Tough Decision

[bpchrisb]

I have a friend who is BP and I have known her for years. She is going through a rough patch right now and has been for the pasty year or so. I have been trying to support her as much as I can, but it's becoming difficult. Our relationship has always been very one sided as she is self-absorbed. Our communication never goes both ways; I always have to initiate it. But, we do have good conversations and she values my support as I am just very caring and I don't judge her. But, it's gotten worse, she isn't returning phone calls or texts and it's starting to frustrate me. This has always been the pattern; when she decides she doesn't have any use for me, she just cuts me off. I can understand it to a point as she has put herself in some bad situations and only wants to talk when she knows she's going to hear what she wants to. Here's the lay-down of the last few weeks:

1. She started dating a guy that just got out of a marriage. Now, I am glad that she is developing relationships again and have told her that much. However, the ex-wife of this fellow that she is seeing works as a secretary at the mental health clinic she goes to. This woman has actually been informing her ex-husband about her visits; letting him know when ever she's been in. HUGE breach of confidentiality there, but she won't do anything about it; the woman should be fired.

2. The clinic she is going to is poorly run. She sees several GNPs that never have her information with them during meetings and everything is a struggle. The last GNP actually pulled her off of Seroquel cold turkey after she'd been on it for two years. She paid for it dearly, but, again, wouldn't do anything about it.

3. She doesn't like the clinic and had a great shrink for a long time. He works on a sliding scale so she can afford him. But, she stopped seeing him because she didn't want to feel like a pity-case as she hadn't paid him in a few months. This guys worked well with her and really helped to get her stable; the clinic hasn't

Now, I have never lectured her over this stuff, but I have told her that I think that these are all situations that she needs to THINK about changing. Especially this b.s. with the guy she is dating; it is a bad external factor and it is causing her a lot of problems. She likes the guy, but she's in the relationship with him because she's co-dependent and has admitted to it. There's a lot of other people she could be dating that didn't have all of the crap attached to it. Or, just developing relationships without the sex involved. The stuff the clinic is idiocy as is her reasoning for not going back to her shrink. Especially give that she's gotten worse.

I called her last week and left a message for her stating that I wanted the communication to go both ways. She shot back with a nasty text message stating that she had her reasons and that she didn't want to talk to me because I wouldn't approve. Again, I have never lectured her over things, just given her my experiences with these situations. I have had bad shrinks and relationships that were toxic. I tell her how they negatively impacted me but I never attack her for her decisions. But, again, she's totally self-centered and surrounds herself with people that placate her; that's how she's always been. Also, I think that she's more stable than she lets on but is so wrapped up in everything that she refuses to look for employment. If she even had a part time job, she would be able to afford her medications and the shrink.

So, I am stuck here; I am really tired of all of this crap with her. It's draining me, making me angry and I am starting to wonder if I want anything to do with it. Also, the lack of communication has really coincided with her new relationship...  

[bpchrisb]

Yup, I'm done with her as of yesterday. She called and wanted to chat and the empathetic part of me took over. The conversation revolved around all of the same stuff I talked about above. I finally had enough, told her that I understood how difficult it is to be BP, but that she was making things far worse on herself through her current decisions. I suggested she drop old and new flames, start actively seeking employment and get her life together. She became upset, came after me with some nasty comments and I ended the conversation by telling her that she was a user and self-absorbed.

Thank you for the good advice.

[zzzmykids]

Both, Starbunny and I have given you some clues that this girl is not good for you.
Sometimes we can't decide this for ourselves because we are too involved emotionally. Each time we have written you come back with reasons, excuses she is this way.
It is NOT a healthy relationship for you and she does not have your interests at heart only what she can get.
Maybe at one time this was a mutual, two way friendship but she has found out, the old saying, "Hey if a person will let you have it, why not take and take and take it?"
Your decision. Here's hoping you choose your best interests and think of your own health in this situation.

Just cut the tie to her,
zzzmykids

[bpchrisb]

Well, what frustrates me the most is the fact that she puts herself in BAD external situations when she isn't stable. Her current relationship is obviously a bad deal, it's causing her a lot of anxiety and anger, but she won't do anything about it. I know that there is another ex-boyfriend who has popped back up; another bad situation. Their relationship ended very, very badly, BECAUSE SHE WASN'T STABLE. It's just going to be a vicious circle.

I don't know, it's just getting old. I don't think that I can have a relationship with her because I am not going to humor her or her decisions anymore. I am the only person in her support circle that points out the things in her life that are potential problems. I have been doing so with care and patience, but I am getting to the point where I feel I need to be blunt. I'm going to end up telling her exactly what I think, she won't bother to listen, and it will be the end of the relationship anyway.

Plus, a part of that conversation will revolve around her lack of employment. If she's stable enough to screw around all day and spend time copious amounts of time with her new beau, then she can work.

[starbunny]

I think this woman is abusing your good nature and friendship. You have been there for her through thick and thin and now she has found another man whome she is co-dependent on she is cutting you out of her life.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it were me I would distance myself emotionally from this person. You have been taking on her problems as your own because you care for her deeply, and this has been taking it's toll on you.
She isn't prepared to take responsibility for her illness or listen to the good advice you have given, there is nothing more you can do, except protect yourself.
We have all taken on somebody else's baggage at some point and got involved with people with complicated lives. There is nothing wrong with that. However these people (usually) are special and deserve and appreciated our help. It is worth the emotional energy invested.
If it were me I would give her her space and invest my emotional energy helping people that would bring joy into my life, not sorrow.
Sorry for sounding harsh, always say it how it is mate. x

[bpchrisb]

I do see where you are coming from. However, she's been off of the Seroquel for several months now; she hurt for a few weeks and we talked over that period of time.

The main problem I have is that this has occurred before and I always let her back into my circle of friends. Several years ago, she just disappeared on me, I left her several messages just stating that I was worried about her, but she never got back in touch with me.. I recieved a letter about a month later where she apologized for it and just basically gushed over how kind I had been to her and how she valued my friendship. I left her a message thanking her for the letter and AGAIN, never heard from her. So, I shot her the same kind of message I did recently,telling her that I didn't like the one way communication. She called me back and said that "the letter didn't really mean that she wanted to talk to me, just that she wanted to thank me".

But, she got in touch with me over Facebook last summer (I hadn't heard from her in three years) and wanted to talk. SOO we started chatting again, but the wheel has come full circle...

I just don't know if I can keep putting the energy into it.

[zzzmykids]

Dear bpchrisb,
You have on occasion been very patient with my rants, self endulgence and border line narcicism. When I am bad, very few others problems matter. I turn the phones off, home line and cell. I don't answer emails, personal ones. I took myself off of facebook completely recently because I just couldn't handle the daily yah yack, yackity yack of others....all my friends. And the phone, minor chit chat just hurts my ears when extremely low.
Understand what it is to go off meds plus pain meds cold turkey due to the ineptness of a gp. It screws with the brain for quite a while and also changes you. For me, I got angry, didn't want certain relationships because they were different before the cold turkey. One has never recovered and she was there for me for years and years and with me through the withdrawals, another has lasted through it but we don't see eachother often.
Maybe she is just angry about the results of her brain function and feelings after the seroquel. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe she is worse, self destructing and pushing the one person that knows her best away, because she doesn't want to get better.
I would not take this as a personal attack or her just being mean. I would look at it as she is pushing you away because you always give her good advice and council. She may not want it, she may want to self destruct. In that case, she needs you more than ever.
If she won't go to her psych, can't get a job because of how messed up she is right now and reaching out to a destructive relationship instead of you, well, I'd say she is emotionally comitting suicide without physically doing it.
Just a thought.
Your friend, zzzmykids