Letter to my kids, would like opinions?

[tres1965]

My heart breaks when I think of the distance

both physical & emotional,

between you & I.



I've no idea when or if things can be as they were always.

You are such a huge part of my life, & I hate think

anyone, anyone, changing that.



A Mother cuts the apron strings (emotional wise)

at a certain phase in her childs life,

it is an extremely painful time in her life.

One that every Mother dreds yet, can't stop

the hands of time.



You aren't my Lil' boy anymore, I understand

that. I expected it, yet wasn't aware of

how deeply it would hurt. Or how quickly

it would sever those apron strings.



You may not ever speak to me again, or you

may. You are your own MAN now. I like to

think, I had a part in that, in raising a

fantastic man such as you. I did try, try

to be a good Mom. I guess I failed at it for

all my children. There is no looking back

& making excuses. So, I don't even know

how to try, when I excel at failing so well.



Think of being a parent as the beginning of a

puzzle or book. The first thing you do is fill

in the edges, right? Well, imagine only having

every other piece with  drawings on it

the easy part would be to draw in or cut

pieces as you want, right? Well, each

child is different, colors, shapes, textures

they choose. As a parent you DESIRE them

to want, your wants, but as is life they

have their own wishes..



So, you adapt.



Maybe not as well as some...Try as you may.



Some parents run away, some stay & hold the course.



I've always tried to stay, I thought I had it made

if I was a 'stayer'.....

Guess I wasn't.

Even 'Stayers' can be wrong.



Don't get me wrong, I loved every Moment of

every second of every thought, of being the one

who had the miracle of feeling you in me

from the first heartbeat on...



I have always, always, always loved you.

Always of my children.



Yes, every parent that doesn't admit to failing

their child at one moment or the other is living

in la la land.

There is NO guarantee's in life, other than trying.



But over-in-all, even though I failed, yes,

the honor of being the one YOU called

Mommy, Mom, Mama, etc..

Was/is mine, & mine alone....

Others may have called/call you Dad but I

have always been the ONE & ONLY Mom...



I guess in all of this, I want to say.



I am sorry for all of the nots in life with

you & my other 2 beautiful children.

But, I tried, in that I know.



I am proud of the boy you were & I hope you try

as much, if not harder, as a future parent

yourself.

Don't judge harshly my child, for to be judged

is harsh or harsher on yourself....



Whether we see or talk again, the words or

actions are 'out'....



Sadly, heartbreakingly, 'said or done'



Good-luck, I know you don't believe in heavens help

but I wish it for you anyhow....



I'll never part on bad words/feelings as that hug was.

Take care. May your puzzle never be filled.

*HUGS*  


                                            Love, Mom

[tres1965]

Thank you for all your support & wishes. I feel like we are all  family here, in that we share a common bond!
The SUN is still out for me. I went out most of the day today, played Bingo, etc. So I am really, really trying!
My Future Daughter in law (gag) overstepped her boundries & I see that now. I will NOT let that happen again...Go me, Go me!!!
Thanks for caring & love! Tres

[therese83]

They havent had kids themselves yet!!

Wait 'til they do then they will see how perfect they can be as parents and will realise how good you were and how it is not easy.

Do not let them put you down, you did your best with the resources you have.

I have four kids and I understand my Dad so well now, i had all these thoughts as a teenager, 'poor me my Dad was a sbizophrenic" but now i think he was GREAT!
Wait and see, dont take any bull off the girlfriend she has no right to put you down,

Bless you, be kind to yourself

[cowgirlnerd]

LCC is right on with her response.  My Mother has been un-supportive of my diagnosis and my therapist asked me to write a letter to her about my childhood and how much it hurts that she hasn't been a part of my son's lives.  That's a hard thing to do - haven't done it yet, honestly.

I was worried that it might be a suicide letter.....I wrote one of those when I was having suicidal ideations.   I was so convinced that my boys would have a better future without me dragging them down with my problems...got the pictures out and looked for any hurt in their eyes, etc....  Thank God, I got help after my suicide attempt - I feel so much better now and don't have those thoughts.  I was just afraid that your letter was a goodbye to everyone.  

My son (my 20 year old) went off on me awhile back - told me that he has always had to take care of me, etc., and it hurt really really REALLY bad - I know where you are coming from.  I just told him I was sorry and that he needed to enjoy his life and understand that he didn't have to be responsible for my life and/or care.  It killed me to see that he felt that way but understood he was pretty spot on with his views.  After I gave him "permission" to live his own life, he and I have been closer than ever.  I try to not involve him to much in my pdoc visits, etc., and just be his Mom.  

It's hard - just know that we can only be the best Moms we can be.  OH, and your daughter-in-law needs to check herself.....that would be a smack if it were me (LOL).   She will regret that one day when she has kids and realized that NO ONE is a perfect Mom.  (Still think she needs to back off...)

Hang in there.  Owning your feelings is hard and rewarding at the same time.  Just realize that you have a right to your happiness and sometimes that means distancing yourself from those that don't have a positive affect....not isolate, but not involve them in your process for becoming stable.  

Hugs!

Rach

[LeftCoastChick]

That letter broke my heart. It's important to "own" your own failings. Many folks, like my own mum, would never ever write a letter like that. So be proud of that letter. It may take your kids time to come around, but I believe they will. I don't know your story, but when they are ready to talk, just listen, do not interject in any way, because then their feelings will sound like they are negated.

[ILADVOCATE]

Good to hear. Myself as well. Just seperate who you are from what others think of you even family members as in time they will grow to accept you. My mother and I are very supportive of each others' recovery process but it wasn't that way before, from both sides. Self acceptance as well as acceptance of others are both growing processes.

[tres1965]

I feel such a failure as a Mom, person, daughter, wife.
My confusion at times was so noticable to myself & others.
My Son told me at New Years that he & his Brother 1/2
raised theirselves. His G/F now just went on & on at how
bad a person I was. That was so emotionally challenging to
me, it almost cost me my life to go to visit at Christmas medically,
but to be attacked verbally/emotionally was beyond me.
I have survived since just by the Grace of God. Just for my
Daughter. I was suicidal I now see. That letter needed to
be written by me at this time just for the sheer fact that I
am climbing out from the pit of hell  I have been in.
My Daughter went in-patient a few weeks ago,  I HAD to be
their for her. Now I have begun to step back & reflect how much
damage she did to me. But all in all I survived. I have & AM so in
all I am the winner. My children aren't the reason to live I see, they
are  just a part of my value as a person. I am worth living, writing
that freed me somehow.
For weeks I have hardly functioned, just existing. I haven't
been the person I usually am. I've been so hurt.  Now, the sun
is shining again & I am trying to step up to life again.  I guess I
just needed to let myself say G'bye to my Son as a child.
I am sorry if I rambled, but for the 1st time in a month I feel life.

[cowgirlnerd]

Good letter - but why is this necessary?  Are the kids hashing out regrets of things they would have like to had in childhood?

My oldest son has said the most profound words to me lately.  He told me, "Mom, no you weren't the normal Mom that my friends had...you could be difficult AND hilarious - and you were a different Mom - I wouldn't have traded you and still wouldn't.  What I always knew was that you loved me and were going to be there for me even when it was difficult for YOU to cope.  I didn't blame you for the down times - I just accepted that you were my Mom and I loved you."  ABSOLUTELY brought me to tears and still does.  I won't say that he and I haven't had our times - even screaming matches when he moved back from Nashville - and I have regrest - BIG TIME.  

I guess my main question is - are the regrets YOURS or your children's?  Maybe they aren't as harsh in their view of you as you are of yourself.  

Hugs

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes very moving. But why would they not speak to you? Please don't even give them that idea. Yes all children they grow up and move on in life but as with myself and us all here you are a person with a psychiatric disability. You've been through the recovery process and stayed the course with treatment. You've done no wrong. No one should judge you. Keep it on a strongly positive note. Every parent has a sense of loss when their children leave home. But don't think any independence or feeling or wishing to be seperate from you comes the fact that you have bipolar and if it does explain it to them or attend a support group for family and friends such as the ones NAMI runs. Be happy of your achievements as a mother. And just leave it at that.