why was I so violent and aggressive as a child?

[xorldxo]

I have these memories from when I was about 5 to maybe 9 years old. this is horrible but I used to smack and hit my dogs at this age. I would have urges to do this too, so when I had the chance I would take them in my room (one at at time mainly) and hit them to the point that they would try to run under bed to get away from me. I of course don't do this anymore, but what would make me have urges to do this at that age? Thinking about this makes me sick and literally brings me to tears. I am 13 now, but why was I so violent? I was very often spanked and beat when I was that age from my dad who was very aggressive with me and my brother and would beat us in front of each other, up until I was 12. I'm not sure if that is what made me so aggressive with my dogs, but if anyone knows what could have caused this, please tell me. I a very concerned.

[Sandman2]

One of the reasons that we urge parents to find other ways to discipline their children then spanking is exactly what has happened to you.  Spanking indicates to a child that violence is ok.  I am guessing that you had a lot of bottled up feelings and you released them the only way that you had learned how.

[AnnieBrooke]

That is probably why you did it.  When an adult hits a child, the child will be angry, but if the person who did it is the grown-up in a position of power over the child, there would probably be no safety if you had tried to strike back. (The consequences would be too severe.)  But that doesn't make you unaware in your heart of how unfair it is, even if you are only a little child, and it doesn't keep you from being frustrated and angry. So you lashed out at something smaller than you who was around you.

If you have access to a school counselor, you might make an appointment and talk it over with the counselor.  Buried anger and pain are best gotten out, if you can stand to look at it.  If you don't feel it is safe to talk about, just reserve that idea for a later stage in your life.  You will benefit from talking about it sometime, especially to understand that you did nothing wrong and you didn't bring it on yourself, and that it is valid to feel the whole thing was very unfair.

I believe we only remember things and begin to process them in our mind when we are strong enough to and emotionally ready to, and before that, they stay under the surface like a log pond full of logs.  When you take out the one that's at the surface, another one might float up, until you have dealt with them all and the pond has no more surprises.  That often happens, when people begin to unwrap painful childhood memories.  

You don't have to do this now, but just know that this can happen when you begin to think over the bad things that happened to you.  Sometimes it seems to take a while, but there is movement and you get emotionally more healthy and balanced with every log taken out of the pond.

Stick by your brother, if he was also hit by your dad, he will know the most of what you were and are feeling as the two of you grow up.  This might mean he'll be a wellspring of support (for both the confirmation of what happened and of what you feel) or it might also be that he will be in denial for his own emotional survival, but at least he is there.

The main thing is, by the time you're 18 or 19, do plan to talk to a counselor if you haven't by then.  You did NOT deserve what happened to you, no adult should beat or strike a child.  You did not bring it on yourself.  You were doubtless just being a kid, he should have controlled himself because he is an adult and that is his job.  This is something that you will need to break the chain of -- when you are a father, you will need better tools and techniques than going directly from frustration (a natural human emotion) to hitting (there are lots of other ways to deal with frustration!)    

I am so sorry this happened to you.  This should not have happened to you.  Sadly, it does happen to people, and if you think about it, it's like the dogs -- your father should be ashamed of himself and probably should be prosecuted.  Best you can do, though, is take care of your own heart and speak up about what you need, and try to work out how to grow up without the scars of your unfair treatment crippling you, and without passing the abuse down the line.

Take care, and (((HUGS))),

Annie

[Sandman2]

Wonderful comments by Annie.  I agree with her completely!!

[Monkeycook]

I'm proud of you for recognizing that about yourself and asking for help. I'd say that shows nothing wrong with you, you understand it was not normal to be so angry. That's actually very responsible and mature of you at age 13. Even just talking to a counselor will help you out.

[NurseDoc2B]

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It was a case of transference. You were doing what you thought was normal or you were transfering what your aggressive father was giving you to your pets, the only objects that you could control and punish. There is no reason for concern. You are perfectly fine. Just the fact that it concerns you means that YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MENTALLY SOUND.  You were an innocent child, have no shame in what transpired. Sounds like you are growing up to be a good young man. I never agree with corporal punishment for children. I have NEVER spanked or hit my child, but that is just me. He is a straight A student, and the nicest, caring, well mannered teen. If you were spanked or hit as a child, break the cycle. Don't hit your kids. believe me, it affects them tremendously just knowing that you're dissapointed in their behavior or their actions. Children just want your attention, affection, love and approval, so give it to them.  Hug your children and tell them how proud you are of them and how much you love them. I think the results are far more positive.