Abuse?? VERY LONG & GRAPHIC

[Netta915]

Hello all,

I am TOTALLY new to this forum. In fact I found this forum doing a google search on my concern....


My daughter just celebrated her 3rd birthday on Monday 1/24. Her birthday party was Saturday 1/22. I'm gonna get right to the point...

The day of her party, my daughter and my 11 year old nephew were playing upstairs in her room...door open, lights on, plenty of people in the house, etc. Later in the night she comes downstairs and tells me that her cousin put his penis in her mouth and she choked. O...M...G!!!! Now she, being not quite 3, had no clue that what happened was a bad thing. She didn't come to me upset or anything, she was just talking. She has NEVER seen me & my husband engaging in sex, we don't talk about it in front of her, she hasn't seen it on tv and she can't make this stuff up.

My nephew's mother was there as well.  My nephew flat out denied it at first. Then he said that he only told her that sometimes boys put their penises in girl's mouths and they sometimes choke, but he claimed that he never did anything to her. He said he learned it from the internet and his older brother. My husband and I both FLIPPED OUT, we cried, etc, rightfully so. But my nephew's mother (my sister) really didn't do too much of anything. I didn't get an apology from my nephew until yesterday.  My sister's husband was upset, but was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.

At any rate, we told my nephew that he is no longer allowed in our house. We absolutely cannot risk this happening again. About 2 years ago, he touched my son's penis and a while back something (i don't know exactly what) happened between him and a kid at his school.

He has his own issues as well...lead poisoning, OCD, ADHD  and is taking medication. But this kid knows right from wrong and he is very sneaky. He sees a psychologist and psychiatrist. I told my sis that I would go with her to his next appt. She has a tendency to leave things out and I want to make sure that EVERYTHING is said.  My sister is in denial as well and said that she doesn't think it happened because my daughter said "no" ONE TIME when I asked her if it really happened. The rest of the times she was consistent. Again, she's 3 (now) and wouldn't know to make something like this up. My prayer is that she never remembers this and is not damaged in the future by this.  The thing is, she brought it up to her grandmother today...grandma did not ask her, she came out and said it.

Now I know that kids are curious and they explore and all that, but there is such a drastic age difference between the two.

I just needed to vent and see what you ladies think and how you all would handle this situation? Did we do too much? Not enough? Do we report him or handle it within the family and take the proper steps to ensure it doesn't happen again? My heart is breaking and I really don't know what else to do at this point.  This is my baby girl and her innocence was stolen...

UPDATE: So my sister just sent me a text message cuz I told her that I was going to report her son. She said that she found a neurologist for him and he will also have a mentor. He also has other doctors involved with him.  When I say she did nothing, mean she didn't snatch his *** up and beat the crap out of him, she didn't yell at him, make him apologize or anything. And that really hurt. Ugh!! This is so horrible :(

[specialmom]

I have one thing to add.  I totally get you and think I'd flip my lid if my baby was ever put in this situation------------- however, when another child does this it is usually because it has happened to them.  If he actually did this to your daughter, I'd guess that he is a victem of abuse somewhere along the way himself.  That is very sad.  Child on child sexual abuse is so very often a viscious cycle.  Do not loathe the boy as he may have been through some sort of trauma early on himself.  What would be the right thing here for all parties is if his mother too him to a therapist.  If he has psychiatric issues on top of it, this would make perfect sense to have him see a therapist to provide help that he desperately needs.  Suggest this to your sister in a kind way.  

Your child is a victem but her child might have been too.  So I'd handle this from that stand point while protecting your child first and foremost.  So sorry this has happened.  good luck and peace.

[margypops]

You are doing the right thing, I would believe what your daughter said aswell 3 year olds do not make these things up and considering the other stuff, do not let him around your family, your sister and husband need to take it seriously he may do something to another small child .Its upsetting to have this split but the important thing is your child is protected . It makes one wonder what happened to your nephew to make him behave like this .

[Netta915]

Thank you so much.

[RockRose]

Netta,   I think you're taking the right stance here considering the circumstances.

You are a good mother.  Standing up to your sister must be incredibly difficult,  but it needs to be done.

Best wishes.  

[Netta915]

Thank you RockRose...not only is he not allowed in our home unsupervised, i don't want him here at all. i can't trust him. he is very sneaky. i feel like if i let him back in our house my daughter may remember what her cousin did to her. i don't want her to have any memory of this and i don't want her to be traumatized. we are addressing it as a family and my nephew is well aware of how serious this has become, at least i hope he is. my husband scared the crap out of him. i just pray that he doesn't do this to another kid.

[RockRose]

oops,  not "joke",   I meant "choke".  

[RockRose]

Netta, I think it's likely the incident occurred.  

On the other hand,  just hearing his story about boys putting penises in girls mouths make them joke would also possibly cause her to tell this story.  Small kids are SO SUGGESTIBLE.

It's not okay either way.  Whether he did this,  or tried to get by with just saying he described it,  it's not okay.  When he said he just described this act it's not like everyone should say okay well that's a horse of a different color,  that's fine.  

So.  At this point,  you need to not react strongly in front of your daughter.  You need to be very matter of fact that this was inappropriate,  but like,  it's as inappropriate as some kid pushing her off the monkey bars.  The more you react,  the more she'll be damaged.

And I agree with you not allowing your nephew in your home unsupervised.  During family events where everyone is gathered,  you need to keep a watchful eye on your kids.  Just know where they are all the time,  within your eyesight.  

Best wishes.  This too shall pass.