Step son won't let me touch him

[natashad314]

I have a step son who is 6 and will be 7 in October. His father and I have been married about a 1 1/2. The child will not let me comfort him, hug him, kiss him, or touch him for the most part. Every time I do touch him he says I hurt him even if is a pat on the head. I don't know what to do anymore. I treat him just like I do my son who is 5. I love the little boy he is a good kid for the most part. I think he has some  issues. He never wanted for my and his dad to get married, he is opinionated, he has to have the last word on everything, he argues about everything and says everyone else is wrong, he hates school even though he is extremely bright, he calls himself fat and I discourage him as much as I can on that even though he is a little over weight, he doesn't have any friends even though I do set play dates with other moms, every time I pick him up from school he is playing by himself. He mother is a part of his life but not a very good part. He lives with us full time and sees her occasionally. I just recently found out that he hasn't been brushing his teeth there because when she moved there (this is her fourth move in 1 year) she lost his toothbrush and told him that she didn't have time to get him one and the bathroom is gross anyway so he didn't need to be in there anyway. I bought him a tooth brush to take with him. I have been trying to talk his dad into taking him to a psychologist but he is completely against that. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to be a mother to this little boy. I take care of him completely and meet every need he has. I just want him to let me give him a hug and let me pat him on the head with out him crying. I don't know what to do.

[jemma116]

Don't touch him unless he wants you to.

If his dad is around and playing with his son,  leave them on their own for a while so that they can spend with each other.  Go into another room and do some other chores.  Never compete with the child.  No doubt his dad goes to work all day and the 6 year old goes to school so there is not much time for him to be with his dad.  

Dads and sons have their own little "thing" going on, and you have to allow them to do that and bond with each other.

This happens even if the parents are not separated.

[cards63141]

My 6 year old stepson does the same thing...when i tough him I hurt him. I do spend time with him one on one but when his dad is around its like we are fighting for attention.

[here4theinfo]

Hi, thats really sad. My step daughter used to do the same to me. Its no fun for anyone, I couldnt even kiss her without her wiping it away. Anyways, her mom was terrible, but all they wanted was to be with her, to help "her" "change". I have other kids, when I would love on them, she would get so mad, but then try to give her the same, and she was mad. Just always mad. They finally went to live with their mom to try it out, her mother has not allowed us to have any contact at all, she was the one to make the kids think it wasnt ok for them to be loved by anyone else. So now the way I see it, is the kids are missing out on a whole bunch of love. However, everyonce in a while, we would have what I called a "breaktrhough", where for a moment she would lighten up, her dad and I were going to take them to counseling before her mom took them away. So I duggest taking him to counseling and see if that doesnt help.Kids should know that it is OK to be loved by anyone whom is going to love them, tell the dad that it is very important for his son how to learn this before he becomes a hateful adult. Maybe then the dad will understand, no "good"parent wants their kids to grow up hateful. Find out if you can help him, your **** a great job!!

[RockRose]

I have a really wonderful,  loving friend who married a man with kids.  The middle daughter wouldn't warm up to her,  no matter how Jan tried to be kind.

One day she found a list of "rules"  the child had written.  One of them was "Never love your stepmom more than your mom".  Her real mother was a cold fish,  and  hard to love.  How heartbreaking,  the conflict this child felt.


Maybe that's what he's doing.  Maybe he doesn't want to love you more than his mother.

Best wishes.

[laura1977]

It is sad when a mother isn't a mother to her son.  He is lucky to have you in his life though.  My mothers father wasn't a good dad to her and my uncle, and my grandma.  The best thing that happened to them was when my grandma met my grandpa 40 years ago.  My grandpa was the best grandpa, not because he had to because he was actually my step grandpa, but because he wanted to.  The day he died it hurt more then any other grandparent (blood) dying.  The funny part was at his funeral, the pastor went around to all the grandkids and asked them what they remember most of their grandfather..........all 10 grandkids said the same thing, "he always took us to dairy queen" That was just something so special.  So, my friend I am glad that your step son has such a great person in his life as you, that you care so much about him.  He may not understand how special you are to him now, but you wait he will.  I have respect for people that come into kids lives and treat them as their own.  

[natashad314]

I don't know if it's that he wants them to get back together because he has never known them living together. He was 3 months old when they split. I've never just taken him (just me and him) somewhere. I have with my son when my step son goes to his mothers. So I think I might try that. I have told him I'm not trying to take his mom's place that I am a "bonus mom" and that I am here when your mom can't be to talk to about things. I think he might not know how to be affectionate with a mother figure. I don't think his mother is affectionate with him. When she picks him up I don't think I've ever heard her say hello to him just come on. I'm trying my best here with him so I will defiantly try taking him somewhere and see how that goes. Thank You for your help.

[laura1977]

Every child wants their parents to get back together.  That may be part of it.  Another part could be the fact that his mother has moved four times.  If he is calling himself fat, I hope his mother isn't saying it to him?  Do something special with him that you know he loves and just you two go.  Make him feel like you are a cool step mom.  Make sure he knows that you aren't trying to take the place of his mother, you just want to be his step mom.  I really think if you find an activity that he enjoys and you two do it, you might make him see your a pretty cool step mom to have.
Do you have a place called "pump it up" where you live????  Kids love that place.  It is a place that has a bunch of those big blow up jumping things.