Aa
My Son misses me- fear he might be depressed
My son is six and he is the light of my life! We have a wonderful relationship and I know for sure he is aware of how much I love him. I married his father only due to the fact that I was pregnant, and of course it lasted less than a year. So I've been divorced from his father since my son was six months old. He only knows us being apart and him having two homes.
However, to make a very long and dreadful story short, my ex-husband kept my son from me for a period of eight months simply b/c I refused to get back with him. He was abusive and controlling and at the end when I finally left him, he was online and had joined a sex-matching service. We didn't have an agreement yet for pareting time or custody, so there was nothing anyone could do until we got into court. IN the meantime, his lawyer postponed, there were filings going back and forth, lies, horrible lies, and my ex would just torture me with my son. He would tell me I had to come to his mother's to see my son, that I had to come to his girlfriend's to see my son, he would never let me leave with my son, just horrific things for no reason other than he was still controlling me.
For those of you who have been fortunate enough NOT to have to use the court system, you might not know how horrible it is! I took him to court over ten times, finally getting my parenting time. However, in the midst of having a horrible lawyer and no family support, my ex was able to somehow gain "primary household". So, although we have joint "legal" custody, I only get to have my son two nights a week for TWO HOURS (since he's in school), every Friday night and every other weekend. He even makes me pay child support now, even though I provide the same if not more than he provides for our son. He basically tricked me and I still have not forgiven myself for being naive and trusting. I have tried everythin. Even when my ex-husband was still living with his mother and her husband and my ex's mother was caring for my child, I tried to tell the courts that I had more of a right to care for my child than she did. Nothing. Then when my son told me that his step-grandfather (the one they were living with) told me that he touched "Pop-Pop's pee-pee" and I contacted DYFS, the courts did NOTHING. Then I moved myself 40 minutes from where I've lived all of my life to be closer to my son and asked the court to give me more time, NOTHING. I rarely tell this story b/c people jump to conclusions and it is the worst part of my life, not having my child with me. But I felt compelled to tell it this time.
My son has never really asked why things are the way they are, and I refuse to bad-mouth his father, no matter how much I hate him. Last night though, when we spoke before he went to bed, he told me he missed me about seven times. I told him I missed him too and loved him and asked him if he knew that. He said yes. I then told him when he's sad I'm sad, so I wanted him to smile and that we would see each other tomorrow. He sounded tired, so I'm sure that contributed to his sadness/feelings, but then he told me he wanted to live with me. I told him we had to wait until he gets a little older. I didn't go into the details, about the fact that he has to be able to SAY to a judge that he wants to live with me. Then I heard his dad in the background, asking why he was crying. Our son told him he missed me. His Dad said in a very dismissive voice, "Well, you're talking to her now and you'll see her tomorrow". My son started to cry and it simply broke my heart. He rarely does this, although he always says he misses me.
I am afraid that now that he is getting older, he's realizing that the time he spends with me is so much more valuable than the time he spends with his father and he knows he would be happier with me. I am not trying to toot my own horn, but every single time I call to speak with my son at my ex's house, my ex is on the couch watching TV and my son is in his room, playing alone or watching TV or playing video games. When he's with me, we go bike-riding, read, draw, make crafts, bake, anything and everything to make our time together special and memorable. I realize it might not be that way ALL of the time if he WERE with me full time, but I love him beyond belief and I would do ANYTHING to have him with me all of the time. My ex is such a control freak that I know in my heart he doesn't have my son full time b/c he wants it, he has him to "stick it" to me. He doesn't even bath or dress or do anything for him; his girlfriend does it all! Another woman, taking care of MY son because my ex is too lazy and selfish to do it!
I am so angry at God for this; I did NOTHING to deserve this and my ex did EVERYTHING NOT to deserve this!!
Should I take my child to counseling or help him get through it with my love- is that going to be enough? I constantly worry about his mental health. People tell me things HAVE to change, in time, that what goes around comes around, etc etc. But COME ON, it's been six and a half years!!! I have to do something for my child, so he's not totally screwed up in the head. He should be with ME. Thanks for reading and helping.
However, to make a very long and dreadful story short, my ex-husband kept my son from me for a period of eight months simply b/c I refused to get back with him. He was abusive and controlling and at the end when I finally left him, he was online and had joined a sex-matching service. We didn't have an agreement yet for pareting time or custody, so there was nothing anyone could do until we got into court. IN the meantime, his lawyer postponed, there were filings going back and forth, lies, horrible lies, and my ex would just torture me with my son. He would tell me I had to come to his mother's to see my son, that I had to come to his girlfriend's to see my son, he would never let me leave with my son, just horrific things for no reason other than he was still controlling me.
For those of you who have been fortunate enough NOT to have to use the court system, you might not know how horrible it is! I took him to court over ten times, finally getting my parenting time. However, in the midst of having a horrible lawyer and no family support, my ex was able to somehow gain "primary household". So, although we have joint "legal" custody, I only get to have my son two nights a week for TWO HOURS (since he's in school), every Friday night and every other weekend. He even makes me pay child support now, even though I provide the same if not more than he provides for our son. He basically tricked me and I still have not forgiven myself for being naive and trusting. I have tried everythin. Even when my ex-husband was still living with his mother and her husband and my ex's mother was caring for my child, I tried to tell the courts that I had more of a right to care for my child than she did. Nothing. Then when my son told me that his step-grandfather (the one they were living with) told me that he touched "Pop-Pop's pee-pee" and I contacted DYFS, the courts did NOTHING. Then I moved myself 40 minutes from where I've lived all of my life to be closer to my son and asked the court to give me more time, NOTHING. I rarely tell this story b/c people jump to conclusions and it is the worst part of my life, not having my child with me. But I felt compelled to tell it this time.
My son has never really asked why things are the way they are, and I refuse to bad-mouth his father, no matter how much I hate him. Last night though, when we spoke before he went to bed, he told me he missed me about seven times. I told him I missed him too and loved him and asked him if he knew that. He said yes. I then told him when he's sad I'm sad, so I wanted him to smile and that we would see each other tomorrow. He sounded tired, so I'm sure that contributed to his sadness/feelings, but then he told me he wanted to live with me. I told him we had to wait until he gets a little older. I didn't go into the details, about the fact that he has to be able to SAY to a judge that he wants to live with me. Then I heard his dad in the background, asking why he was crying. Our son told him he missed me. His Dad said in a very dismissive voice, "Well, you're talking to her now and you'll see her tomorrow". My son started to cry and it simply broke my heart. He rarely does this, although he always says he misses me.
I am afraid that now that he is getting older, he's realizing that the time he spends with me is so much more valuable than the time he spends with his father and he knows he would be happier with me. I am not trying to toot my own horn, but every single time I call to speak with my son at my ex's house, my ex is on the couch watching TV and my son is in his room, playing alone or watching TV or playing video games. When he's with me, we go bike-riding, read, draw, make crafts, bake, anything and everything to make our time together special and memorable. I realize it might not be that way ALL of the time if he WERE with me full time, but I love him beyond belief and I would do ANYTHING to have him with me all of the time. My ex is such a control freak that I know in my heart he doesn't have my son full time b/c he wants it, he has him to "stick it" to me. He doesn't even bath or dress or do anything for him; his girlfriend does it all! Another woman, taking care of MY son because my ex is too lazy and selfish to do it!
I am so angry at God for this; I did NOTHING to deserve this and my ex did EVERYTHING NOT to deserve this!!
Should I take my child to counseling or help him get through it with my love- is that going to be enough? I constantly worry about his mental health. People tell me things HAVE to change, in time, that what goes around comes around, etc etc. But COME ON, it's been six and a half years!!! I have to do something for my child, so he's not totally screwed up in the head. He should be with ME. Thanks for reading and helping.
Thank you al, for your comments and compliments! You are right, I definitely should be as nice as possible! I will do my best! Thanks again!
By the way - your son is absolutely adorable. And I'm sure you are a great mom. Keep your head up - some day hopefully this will all turn in your favor!
I would not get back with him to try and get your son and make him go to court - especially if this guy is abusive and knows all the cops. It's liable to really backfire on you.
I still think the best thing to do is try to be as amicable as possible, Take the high road - for your son. Even if this girl is 2 faced - just be nice and remember the aim is to get as much extra time with your son as possible. You don't have to get involved with your ex and his girlfriends life - just be nice. And in the meantime - if you can - find a better lawyer and keep going back to court for full custody.
I still think the best thing to do is try to be as amicable as possible, Take the high road - for your son. Even if this girl is 2 faced - just be nice and remember the aim is to get as much extra time with your son as possible. You don't have to get involved with your ex and his girlfriends life - just be nice. And in the meantime - if you can - find a better lawyer and keep going back to court for full custody.
Sorry, one more thing. I was in a wonderful relationship for the past four years. That just broke up b/c he refused to move here with me. He despises my ex so much that when he sees him, the vein in his neck goes INSANE! I've never seen anything like it. But, I did what I had to do, b/c I thought I was going to get more time with my son. I guess it wasn't the plan tho. Now that relationship has basically fallen apart and I don't think I'll get it back. I now travel 45 minutes to work everyday since I've moved here too. I'm aware that I've sacrificed a lot to try to be as much of an influence in my child's life as possible. At least when he gets older, maybe he'll see for himself how much he's always meant to me.
OH! I forgot to mention, in the town that he lives in, he knows all of the policemen, the whole stinking town, basically. So everytime he would refuse to give me my time with my son, I'd contact the police, make a report and basically they'd do NOTHING since there was no order. THEN, even when there was an order, my ex TRIED to keep my son still and there were times when they'd convince him to hand my son over,but many times, they refused to get involved, telling me I had to take it to court! Then if I'd go to something at my son's school, everyone looked at me sideways. I'm telling you, it's like a lifetime movie!!!! Now that I've moved here, though, I've kind of forced myself into the school system, filed complaints against the police department (one guy actually transferred to another municipality) and I guess they know I'm not going away, b/c the schools are much nicer to me at least! :)
Hi, thank you so much for your comments!
ROCK ROSE, I seem to always follow your comments on other things; don't know why; you always seem to have great insight, and at the same time are a little skeptic of people, which is not a horrible thing. But, like I said, I'm absolutely NOT leaving anything out, and that's the reason I dread telling my story, b/c people look at me and I KNOW they're asking themselves, "What has she done to lose her son?". Believe me, that's NOT the case.
When I left my ex, I had no job, no place to go and I have never had family support. I moved into an apartment my mother was keeping for herself while she cared for my sick grandmother. Her rent was being paid by my (super dooper) rich uncle. She told me if she told my uncle I was staying there he wouldn't pay the rent. To which my answer was a desperate, "ok, so don't tell him for now!". Well, my own mother screwed me over by telling him. My rent wasn't paid. My car, which my husband promised to pay the payment for, was repo-ed. So, yes, I was absolutely in the worst place of my life, but my love for my child overcame any feelings of depression about my life. I truly don't know anyone who would say a bad word about my mothering of my child. I KNOW I am a good mother. My sister said I should try the media, but let's say I do, there will be a swirl of activity for several months, maybe a few offers of pro-bono work, and then once everything dies down, what? Anyone who offers pro-bono would be doing so for the publicity and once that's gone, they will go away as well. Plus, I don't want my child in the press for something that's not his fault!
I definitely, more than once, have thought about running away with him. Still do think about it. I don't think I'm street-smart enough though.
As far as getting close with the girlfriend, she's two-faced. So one day she'd be my best friend, then the next day she'll not say a word to me. Strange. And my ex is NOT to be trusted. Once we talked about everything and I tried telling him how he doesn't realize how he's taken a piece of me by doing what he did and do you believe he used the situation to try to kiss me?!! He's a pig, a lier, a cheat, an abuser, everything you would NOT want a father to be. I'm stupid for choosing him, but I've gotten a wonderful child out of it.
I've actually thought about getting back together with him to try to take my son back. Maybe he'd drop everything if he thought we were back together for good, and then I could just take him and tell him HE had to get parenting time! What do you think about that?
Thanks guys, for your support. It's really a shame that what I get from my family is a shaking of the heads and a "let's beat his ***" and move onto the next conversation.
~Kathy
ROCK ROSE, I seem to always follow your comments on other things; don't know why; you always seem to have great insight, and at the same time are a little skeptic of people, which is not a horrible thing. But, like I said, I'm absolutely NOT leaving anything out, and that's the reason I dread telling my story, b/c people look at me and I KNOW they're asking themselves, "What has she done to lose her son?". Believe me, that's NOT the case.
When I left my ex, I had no job, no place to go and I have never had family support. I moved into an apartment my mother was keeping for herself while she cared for my sick grandmother. Her rent was being paid by my (super dooper) rich uncle. She told me if she told my uncle I was staying there he wouldn't pay the rent. To which my answer was a desperate, "ok, so don't tell him for now!". Well, my own mother screwed me over by telling him. My rent wasn't paid. My car, which my husband promised to pay the payment for, was repo-ed. So, yes, I was absolutely in the worst place of my life, but my love for my child overcame any feelings of depression about my life. I truly don't know anyone who would say a bad word about my mothering of my child. I KNOW I am a good mother. My sister said I should try the media, but let's say I do, there will be a swirl of activity for several months, maybe a few offers of pro-bono work, and then once everything dies down, what? Anyone who offers pro-bono would be doing so for the publicity and once that's gone, they will go away as well. Plus, I don't want my child in the press for something that's not his fault!
I definitely, more than once, have thought about running away with him. Still do think about it. I don't think I'm street-smart enough though.
As far as getting close with the girlfriend, she's two-faced. So one day she'd be my best friend, then the next day she'll not say a word to me. Strange. And my ex is NOT to be trusted. Once we talked about everything and I tried telling him how he doesn't realize how he's taken a piece of me by doing what he did and do you believe he used the situation to try to kiss me?!! He's a pig, a lier, a cheat, an abuser, everything you would NOT want a father to be. I'm stupid for choosing him, but I've gotten a wonderful child out of it.
I've actually thought about getting back together with him to try to take my son back. Maybe he'd drop everything if he thought we were back together for good, and then I could just take him and tell him HE had to get parenting time! What do you think about that?
Thanks guys, for your support. It's really a shame that what I get from my family is a shaking of the heads and a "let's beat his ***" and move onto the next conversation.
~Kathy
I agree it's not over yet. If you were a man it would be over, but since you are a woman you will win in the end.
I agree - it's not over - unless we are all missing something. If we are and you know that this arrangement is set in stone - then I would try to be extra nice to his father and the girlfriend. Because they are the key to seeing your son. This may not be easy but it may be the only way to get some extra time with your son. This sounds devious and manipulative - but I'd try especially hard to win over the girlfriend! It would be very beneficial to your son if you could all be friendly toward one another and make it more of a joint effort to raise him. I don't know if that is possible with the type of guy your ex is - but maybe somehow you could make it happen?
Oh my you are a stronger person than me b/c I think I would have had to run away with my child. I commend your strength. I don't understand how on earth you got so severely screwed. Call the attorney general. Ok.... that's in Texas but I'm sure you have one that can help you but in TX that would not have EVER happened. I don't agree that it's DONE that he's with his dad. Unless you are leaving something out, you still have fight left and you should use it. You may have to be careful. But consult a new lawyer, attorney general, find a judge friend to advise you....ANYTHING! My heart is broken for you!
Make the best of what you've got.
It's done that he's with his dad. Use your time to the best of your ability and make sure that he's feeling loved when he's with you.
For now, that's all the time you have.
It's done that he's with his dad. Use your time to the best of your ability and make sure that he's feeling loved when he's with you.
For now, that's all the time you have.
Oops, sorry, I mean to also say that this sounds so sad, and I'm sorry you're having to go through all this.
This is the way men are almost always treated in the courts - they get Wednesday evening and every other weekend regardless of how fit they are as a dad. Women very rarely get treated this way.
Is there something you're not saying that would be important in understanding what's going on here?
Is there something you're not saying that would be important in understanding what's going on here?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments
