Very Depressed

[elwoodsf]

I need to reach out to others besides my family. When I try to explain my bipolar depression, others without the condition do not understand. A blessing for them. My family thinks they can "drive" it out of me. This only makes me mean. I am laying in bed most of the day. The tears started yesterday when my husband would not let me alone. After I started raging on him he let me be. I hate to be in a rage. People get hurt. I wanted to go to the hospital last night. We are leaving to go camping today. I will be out of the house for five days, away from any way I can hurt myself. I tried starving myself but my body gave in. I am calling my doctor on Monday to see if there is anything that can be changed in my meds until I can get out of this. I thought I only cycled this severely once a year but I guess I am cycling twice this year. I have accepted the fact that I am bipolar and now I am wishing I wasn't. I will continue my meds, they are already packed. I'm thinking once I start packing and doing the dreaded cooking I will quit crying.

[elwoodsf]

Your words are very comforting. I forget that I do not feel this way all of the time. I will keep repeating this to myself. I'm going to have to force myself to get going today. I'm not saying I want to but I think a nice shower will help. We are going to the ocean beaches. I love the ocean for many reasons. It is right up there with the mountains for me too. My head is pounding due to all the crying but it is not like I can just turn off the faucet. Thanks for your words and support ~ El

[Jade59]

Hey El,

So sorry to see you're feeling so bad.  I just came out of a rageful and depressing month.  The endless crying is the worst, isn't it.  The suicidal fantasies really take their toll too.  I completely understand.  

The one thing I do that seems to help a little is tell myself I won't feel like that forever because I never do.  One day, I wake up and seem to be able to handle things again.  During a time like this it's all about "forcing" yourself to eat right (or eat at all) get a little excercise, even if it's just walking in your backyard.  I know all this is easier said than done.  I feel very self destructive, too, when I'm so down.  *sigh*

Hopefully, your camping trip and fresh air will revive you some.  I don't know where you're going, but whenever we used to go to the mountains, the clean air and just change of scenery seemed to help tremendously.  

I'll be thinking of you, El, and will be hopeful that tomorrow will be the beginning of better days for you.  Seriously, please try to keep in mind you won't feel like this forever, even if you have to repeat that phrase over and over :)

♥