Suicidal Thoughts Log

[theguts]

My therapist asked me to keep a suicidal thoughts log to monitor my progress.  I didn't realize it but I have at least three suicidal thoughts a day.  Some of the thoughts are just of hurting myself (i.e. cutting) and not killing myself.  As if that's any better!

What do you do to deal with your suicidal thoughts?  Any suggestions?

[LetaB]

I have these thoughts every other minute - when not concentrating on a good conversation, a great book, an interesting movie. I subconsciously verbalize my desires when I think I'm alone and don't usually notice unless I suddenly find I'm not - then I get embarrassed. I think I'll try and start a journal of them too so I can see if I'm accurate about how often I think this because it seems constant. I waste so much time every day with negativity and tell myself that I need to either leave here or actually lead a usefull life but I dither. Two days ago I actually attempted a plan I've been hatching for months but found that it was going to take too long and I was too uncomfortable and bored so I went home. Isn't that crazy? Now again I'll start in with where, when and how fantasies until I get the strength to try again. There are not up and downs to this. Oh, sometimes I smile and joke around but if you gave me a choice ANY time for the last two years I'd have said YES - let's go.

[cowgirlnerd]

My problem was always when reasoning didn't come into play - when the "voices" didn't have a reasoning like pain threshold, dying, wasn't an issue....just STOPPING the pain and resting.  It's when I had a detachment from reality that it becamse a huge issue with me.  

I know what you mean about the little "voices" telling you that you should be dead.  I stopped having excess meds on hand because I stock-piled them last time; I don't have guns at my disposal...(my husband keeps them all locked without my knowing the access code - even though he doesn't KNOW of my attempt - long story - but I think he suspects)....that pool in the backyard does look inviting from time to time, but they would have to fish me out...  Yep, know about those voices.    Are your little "voices" or "thoughts" you with running commentaries?  

My Lamictal killed my running commentaries for the most part.  Those are enough to make you go insane!!!!

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I've had suicidal thoughts on an almost daily basis since I was a kid but I never believed in suicide and I'm used to suffering past my threshold for pain in all forms so I never worried about acting out on them.  It wasn't until I had a relevant plan pop into my head with the materials available to me and voices started tell me I should be dead (I don't listen to voices in my head but it ***** when someone you can't drown out with sound is telling you you should be dead when you're depressed as hell) that my whole plan of just sitting around doing nothing backfired on me.  It's a good idea to have someone you can turn to for help who's understanding and to stay away from things such as knives and pills and have someone hide them from you if you get that bad.  Maybe you can think of something happy?  Someone asked me during that time where I was hearing voices if I had anything happy to think about and I just started laughing hysterically so I figured maybe it would work for someone else?

[cowgirlnerd]

Let's see.  Suicidal thoughts have been a part of me for at LEAST the lat 25 years.  It got really uncontrollable in July 07....that's when everything hit the fan.  I struggled LITERALLY with a conscious thought of dying.  Then on August 22, 2007, my best friend died from suicide.  At that point, I had been thinking about it for at least a month - solid, and felt so jealous of his success and I missed him terribly.  I had psychotic breaks off and on for days and weeks/months after his death about my dying so I could talk to him again.  I DIDN'T deal with the thoughts.  They consumed me.  

In September, I had a complete pychotic break, and I struggled and struggled.  I thought about it every day - several  times a day.  How would I be able to do it and not mess up (I had thought about the least messy way because I didn't want to leave a messy gross thing for anyone to find.); what day would I do it (I decided that I would pick a non-significant day as far away from anything that my sons would remember so they would forget the day); how it could be an accident and no one would know; how I would make sure that my boys would know it wasn't anything they did - it was me...yada yada....

ANYWAY, I attempted finally on 3/30/08, after struggling for MONTHS with a psychotic break.     I (obviously) wasn't successful.  

Now, I am stable (on correct meds and diagnosed 9/08), and I still have thoughts.  I control them more by knowing they will pass.  I am not afraid of them anymore, and I am really glad that I am not afraid- and won't let them pass without observing them for what they  are....thoughts (not some evil little demon.  I do know that if I get to that place again, I will get help.

I tell you this because, a psychotic break is a consuming thing.  You can obsess with the thoughts - they become a "plan" rather than a thought and it takes over - they become a distant thing that isn't actually "you".  When I attempted, it was if "it" had a life of it's own and it wasn't actually "me".  The scary thing was that I just wanted to stop the hurt and rest.    

I think the log is a good thing.  Get stable.  Don't be afraid of being stable, or the thoughts.  Ackowledge them.  Be stronger than the thoughts.

Do you plan during your thoughts, or do you think about the loss of pain and etc.?  What do your thoughts include?  It helped me when I could admit that I had them and admit that I had attempted (still very FEW people in my life know that I attempted).  This could be a good place to bear the old soul!

You aren't alone.

[ILADVOCATE]

I have never had suicidal thoughts where I intended to act on them. I did before recovery have suicidal thoughts when I was in an agitated mixed state and psychotic and I called my psychiatrist but they were never realistic. I do have thoughts of that nature now when I am in pain from my physical disability but I would never act on them and the medications I am taking are helping.  When I had those thoughts the first thing I did was look up new treatments and focus my energy on that. Ultimately though if I did feel that way again my first call would be to my psychiatrist. If they were just thoughts in the back of my head I would start listing all the reasons I want to live or to get actively engaged in something positive. Obviously, people will have some remaining depression from time to time as medication adjusts but your psychiatrist should be more actively involved if you have suicidal thoughts and treatment should be adjusted so they don't occur. That's something too unnerving to live with.