I'm not sure what to do

[Jam876]

Hi,
I am not very familiar with this website (I actually joined 5 minutes ago) however I am in desperate need of help and I do not know where else to go.

I am 18 years old and I have been dealing with bouts of depression for about 4 years now. At first, my 'highs' and 'lows' would alternate every three months or so, however over the years the frequency has increased to me dealing with multiple highs and lows a week. I have had many suicidal thoughts before, and used to cut my wrists, however I was always too "chicken" to go through with it. In recent weeks, I have been on a permanent low. I cry all the time, I always feel empty and inadequate and cannot remember the last time that I was legitimately happy.

I came to this website because I saw a couple postings by other people who feel just as lonely and unhappy as I do, and it gave me hope that there were others like me who ache and feel depressed all the time.I have not sought medical advice, or spoken to a counselor about my feelings or my suicidal thoughts. I have not told any of my family members either. I am a college student, and with all the cuts in spending, finding money to pay for my tuition has placed a heavy burden on us. Additionally, many circumstances have caused my family to be split up for the past 2 years and that has also placed a heavy emotional burden. The thing is, my mum has a heart condition and she has been trying to sort out our family issues and get everything back on track and I'm afraid that if I tell her about this, I will stress her out and put her over the edge. And I must also admit, I'm scared to admit that I might have this condition.

Please give some advice, because I really feel helpless. I have not been happy in years and I am tired of crying myself to sleep all the time and keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself because I feel like they're not worth a damn. I need this more than anything because I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper everyday. I want to be happy and be able to deal with my problems, so please,if anyone has any advice that they think would be of help, please help me.

Please and thank you.

[innerchild09]

Sorry that you are depressed. Im glad you are doing to see a school counciler I think that would be a good thing because it does sound like you need some help. You dont have to feel bad for needing help. Sometimes we feel how we do and sometimes we have to try to reach out for help before something does happen. I know how you feel being really depressed and stuff and sometimes its hard to admit that something is wrong. I know for me its been hard at times. I see that sometimes telling family can be scary. Maybe someday youll be up to talking to her but maybe its something you have to work your way to, but going to a counciler is needed. Hope that you will feel better soon and that everything wont feel so hopeless.

[oakleaf608]

i am also new to this website, i'm on it b/c my boyfriend is bipolar and trying to overcome a heroin addiction.. but for myself.....  I too had a very very very hard time between the ages of 17 and 20.  terrible!  i actually had to drop out of day school and finish my high school degree by going to night school.  i lost my social life along the way too wich doesn't help at that age.  tell you what tho, I got over it.  i found something i really really enjoyed and took pride in.  i am now the owner of 2 businesses living in a 3 bedroom house and am very happy (aside from my boyfriends problems)  you need to find what you are good at and enjoy, you will only go up from there. btw, i was put on antidepesents at that time and i went from 5'2 120pounds to 160pounds in about 2 months and felt no better.  meds are good for many people but not all.  you need to do the work yourself if you don't have a legit mental health problem.  push on and i PROMISE  it will get better.

[Jam876]

Thank you so much for the responses. They made me cry because this is the first time that I've really spoken about my feelings and my depression. To have people show that they care is really heartwarming and I am truly grateful to you all.

It has been really difficult living with these symptoms. The thing is I do try to help myself and be strong. I try reading self-help books and even turn to prayer and meditation, However these usually last for 2 weeks at most and then I 'crash' and feel like s*** again. I mean honestly, when I joined this site last night I was in my kitchen, thinking that the only reason that I wouldn't go through with my suicide is because I wouldn't want my family to have to bear the expense of a funeral and the shame that comes with it. This was kinda like my last stab at trying to do something on my own.

I think I am going to take your advice and go to my school counselor and see if I can get referred to someone who can help me with my symptoms.

I don't think I'm going to go talk to my mum yet, because I genuinely do not want to burden her with this if its something that I can deal with on my own. I'm really scared to share this with my family. I almost feel like it would selfish of me to tell them since we already have so much to think about.

[Nickeldoor]

Hi Jam876, I hope you would have some help by now. Looking at your situation, you have to step out of this depression phase for a while, before you can gain control of it. Depression when it steps in is hard to snap out of it, but when it's a prolonged depression (perhaps for months), it's considered clinical or chronic depression, which mostly requires anti-depressives.

If you could get some state funding to see a psychiatrist who could diagnose and help you, that would be really helpful. If you can't get funding, then helping yourself is critical. As what Lonely107 has mentioned, do not focus on your problems because they would 'grow' bigger in your mind, and would make you helpless (which isn't beneficial at all).

Friends of depression are basically:
1. Coping at home thinking aimlessly
2. Getting into arguments or past problems which you can't solve
3. Not setting a daily/weekly goal lists
4. Not talking to close/mature friends who can listen
5. Not communicating well with your parents

I suppose your mom has her own problems but perhaps communicating to her on a daily basis (not on your depression), but something like movies, tv shows, people etc would off-load the negativities (which could be causing a lot of these depression).

Hopefully you could get all the resources you need (i mean the psyc treatment/consultation, friends/family to talk to etc.). At 18, you still have a long way to go in life, and life would always be ups and downs... thus we need to build some sort of skills to help us smooth through life easier. A lot of times, when our expectations are too high, we usually lack life skills to manage our life. Thus learning a bit about life skills is crucial too... at your age at least.

Keep us updated and welcome to the forum. :-). Keeping my fingers crossed for u.

[looloo141]

Hi there, you have come to the right place..I feel your desperation in your post, this isn't going to go away on it's own, you need help and support.

At 18 years old without even knowing your circumstances, I can tell you that this must feel terrible for you..You are going through the most difficult part of becoming an adult and have so many other things that you are trying to juggle..not to mention the instability of rapid mood changes!

I can totally understand your concerns about your family, but mental health problems never happen at a good time honey! Your illness is just as important as any physical illness, and how would you feel if your mother didn't tell you about her heart condition incase it pushed you over the edge? That's not how families work..you and your Mum could be amazing support to eachother, you can't take all this on yourself, especially with a mood disorder!

I also can appreciate how the college situation is worrying you, it is affecting lots of people, you are not alone..but how would your parents feel if they had paid all that money and you don't suceed in your courses because of an illness that you didn't tell them about? I'm sure they would rather you have a bit of time off in order to have the strength to finish the courses eventually..

The symptoms you describe are serious and need dealing with..when I was your age I attempted suicide and it was the worst thing I ever did! It didn't help at all, and because I wasn't honest with doctors and family I ended up having a psychotic episode which very nearly ended up with me losing my babies. I wish I'd got help sooner. Can you imagine the effect on your family and college if this depression spirals out of your control and you do something terrible?

You need to see your family doctor and tell him/her everything, write down your feelings and take it with you so you don't forget anything. Is there anyone at college that you could talk to? It is quite common for teachers and pastoral staff to hear about young people struggling, they have special training, please don't think you will be a burden.
With treatment and emotional support you could be feeling so much better in just a few months..it won't happen overnight but I think you would feel a lot better if you told somebody close how you are feeling..they have probably noticed your mood swings already.

I hope you can find the courage to speak to your Mum, maybe once you have seen a doctor and opened up you might feel like you can tell her.
Good Luck and keep posting here, we have all been through what you are going through now!
Hugs

[Lonely107]

Hi, don't worry. You don't have to be so depressed. Listen Jam876 life sometimes turns out very difficult but the brave is the one who survives it. First of all stop thinking about your problems. Just think the way you wants things to be. Think your family and yourself the way you want it to be like. Do this exercise daily by staring at 10 minutes then make it 15 or 20. Feel and visualize the way you want the future to be. never think about the past, it is gone and has actually nothing to do with your future.

In a day, have more thoughts of goodness and abundance then lack. Take a pen and paper, write everything you feel or you should feel grateful for. write even the smallest things as your clothes or shoes to your eye colour and hands. Write as many things as you can. Do this exercise daily, take time out for it. It is very helpful. Stop complaining and start paying gratitude. Your life will start changing.

Hope this helps. Be happy.