need help possibly diagnosing what i have

[alexa5207]

i've never seen a psychiatrist before though i've always felt i should...since i was 16 as i can remember i started having these violent tempers that are uncontrollable. its so hard to explain to ppl sometimes because when i try they think im just making an excuse for my violent behavior. i finally have an appt with a psych on july 21st and im anxious to get help. in the meantime i would appreciate ANY feedback whatsoever.  here are my symptoms of when i become angry:

before (during) my anger: i feel superior, i become controlling, i feel that if things went my way (or as planned) then this wouldnt have happened, i blame him (my boyfriend), violent (hitting, kicking, biting, using objects), destroy property, sometimes i plan my attack, sometimes its spur of the moment, i think im right, irrational, cursing, screaming, dont care or even think about the consequences, unladylike, sometimes i feel offended or lied to or like im being played (taking advantage of in some way), sometimes its misdirected (meaning he could say something that i take as offensive and act on it and it will turn out that it wasnt meant to be offensive at all), only think negative thoughts and they pop into my head randomly, i think he's out to hurt me (emotionally), i only attack the men im in a relationship with at the time...never a family member or friends and i dont understand why, i dont take responsability.

after my anger or rage is gone: regretful, remorseful, ashamed of myself, hating myself, disappointed in myself, genuinely sorry, cant forgive myself, worthless, unworthy of him, hopeless (like im going to be this way forever), rational (logical) willing to reason or compromise.

in general i feel depressed because im not doing anything with my life, im not sure if thats the reason. but i dont work or go to school and i really dont have any friends, i dont get along with family, except my mom but that relationship is off and on. my life is so boring and dull. i have so many bills and so many financial concerns. the there's days when these things dont bother me and i'll feel happy for something i think anyone else would find silly. like when we went to coney island and had such a good day. no arguing or anger. i was so happy beyond belief. its weird cause even my silly little orange bracelet made me happy, i dont like to admit that to ppl cause then they think im weird.

thats pretty much the jist of it. if anyone has any insight at all as to what im going through or what it is im experiencing please share with me. i know i need help and i need someone to talk to. all my life i've felt like i wanted to talk but no one would listen and sometimes i would be angry and i would try to express it without violence but no one paid me any attention. im the youngest of 7 and to some ppl they would think that would make me spoiled but it just made me feel isolated and neglected...

[jimgreg]

sounds like a case of full blown manina..but you need a pdoc to advise you..or anger mangement,,till you get a diagnoes..more a therpist!!

[Amy4891]

I think children who like your sister who do sexualy oriented things repeadedly it may be an indication that she was sexually abused.

[Shawnarose87]

Whom ever is sharing this is such a beautiful thing. I am not alone. You saved my life tonight. Footprints in the sand.

[alexa5207]

im 23 yrs old and to be honest i dont really remember my childhood, some ppl say that the fact that i dont remember may be indication that i chose to subconsciencly block it out because it was bad. But the vague memories I have seem to be good...I was bullied no more than the average kid and we always celebrated every occasion in my house. The only thing thats ever concerned me about my past is that for some reason I've always had a feeling that I was raped, I know it sounds strange to have a feeling but not know for sure because I have no recollection of it...the only thing that leaves me to believe this is that 2 of my older sisters were raped by my older brothers friend, so i thought, why would he rape them and not me. But even before that, i'd had this feeling.  I didnt grow up with my father cuz he left when I was a baby, I saw him maybe 3 times in my life when I was old enough and it was always cuz I made the attempt, never the other way around, eventually i gave up on him. i've heard stories of how he used to abuse my mom and my older siblings and make them kneel down on a bord with nails sticking up. i knew he was an alcoholic even though my mother told me he wasnt when they were together and that a lot of the times that he beat her it was for no reason, not that there's ever a reason. But for instance, one day she was sitting on a recliner and he came out of nowhere and picked the whole thing up, her still it, and flung it across the room. One of my older sisters had been accused of molesting a little boy that lived in our new neighborhood and now that we're older another boy, who's now an adult came forward and said she flashed him when he was a young boy...we had known of her behavior but i always just thought that that was just the way she was. as i got older i realized it wasnt right. when we were younger, i remeber once we slept over at my grandmother's house, my mother's mother, and we werent allowed to wear underwear, that was the rule, and i remember my sister playing with herself in front of me...sorry to sound graphic...there's a lot of other stuff that this particular sister has done thats made me so resentful towards her. I hope this helps. Thanx for all the advice everyone.

[Delusion]

It would help if we knew a little bit of your background such as childhood and what past relationships have been like, if you have ever been bullied or abused in any way it would be useful to say even if you dont feel comfortable to go into any detail about it, perhaps also telling us how old you are as well.

You have tagged bipolar, some of the things you have talked about such as the anger can often occur in mixed states of mania so it is possible perhaps.  Give us some more information we may be able to help :-)

[tank4806]

I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 as well.  It was about 2 months after I turned 15.  Before I say anymore I AM NOT A DOCTOR, just someone who was in the same situation as you. I had a lot of the same symptoms as you.  Keep the appointment.  I almost 25 now.  After your appointment if you find out it is bipolar there is a website that will allow you to find out more about it. The website is www.nami.org.

[triedeverymed]

I wish I could say "oh you have this or that issue" but unfortunatelty only a psychiatriist or other mental health care professional could really give you a proper diagnosis. No matter what it turns out to be, it has come to your attention enough to believe you have a problem. I would most definately see a doctor and get a diagnosis. The good news is if it is bipolar, there are medications that can help keep some of your issues under control!!
Best of Luck!!

[alexa5207]

thank u both for ur responses, to Nikki2226, ur right about writing my symptoms down and i have cuz i tend to have a bad memory...to Venora Moonwind, i know ur right about the meds too, at this point i wil do whatever it takes so i can stop hurting the people i love and to be a better person for myself. I cant thank you enough for your words of encouragement and again it feels good to know im not alone cuz everyone else who doesn't feel this way looks at me like im crazy or like i act this way intentionally.

[Venora Moonwind]

I just wnat you know that if you need meds it doesnt mean you are weak. It really means you are strong and you have the will to beat this. keep in touch.
Love Venora

[Nikki2226]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with these problems.  You certainly are not alone.  I would suggest you write all of these symptoms down and take them to the doc so when you get there you will not forget what to say.  I like Venora's journal idea too (she always has good advice).  I have been keeping a journal and I take it with me when I see my psychiatrist.  You are already on the road to getting the help you need and feeling better.  Way to go!  I wish you the best of luck.    

[alexa5207]

thank you so much for your response, it helps to know im not alone. sometimes i feel like an outsider and that no one understands me. sometimes ppl just think im being overdramatic. it gets so hard sometimes but i just know i dont want to live like this anymore. sometimes i get so close to suicide and when im all alone with my anger the only thing that makes me feel better is sleeping and dreaming of the possibilty that i might not wake up. i feel trapped in my body, in my soul, ppl tell me im so intelligent but im starting to doubt that since i cant even control my emotions anymore. i eat small meals everyday but i'll admit im not a big fan of the veggies and i really dont keep fruit on hand. i'll be honest with you, i get discouraged easily knowing there's no cure and sometimes wonder if this is something that was passed down to me from my father, which by the way would be the only thing he's ever given me. im going to try to do that journal thing, thing is though, its hard for me to record what makes me angry while im angry cause when that happens my only thought is to attack and destroy. i wouldnt mind taking medication if it helps me but i have so many concerns as far as that goes. i've also always felt like if i needed to depend on pills to function then how weak am i? i think it would make me feel like less of a person. i dont know, i'll call the doctors on monday and see what they can do because i dont know if i can last that long. thank you so much for your time.

[Venora Moonwind]

Bless you.  you have done the hardest thing by acknowledging your need for help. See if you can call the docs office in case they have and appointment open up earlier.
I am not a doc just an old bipolar but it does sound like you maybe bi polarbut the best thing to do is to get evaluated by your doc and go from there.
In the meantime ther is alot you can do to reduce some of your symptoms
diet 6 small meals a day .Lots of fruit,veggies and grains. 3 oz of lean meats or protiens
NO caffien or sugar as these aggravate your symtoms.
Exercise 30 mins a day even if its a brisk walk. this will help you mood and expend some of your anger.
start keeping a journal and write down everthing that makes you angry happy sad or whatever. It is so theraputic to get the emotions down on paper so you can really see them
So let me know if you are able to get in to the doc earlier and if you cant just keep coming here and we will help you get through this.We have been there and we know what it feels like.
Love Venora