Sorry, Sorry, Sorry...Geez

[blessed29]

Paranoid...I guess.  My sister and I have trust issues, and tonight I asked her a question which got her really upset.  I asked her if she was telling my ex my business.  I lost the apartment I was suppose to move into tomorrow.  My unemployment check didnt come on time (today) and when I asked the landlord if I could move my stuff in Sunday and pay him Monday he said he wanted me to pay the entire security deposit (we had agreed that I would pay $300.00 in the middle of Nov. and $300.00 in the middle of Dec.)  he decides he wants the full the amount upon the move in..$600.00.  After hours of me crying (because there is no way I can do this),  my sister asked me if I had told my kids that I wasnt moving, ..I said no, I would tell them when I talked to them at the regular time tonight.  A while later, my sister said she was calling AT&T to tell them not to cancel the phone service for me (it was like 7:30-8:00 at night, I thought that they werent open that late to take calls)  she went into her bedroom and all I heard her say was "no" "no" ect.  Then I called my kids, no answer...I talk to them every night and when they arent going to be there, they call me before our specified time of 8:00 p.m.  So anyway, my stupid bi-polar and stupid paranoia (not spelled right) led me to believe that my sister might be telling my business to my ex and now he doesnt want me to talk to the kids.  I was having all these thoughts (the kind that wont let your mind rest) so I thought, hey, its only 9:22 p.m. (8:22 if you already set your clocks back), her light was still on in her room and I can just ask her about it.  No....She got really. really upset with me.  I dont know what to do.  I am so thankful for all she has done for me, (although she doesnt believe it) I make my stay worthwhile for her, at least I think I do, I pay $650.00 a month for one person. (is that good? Rent, Utilities and $3.50 a day for food, living in the basement? ( I also pay for my own pop, and other food that she wouldnt regularly buy) but she doesnt want me here, I dont want to be here...I want to have my own place and be able to see my older son whenever I can, and have my younger son live with me ( I cant do that while I am here) My sister is judgemental of me, and talks negative about me to family so often, that when all these circumstances happened, my mind began to race.  I know my sister loves me, but in my mind, sometimes she seems out to hurt me.  Since my apartment fell through. I still have to be here for a while.  I feel sorry for her also, I mean she has her own life, which I am screwing up just by being here.  Anyway, what a mess.  Anyone have any good advice?

[LeftCoastChick]

Hi Blessed!

I can understand your frustration, you were definitely *scr**d over* by that landlord, it's not your fault that you're in that situation. I get very angry at the fact I have BP, and how it messes with my life. I sometimes have to write out things like agreements I have, so if I am feeling off or paranoid, I can go back and look at what is actually the case. Do you think maybe your undermedicated?  It's bad enough you have BP, but not being treated properly and suffering is worse. Maybe in a couple of days talk with your sister, I find it really hard when I am really anxious to make sense of things.  I am having to move in with a friend in Dec probably, because my short term disability is being lowered. I'm terrified to have to rely on others, so I completely relate. I hope things smooth out for your soon, tc LCC

[irishwriter]

i also find it very disheartening that the medical profession is not more involved with the treatment of bp. i feel it is first a medical condition, then psychiatric with the psychiatric responses being a result of chemicals that just are not functioning in the brain. i really feel that we will get no further with treatment until the medical profession come on board with the realisation that this is a medical condition. also wish someone woud come up with a treatment that didn't cause weight gain.

[blessed29]

I just spent 2 hours on responding to your post.  Wow....anyway,  here is my repsonse in the nutshell.  It is competly unfair that some parts of the body are "allowed" to malfunction and the people that have certain diseases are left with dignity. whiile others suffer social, economical abuse.   If you have a brain tumor, alheimers, a stroke....you are OK in the world book of disorders.  If you have Szophrenia (spelled wrong), bi-polar, depression of any other mental illness, it is your fault.  The medical proffession can see proof of medical brain disorders on an MRI but even then (frontal lob disorder as in ADHD)dismiss them.  When will we count?  When will they be able (I think they are aleady are) of being able to do an MRI of a person and compare it with a "normal" (if theire is any) brain and determine what is different?  What is off?  When will they help us?

[LetaB]

Wow. Yeah, sister, I hear yah. What can I say? I know it depends on where you live but $650 sounds more than reasonable to me. When my family and I lived with my mother for years (years ago) we were paying similar rent and also we were responsible to run all of her errands, yard work, apartment maintainance, disaster relief (we were repeatedly fighting floods from snow melts and sewer back ups), and live with her hysteria - hey I didn't get this psychiatric condition from no where! I'm just saying that we seem to be the most misunderstood people on this planet. From being on this web site I am amazed at what good intentions we seem to share and apologetic attitudes galore. I get a little paranoid myself sometimes. I think it stems from all the times people were doing me dirt and I was the last to realize it. You're trying, right? That's more than I can say I'm doing. I have my 12 and 14 year old sons with me because THEIR biological father wants nothing to do with them and hasn't seen written or called them for a year! In my opinion it must be better for kids to have two parents wanting and fighting over the priviledge of raising them than this is. I think you're being courageous so keep on being your own advocate and find the help that's out there.