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8 year old argumentative , disrespectful, needs constant attention
Our child is 8 years old and is very good hearted and behaves perfectly at school.
However at home and especially on the weekends he is in constant need of attention from the second he wakes up and if he doesn't get 100% attention he becomes very disrespectful and constantly whines .
The wife and I aren't able to have a conversation without constant interruptions, nor do we have 10 minutes for ourself.
He does not like video games or watching tv by himself. He also doesn't like playing by himself. Therefore unlike many parents we don't even get a half hour to an hour to ourself. Even when he plays with the neighbourhood kids they end up at our house and in side our house.
He also sleeps in our bedroom and has taken over every room in the house with toys.
This morning we have been fighting from 7:30am till 12:30 pm with constant crying and arguing. Its very difficult to not lose our cool and spank him. In the past when we have spanked him its been like a reset button then he cries for another 30 minutes then goes back to normal.
However since he is 8 years old we are trying to not spank him any-more but the fits without spanking can last for 2 to 4 hours. He just does not quit with the whining and crying which can last for hours.
Today we decided that every time he is disrespectful to put him in his room for 5 minutes at a time . We had todo this for 4 hours straight because he just couldn't stop. Eventually we had to drop him off at grandmas house because we couldn't take it any longer. Note his crying/yelling can be very loud and despite closing the door in his room it can still be heard.
He has been diagnosed with mild ADHD without hyperactivity.
We know we are to blame for most of it , but we are looking for suggestions on how to reverse this pattern.
1. What suggestions do you have to make him more independent and to want to play by himself?
2. What suggestions do you have to make him be appreciative of what he has and we do for him?
3. What suggestions do you have to make him be respectful towards us and be less argumentative?
4. What suggestions do you have to create adult time and space. Note we are very limited on people that can help us and take him for a few hours to get us a little time to ourselves.
Thank you in advance.
However at home and especially on the weekends he is in constant need of attention from the second he wakes up and if he doesn't get 100% attention he becomes very disrespectful and constantly whines .
The wife and I aren't able to have a conversation without constant interruptions, nor do we have 10 minutes for ourself.
He does not like video games or watching tv by himself. He also doesn't like playing by himself. Therefore unlike many parents we don't even get a half hour to an hour to ourself. Even when he plays with the neighbourhood kids they end up at our house and in side our house.
He also sleeps in our bedroom and has taken over every room in the house with toys.
This morning we have been fighting from 7:30am till 12:30 pm with constant crying and arguing. Its very difficult to not lose our cool and spank him. In the past when we have spanked him its been like a reset button then he cries for another 30 minutes then goes back to normal.
However since he is 8 years old we are trying to not spank him any-more but the fits without spanking can last for 2 to 4 hours. He just does not quit with the whining and crying which can last for hours.
Today we decided that every time he is disrespectful to put him in his room for 5 minutes at a time . We had todo this for 4 hours straight because he just couldn't stop. Eventually we had to drop him off at grandmas house because we couldn't take it any longer. Note his crying/yelling can be very loud and despite closing the door in his room it can still be heard.
He has been diagnosed with mild ADHD without hyperactivity.
We know we are to blame for most of it , but we are looking for suggestions on how to reverse this pattern.
1. What suggestions do you have to make him more independent and to want to play by himself?
2. What suggestions do you have to make him be appreciative of what he has and we do for him?
3. What suggestions do you have to make him be respectful towards us and be less argumentative?
4. What suggestions do you have to create adult time and space. Note we are very limited on people that can help us and take him for a few hours to get us a little time to ourselves.
Thank you in advance.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thanks, the extra info does help a bit. Probably try the Love and Logic book first. It might be a better fit.
Don't expect the medication to change his attitude. It is not supposed to do that and if it did it would be an over dose. In fact, you might want to think about giving him his meds during the weekend and see if that makes any difference in his behavior. I have seen several studies that show weekend breaks might hurt more then help. Here is one link on that - http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/718-3.html
My question about school was - "is he really fine"? I didn't ask if he was getting into trouble. I still think that a talk with his teacher would be a good idea to see if she notices this lack of independence (compared to other kids) at school. It would give you a sense of how easy or difficult it will be to change that behavior. Oh, I assume he is in third grade?
The tough part of this is that he is only 8.... and he has ADD.... and (I suspect) some anxiety. And this is a behavior that he has developed over time..... which makes it harder to correct.
Since you are new to this whole ADD thing, I do recommend that you do take the time to find out more about it. This site is very good. http://www.additudemag.com/resource-center/adhd-parenting-skills.html
I am curious, has he always been this demanding of your attention?
Can you give me some examples of what he wants you to do. What does he want that causes him to whine and cry for hours. And by the way, if he really does whine and cry non stop for hours - that is unusual and a cause for concern.
Long story, short. There is (I think) a lot going on here that makes this a bit more then just a quest for independence on his part. Do me a favor and talk with his teacher to see if any of this carries over to the school.
Don't expect the medication to change his attitude. It is not supposed to do that and if it did it would be an over dose. In fact, you might want to think about giving him his meds during the weekend and see if that makes any difference in his behavior. I have seen several studies that show weekend breaks might hurt more then help. Here is one link on that - http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/718-3.html
My question about school was - "is he really fine"? I didn't ask if he was getting into trouble. I still think that a talk with his teacher would be a good idea to see if she notices this lack of independence (compared to other kids) at school. It would give you a sense of how easy or difficult it will be to change that behavior. Oh, I assume he is in third grade?
The tough part of this is that he is only 8.... and he has ADD.... and (I suspect) some anxiety. And this is a behavior that he has developed over time..... which makes it harder to correct.
Since you are new to this whole ADD thing, I do recommend that you do take the time to find out more about it. This site is very good. http://www.additudemag.com/resource-center/adhd-parenting-skills.html
I am curious, has he always been this demanding of your attention?
Can you give me some examples of what he wants you to do. What does he want that causes him to whine and cry for hours. And by the way, if he really does whine and cry non stop for hours - that is unusual and a cause for concern.
Long story, short. There is (I think) a lot going on here that makes this a bit more then just a quest for independence on his part. Do me a favor and talk with his teacher to see if any of this carries over to the school.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Rockrose brings up an interesting point. The fact that your wife goes to bed and sleeps with him does make it sound like you are a newer addition. I suppose that you could have allowed this to happen from an earlier age?
Point being - the child seems to have some very strong anxieties. Where do these come from? What is his past history?
Of course, kids (and adults) with ADD have anxiety and depression as a strong co-disorder. And this is something that has to be dealt with. You said he has (basically) ADD. Who diagnosed this? Is he on medication? Have you asked the doctor for any help?
I also really wonder if he is fine at school. Have you talked with his teacher? If this is only happening at home - then it is at least partially a learned behavior which can be slowly changed. But, if he is beginning to have problems at school - he may be just barely holding it together at school until he gets home and then releases it on you. As the CL on the ADHD forum, I have seen this happen many times.
So really in dealing with this, we need a bit more info. And it may be that you need professional help. But, I would think that the anxiety would also carry over into school. Teachers report kids who are discipline problems, they don't report kids who hang on to them. Talk with the teacher!
If it really is only happening at home - that makes a difference.
So, lets assume that he has developed a learned behavior on how to get attention. This is something that can be slowly changed. It takes consistent, immediate reinforcement. And it will take up to three weeks to work for a particular behavior. that is because it has taken him quite a while to develop this behavior and you cannot change it overnight.
There are two highly recommended books that might help you. Take a look at Love and logic by fay and cline. Also, on ways to effectively use timeouts check out "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.
As Steve said, knock off the spanking. It will not help (as you have found out) for a variety of reasons. Using the above books, pick one thing that you want to change and deal with just that for several weeks and then move on.
Oh, at this age, its a great time for your wife or you to read to him at bed time. (Lots of good books out there) and then head for your own bedroom. Does she spend the whole night with him or stay just till he falls asleep?
Point being - the child seems to have some very strong anxieties. Where do these come from? What is his past history?
Of course, kids (and adults) with ADD have anxiety and depression as a strong co-disorder. And this is something that has to be dealt with. You said he has (basically) ADD. Who diagnosed this? Is he on medication? Have you asked the doctor for any help?
I also really wonder if he is fine at school. Have you talked with his teacher? If this is only happening at home - then it is at least partially a learned behavior which can be slowly changed. But, if he is beginning to have problems at school - he may be just barely holding it together at school until he gets home and then releases it on you. As the CL on the ADHD forum, I have seen this happen many times.
So really in dealing with this, we need a bit more info. And it may be that you need professional help. But, I would think that the anxiety would also carry over into school. Teachers report kids who are discipline problems, they don't report kids who hang on to them. Talk with the teacher!
If it really is only happening at home - that makes a difference.
So, lets assume that he has developed a learned behavior on how to get attention. This is something that can be slowly changed. It takes consistent, immediate reinforcement. And it will take up to three weeks to work for a particular behavior. that is because it has taken him quite a while to develop this behavior and you cannot change it overnight.
There are two highly recommended books that might help you. Take a look at Love and logic by fay and cline. Also, on ways to effectively use timeouts check out "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.
As Steve said, knock off the spanking. It will not help (as you have found out) for a variety of reasons. Using the above books, pick one thing that you want to change and deal with just that for several weeks and then move on.
Oh, at this age, its a great time for your wife or you to read to him at bed time. (Lots of good books out there) and then head for your own bedroom. Does she spend the whole night with him or stay just till he falls asleep?
2 Comments
At school he has no behaviour issues what so ever.
Although he does struggle with his homework. His homework issues was what caused us to talk to his paediatrician and the school. Within the last month we started giving him medication for his ADD but try to not give it to him on the weekend. Although he had the same attitude prior to the medicine as well.
His behaviour issues are only when we are home and primarily on the weekends. Outside the house he is fine. He does not like playing video games nor watching tv especially alone. Which is great in part , because we don't want him to become glued to the tv or video games. However, even trying to clean up the house is virtually impossible on the weekends because he wants constant attention.
Part of the issue we think is that he gets bored inside because he is an active child. However, we built a tree fort just outside the back of the house, basketball, have a pool, outside tv and toys but unless we are with him he could care less about any of it. We are not expecting him to be out there all day long but I would think he should be able to entertain himself while we pickup and do chores around the house.
We are just looking for advice on how to get him to become a little more independent.
Although he does struggle with his homework. His homework issues was what caused us to talk to his paediatrician and the school. Within the last month we started giving him medication for his ADD but try to not give it to him on the weekend. Although he had the same attitude prior to the medicine as well.
His behaviour issues are only when we are home and primarily on the weekends. Outside the house he is fine. He does not like playing video games nor watching tv especially alone. Which is great in part , because we don't want him to become glued to the tv or video games. However, even trying to clean up the house is virtually impossible on the weekends because he wants constant attention.
Part of the issue we think is that he gets bored inside because he is an active child. However, we built a tree fort just outside the back of the house, basketball, have a pool, outside tv and toys but unless we are with him he could care less about any of it. We are not expecting him to be out there all day long but I would think he should be able to entertain himself while we pickup and do chores around the house.
We are just looking for advice on how to get him to become a little more independent.
Also thanks for the suggestions on the book. I will look into them.
Are you his dad, noobies? Because from the description you give, this is what I hear men say who have been married to their wife for less than a year or so, and didn't really understand the full-time job of having a child, and additionally doesn't particularly like the child.
There was no where in your schedule where you are alone with him, and the tone of your post is why won't this kid leave us alone.
Having raised 3 boys, I'm not sure what parents you know of who get an hour break while they sit there and drink coffee in privacy with an 8 year old only child in the house.
The part that shocked me the most was when you were at wits end with his behavior, you took him to grandmas house for her to handle. That smacks of new husband can't stand this kid one more minute.
Sorry to be so questioning, but I think this is a case of a child who feels very unwelcome in his own home, especially noting that he does perfectly well at school.
Having to share mom with a man who doesn't like you is hard on a kid. Forgive me if I've guessed wrong about your situation.
There was no where in your schedule where you are alone with him, and the tone of your post is why won't this kid leave us alone.
Having raised 3 boys, I'm not sure what parents you know of who get an hour break while they sit there and drink coffee in privacy with an 8 year old only child in the house.
The part that shocked me the most was when you were at wits end with his behavior, you took him to grandmas house for her to handle. That smacks of new husband can't stand this kid one more minute.
Sorry to be so questioning, but I think this is a case of a child who feels very unwelcome in his own home, especially noting that he does perfectly well at school.
Having to share mom with a man who doesn't like you is hard on a kid. Forgive me if I've guessed wrong about your situation.
1 Comments
Yes you guessed wrong and way off, but I understand reading one post is hard to read anyone.
Got to get your son to a doctor and have some tests done. And the doctor will be able to steer you to a child therapist if needed. Get his Thyroid checked. He could have an over active thyroid. I had an over active thyroid when I was a kid and it gave me lots of problems.
Your son seems like he is addicted to getting attention and can't quit. Something like a person suffering with Turrets. He could be very insecure also. Anyway, get him to the doc and then maybe to a specialist. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to change anything.
Above all give him lots of hugs and tell him you love him. That could be what he is looking for. Or he is looking for something from you he feels he's not getting. And no more spankings. In this case anyway. I'm not against spankings, but this isn't one of those situations for it.
Your son seems like he is addicted to getting attention and can't quit. Something like a person suffering with Turrets. He could be very insecure also. Anyway, get him to the doc and then maybe to a specialist. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to change anything.
Above all give him lots of hugs and tell him you love him. That could be what he is looking for. Or he is looking for something from you he feels he's not getting. And no more spankings. In this case anyway. I'm not against spankings, but this isn't one of those situations for it.
If you could provide a suggested schedule for M-F and weekends that would be great as well.
Currently our typical m-f schedule
7 am - 5:30 pm - [Work , school and he attends sportsclub between 3-5:30 pm in school]
6 - 7 pm - cook and do homework
8- 9 pm - Watch kids tv together as a family
9pm - Wife goes to bed and sleeps with him.
Sat - Sun
7:30 - 12:30 - basketball game and lunch
12:30 - 9pm - activities that he wants todo or its a constant battle. We cant even make it through 2 cups of coffee with being interrupted or without constantly asking him to let us just drink our coffee.
Currently our typical m-f schedule
7 am - 5:30 pm - [Work , school and he attends sportsclub between 3-5:30 pm in school]
6 - 7 pm - cook and do homework
8- 9 pm - Watch kids tv together as a family
9pm - Wife goes to bed and sleeps with him.
Sat - Sun
7:30 - 12:30 - basketball game and lunch
12:30 - 9pm - activities that he wants todo or its a constant battle. We cant even make it through 2 cups of coffee with being interrupted or without constantly asking him to let us just drink our coffee.
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