
had big Holidays up to this point, now I'll be alone for Halloween & the Holidays.
Any advice? Thx. Tres

[irishwriter]

are things so different in america that it is ok for a sixteen year old to go away for christmas? time enough when they get older (a lot older) to go do what they want on these occasions and then we can only hope that what they want coincides with what we want. i'm sorry, i have to say again that sixteen is too young, she is still at the stage where you get to be the 'parent'. she's not eighteen yet. you say she''s a responsible girl then it wouldn't be difficult to show her that it's not the disease wanting her to stay but the natural, normal desire of a parent to want their child with them for christmas. sorry for repeating myself but there's encouragement of independence and there's allowing an independence that may make her feel you dont want to be her parent any more. here, the only reasons an offspring wouldn't come home for christmas would be working, being married or being too ill to travel!!!

[blessed29]

I am so glad to hear that.  Your daughter is very important to you, obviously.  It takes alot for you to let her go, even for a holiday.  She must be a great support for you.  However, you realize that you need to give to her independence without guilt.... so she can grow, ..she has to look out for herself, her best interests, and trust her own judgement and decisions as she gets older.  If she becomes too  much of a caretaker, she may feel she needs to care for everyone, help everyone... You want her to marry a caring successful guy, who shares emotions and family responsiblily to his children, right?  She may end up with someone who is an emotional taker...I hate to say this, but maybe an addict, she "can cure", she may be so used to taking care of things for adults, (people she loves) that it might carry into her married life, the man she picks to marry..(god forbid if children were to born to this) Please try, as hard as you can, to help her be independent of this.  Try to cut back any emotional toll or responsibility she may feel towards your own personal happiness.  Even at your own sake, push her, and talk to her often about her feelings, her goals,
What is standing in the way right now?  What can I do to help? ...What we feel and experience as Bipolar people are even worse on the ones who are closest to us..they love us with every fiber of their being...especially our kids, they would give up anything for our happiness...why should they have to?  Is it their fault we are bi-polar?  That they have to deal with things other kids dont?  That they have to become "adults" in order to take care of us emotionally before their time?  I hate the "Bootstraps" talk too.... but when it comes to doing the best for out kids, what else is there?

[tres1965]

Thank you for your support & advice. I am going to talk with my friends/family from my old state I used to live in & see what can happpen. I may just go visit them, I just panic'd when she 1st asked me. But I think it is very important that she be allowed freedom to choose on this, or resentment may hurt both of us. She is a very responsible girl & she has had to do 'extra' things since my illness. I can always spend time doing those things I usually put off. But, I am worth more than that! I am getting 'in' the mood to take care of myself for a change. Thnx. Tres

[LetaB]

  I really want to say I agree with blessed29 on this - the point is (as you already seem to know) not wether or not she can be forced to stay but what is best for her and how you can cope. I have a real strong attachment to my children and have wept many tears over their gowing up or - worse yet - their incarceration and/or placement! I also have always done holidays in a big way and love all the traditions. Maybe if you were to think of reaching out to others similarly alone on the holidays it would take the emphasis off your situation and on to helping others. Please forgive me if this sounds really preachy.

[blessed29]

If you and your daughter decide she should go, maybe you can go visit your older sons for Christmas or have them visit you.  I feel it is important to try to overcome our own feelings as bi-polar's sometimes in order to give our kids as near to "normal" life as we can.  Although it is normal not to want to be alone at Christmas, no-one does, maybe you can make arrangements to be with other family and friends this year.  Its at least worth looking into.  Your daughter shouldnt feel that she is the sole person responsible for your happiness and well being.

[irishwriter]

maybe i'm old fashioned but sixteen is too young to be spending christmas away from your family. my sons are 20 and 22 and i would be devastated if they didn't come home for christmas. it is a time for family and maybe you could let her go christmas night or the next day? am astonished that her friends are allowed to do this. could you sit her down and explain how important it is to you and that you are a person with depression not a depressed person. this issue has nothing to do with the disease, it is perfectly normal to want your family with you for christmas. my daughter is fifteen and i wouldn't even consider letting her go at that time. maybe you could come up with some kind of compromise to suit both of ;you but i would consider this one of the few times where you get to exercise the parental 'no'.!

[tres1965]

She's 16, & it seems all I do is ask her things that a 'norm' teen would get to do 'cause of
my illness's. She really, really wants to go & she hugged me all night for letting her even
think about it. My older sons will protest, but I assume that it is a 'chick leaving the nest'
sort of thing. It is Christmas Holidays, we agreed to be together for Thanksgiving. She is
spending Halloween out at a sleep-over. I'm still in shock. I know she has a life outside of
my side to look forward to, but it just scares me, for self-fish reasons. I just am in a state
of self-pity now, but smiling on the outside too. Isn't that what 'we' do best as Mom's &
Bi-polars?

[irishwriter]

how old is she? if she's under eighteen surely you can ask her to stay. if she's independent maybe you cant. have you explained how you feel. is it Christmas holidays? surely her other friends would want to be with parents too? i',m rambling a bit as i really don't know what to say. could you tell her you want her at home and she could go on st stephen's day if she'd like? hope it all works out for you. positive energy going in your direction to help the right thing to happen for all of you. if she's a young teen maybe she actually wanted you to say no. mine used to hint like that all the time and i would tell them to feel free to say that their awful mother wouldn't let them go to the party/outing what ever. let us know how you get on.