3-yr old OUT OF CONTROL

[armywife1126]

My daughter will turn 3 next month.. and she's out of control.  My husband is in the Army (stationed in Korea right now) so I'm living w/ my dad to save money.  She's just horrible.  I don't even know where to start.  Well, just last night I sent her to her room for not listening when i told her not to spin in circles because she's prone to falling and hurting herself, so I told her to go to her room. She then crossed her arms, put her head up in the air and started singing and walking in the other direction.  Then when I try to get her hand, she runs away from me.  So, I put her in her room and tell her to stay in there until dinner's ready.  20 minutes later, she comes out w/ poop all over her hands, and I look in her room and she smeared it all over her TV, all over her bed, on the walls, just about everywhere you can imagine.  I almost threw up it was so disgusting.  So, I didn't know what to do, so I put her in my room while I cleaned it and told her how disgusting it was to do that.  Yeah, I got pretty mad.  So, I'm cleaning it and then I walk into my room, and she's taking my makeup and drawing all over my dressers.  So, then I took her and sat her down in her chair so she could watch me clean up her mess and to see how unhappy I was with her.  It was disgusting.

So, this was the tip of the iceberg.  I know I need help after last night.  She just won't listen to anything I say.  She'll take her food and smear it on the TV in the living room.  She colors all over the walls, (I took them away after that one). She has a serious attitude problem.  She never does what I tell her to do.  She'll either walks away from me, like "I don't hear you", she'll point at me and call me a jerk and then run away, she'll try kicking people in stores, or when someone says hi to her, she'll say "get away from me".  She runs away from me in stores,  There's so much more.

When she's with my mother, she's perfectly fine.  My mom will ask her to pick up something and she does it right away.  I don't understand it.  She's a very smart kid.  She's not even 3 yet, and she's known her alphabet, the sounds that some of the letters make, she can count to 20 in english and 10 in spanish.  Everyone is shocked, when I tell them, how bad she acts.  Everyone (except my mom) has told me to bring her to the doctor.  

I've tried time-out, 1-2-3, taking all of her toys and tv away, even spanking, nothing phases her.  She doesn't care, and just does the same thing all over again.  I don't know if it has something to do with not seeing her Dad or what.  What should I do?

[margypops]

Before you try the punishment route you may want to find out why she is acting out, there is usually a reason and as she is okay with your Mom and at her house it sounds as if you and she have a child/parent interaction problem, if you simply go the punishment way and time outs and removing items she likes and things she likes to do ,you havent got to the bottom of the cause.of the behavior .Your original statement of her spinning in circles sounds like you could have distracted her from it instead of sending her away, has she got plenty to do do you join in activities with her , is there a Dad can be involved also, maybe she is asking for more positive attention from you.

[SACABC]

It's a battle of wills and hers needs to be broken and in complete submission to yours. DO NOT stop disciplining (whatever meathod you use) until she is broken.  It will take time, LOTS of time and patience. Don't give up. Every time you engage in "battle" you MUST win. If you stop before winning 100%, you've LOST and her will is strengthened against yours.  She is testing you to see if you're worthy of her respect and obedience. Children WANT someone to follow, but not a weak person.  So when they test the boundaries you have to be there to hold them firm.  They want and need this from you!
Good luck.. and if you're going to spank, it needs to be the first response every time in a very calm manner. NEVER spank as a last resort because you will be angry then.  A spank should be a calm and controlled punishment. It should be with a neutral object (a small rubber hose) never your hand. It should be on the leg or bottom never on the face.  Allowing your child to protest while "obeying" is not obedience and her will is not broken.  (she may be sitting down but she is "still standing up on the inside")  
One basic rule: Always win

[yummymummy]

my daughter is 3 in december and my partner has the same problem, she just wont listen to him, she is an absolute angle for me and my mum but will not do anything for her dad she even tries to kick and hit him! we now put her in the conservatory if she is naughty, she stays in there for 2 full minutes (this will be 3 when she turns three) then we make sure she understands what it is she has done and why its not acceptable, she is then only allowed out when she apologises. we have found that this is working and her tantrums are getting less each week. its hard but you need to be firm and consistant for it to work

good luck xx

[DustyL]

You said you tried time-out?! to what extent? You need to take an extra chair (not a kids chair) and place it in a different room (i find the laundry room works for me) with a kitchen timer. Everytime she does something wrong... attitude, not listening, talking back... using only 10 words send her to time out!! Say "______ go to time out for 2 minutes for not listening" give her about 5 seconds to start going there and if she doesn't move, without saying another word, pick her up and put her there! Set the timer for 2 minutes and say when it dings come find me. If she crys while she's there it's expected. DO NOT talk to her while she's on time out! If she gets up, pock her back up and put back WITHOUT  saying a WORD!!! When her 2 minutes is over, ask her why she went to time out. If she says she doesn't know explain it to her. Say something like "you went to time out for not listening to me. Its important to listen to me because it's my job to keep you safe and if you don't listen you could get hurt." Once you explain it, ask her again why she went to time out. She should answer you. If she doesn't simply explain it again and re-ask. You're goal is to make sure she understands why she went to time out. Once she does and answers you, let her resume her playing. Remember, she's 2 it's her job to not listen and talk back. So choose your battles. If she's being difiant thats one thing, but if she's not listening because she's distracted thats another. Remove the distractions and repeat the request. Bad attitude is something my daughter had and it was BAD... when you said something she didn't like she placed her hands behind her back and with her nose in the air turned and walked away from you. We started sending her to time out EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE DID IT. (one day she went to time out 23 times just for attitude)"She'll either walks away from me, like "I don't hear you", she'll point at me and call me a jerk and then run away" IS ALL TIME OUT WORTHY!!! Needless to say, after that day it was a 97% turn around. After a week, no more attitude! All you need to do is be consistant. The make-up thing and the poop smear she's craving attention and she's getting it. It's negative attention b/c your yelling at her, but it's attention nonetheless! For a 2 or 3 or even 5 year old time out should be in a boring place NOT in a bedroom!!!! The good thing about timeout is that it can be used ANYWHERE!!! Get a little pocket timer and keep it in your purse (be sure you and your daughter understand the concept of the time-out timer at home before using it anywhere else). If she acts up in the store find a nice tile and say time out for 2 minutes for whatever she did. I used a tile right in the middle of a dead isle so my kids couldn't touch anything. I set the timer and placed it on the floor just out reach. When it went off, same thing, why did you have to sit in time out? wait for a reply or i explained. While they are on the time out tile, pay no attention to her. Obiously you can't walk away but stay 5 or so feet away and pretend to continue shopping (even if you don't need anything in that isle)

Trust me, if your consistant and use only one punishment method things will improve. Over the next 2 weeks you should see an improvement. You also have to keep a few other things in mind as well.
#1 - she should only go to time out for 1 minute per year old (if she's 2 then 2 minutes, when she turns 3 then 3 minutes... etc)
#2 - along with the timeout when she's bad, you need to praise her when she's good. for instance if theres a particular time where she gives you attitude and you would send her to time out, when that happens again and she DOESN'T give you an attitude you need to say Good Job explaining yourself and not giveing me an attitude! or GREAT listening! Verbal praise is great for children her age, she needs to know she can do good things too not just bad. If she startes getting positive attention when she does good things and NO ATTENTION (as hard as it can be sometimes) for bad things... you will start to see more good than bad!!!!! I PROMISE YOU!!!

Just be consistant 100000% of the time. NO means NO it doesn't mean not this time but next time it's ok! And don't punish her for things you stumble upon. For instance if you notice at some point she wrote on the wall and you didn't see her do it, explain why it's a no no and have her help you clean it, but don't punish her for it. Chances are she doesn't remember when she did it either. A 2 year old's short term memory typically is about 2-4 hours.

Good Luck!!!!