am i really crazy???

[christina317]

First of all I'm 28 years old I'm married and have been for 9 years I have four children ages 10 - 4 , I also have two step children 10 and 16 (different mothers) . Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind in a slight moment I can freak out and simply be ready to seriously hurt someone (anyone) for intense : I stopped one day to pick up my mail from the mailbox and this  older lady pulled up behind me and blew her horn at me and then drove by and flipped me off, apparently I was taking to long in front of the boxes so she felt it was ok to flip me off ..... well it wasn't I followed her all the way through the neighborhood until she stopped and got out and I was really ready to kill this woman and it didn't matter that she was the age of my grandmother, another intense would be my children they are the greatest kids in the world and I don't know what i would do without them but I swear sometimes I just want to give them away and I actually have thoughts of that sometimes I just sit back and think how my life would be now if I just choose not to have them or if I could just give them away.... and I no that is not normal because I would do anything for my kids I love them more than life it's self my kids have everything they want and I've tried so very hard to make sure they don't have the life that I had when I was a child that I think I done it to them anyway with the exception that they have everything they want... I was molested at the age of  4 and then 6 and then 7 and then 8 and then 9 and then 10 and then at the age of 15 and all but the last two were by my mothers boyfriends and only one of them went to jail for it , the next one was done by my ants husband and this one has a twist I told my mother , I told my ant , and then I told my grandmother and all of them said that if I told the police they would dis-own me and send me to the guardians home for children so I never told in fear that I would no longer have a family and the last one happened in a alley behind a trash can by some teenager with a gun (and they never caught him either) ..... then to top all this off my mother was a alcoholic a pill popper and a dancer which means she was never home to care for us so it was left up to her boyfriends to do her job and all they ended up doing was teaching me and my brother how to bootleg on Sundays and how to measure out there weed to sell .. yeah at the ripe age of 8 I was weighing and selling weed thanks to my mother and her boyfriends.... there is so much more to say about my life but this page would be never ending so my question is how do you get over everything that has happened in your past and move on with your future because the older I get the more I start feeling like my mother ( without the alcohol and drugs) I'M SO STRESSED !!!!! that sometime I want to die and I think about it at least once a day but the only thing holding me back is my kids I'm scared of who will take care of them when I'm gone and there's nobody that I could ever trust to do that so what is going to happen when and if I do find that person will I actually do it or is it just a thought ??? Please help !!!!!!!!!!

[RJ233]

I agree with monkeyc & christina. Go to see the psychiatrist and a counselor. I never had the experiences in life like you had, but I did have a past that was a rough road. I found that between medication to help my mind stabilize and talking to my counselor it helped to get out a lot of stress. My counselor was out due to illness for 3 mos. and I was about to explode. That was how I found how much it helped to destress me. You are a survivor through all the things that have happened to you. Now, you are dealing with all the thoughts of those bad things that have affected your life and we tend to kinda get stuck there. I have been there and still go there, but the affects are a memory. I try to think of how it made me learn what it is like to be the neglected and abused, as a child and adult. I see how strongly you feel about your children. They are your life. You understand them much deeper and want the best for them. You feel guilt because of your thoughts, but it is a medical condition and you can get help for that. The stress you have will show and they will see it. You don't want to stress them out. That is why it is not only important for you, it is important for them. You are right. Who else can replace their mother? No one Who else would love them and care for them the way you do? No one They need you and will always need you in their life. I was motherless and fatherless as a child, also, so I can relate to you in that way. You know, how that empty spot feels, so, go and see the doctor as soon as you possibly can. Things will work out. Just take it one day at a time. Be sure to open up to your dr and tell him what you told us, your past and now how you feel. We are all right here when you need us. You are not alone. We care. You keep in touch with us, so we know how you are doing and we will give you all the support we can. Best to You, RJ

[hrt3105]

no doubt about it you need to see a doctor asap. the things you have dealt with in your life are enough to give mother teresa anxiety attacks, my guess would be ptsd as well a bipolar probably, but i'm not the doctor so go see one please . i can sympathize with the feelings your having , i have been there myself , took 3 long painful years to figure mine out and alot of things i held dear arent here anymore. So please dont wait, if you need to talk i will be here just let me know i willl help all i can

[monkeyc]

Ok first of all no you are not crazy.  Crazy is a term I wont use about myself or anyone, we have mental illnesses we are not crazy and you should never think of yourself as crazy - its a label and a bad one and labels are not neccesarily good things.

Ok a few questions.

1. Have you seen a psychiatrist?
2. Have you seen or are you seeing a therapist?
3. If yes do you have a diagnosis?
4. If not why not?
5. Who is giving you medical treatment?  Have you spoken to them about this?

What you asked is how do I get over my past.  Step one is getting help, step two is accepting that help (they are different things you know) and step three is learning to move past the pain you have been through - I cannot imagine what its like to live with the things you are talking about here but you survived them, you have a family and a life - now you need to look after you to look after them.

You owe it to yourself to get help - and the first step is asking for it.

You are not crazy, you are a human being and any human being would have problems coping with 1/2 what you just described.  Help is there.