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Different feelings for my 2 children
Hello all. I have come on here to maybe get some perspective on something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I have 2 children, a toddler age 2 and a baby aged 3 months. Both my children have different fathers. The father for my 2 year old was a very abusive man, and wasn't really there for me when I first had my first child. The father of my 3 month old however has been there every step of the way. I don't know if my feelings towards my two year old are normal but here's the situation: he's 2 years old, so of course he's going through that "stage" of getting into anything and everything that he can possibly get into. It's hard for me to deal with because I DO NOT like his behavior. he has supervised visits with his dad, and when he comes here from seeing his dad, he just does things he normally wouldn't, and I just put him in his crib for time out because I can't handle his behavior. I find my self increasingly withdrawing from him. I feel like I love him, but I don't like him, and I was wondering if it is because his father was abusive towards me? Do mothers' feel differently about their children, given the way the fathers' of these children treated the mother? I just adore my 3 month old, and spend so much time with him. My 2 year old, I bathe him, feed him, you know, take care of him, but there is no feeling of wanting to be interact with him. My mother babysits him about once a week so I can get a break. I don't know if there is something wrong with me...if I can just get over these feelings? Or is it something deeper? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated thank you.
I have a saying, "half of solving a problem is realizing you have one". The mere fact that you recognize this going on with your 2 year old is half of the equazion to it being solved. I would also like to go one step further by adding how responsible of you to ask the world for help. IE, you not only recognize the problem you are doing something about it. Hopefully, I can offer up some ideas that may help.
First, one of the biggest mistakes we all share is allowing the past in the present. Yes, you made a mistake picking the wrong guy in the past, and yes you have a permanent reminder of that mistake, his child, that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. But the child is not the mistake, not at all, only the fact that you allow old memories of this past man to live through the child, is. It's just this simple--drop all considerations of this man and do it now. To allow what ever this man did to you in the past to be at your dinner table, in your bed, to disrupt a cute moment from any interacting between you and either of your children is not in the best interest of any of you. Why grant this obviously troubled person that power over you? So, deneigh him that right. He had that right once and he screwed it up for that to continue isn't him anymore, its you. A man that abuses a woman, child or animal is a coward of the worst kind. He doesn't deserve a wasted thought much less your attention. Also this kind of person knows your buttons and will push them as long as you allow it. If you can't control that, then I suggest space and distance bewteen you and him until you have completely disacociated yourself from his influence. That means no phone calls, text messages, emails and on his visitation with your two year old let him meet your new husband at the door to pick up and return your child until which time you feel uneffected by his contact.
However, I suspect there is more going on with your two year old than your feelings about your exhusband. If he's the kind of guy that when you were together would be nice in front of other people but bash you when you got alone because you said something you weren't suppose to or because you smiled at another guy or because of any other trivial matters then you can bet he says and/or does antagonistic things, but not physically, to the two year old. After visitation with his father is your two year old more disruptive? Does he resent your other child, your present husband, etc? If you haven't been checking this out then I suggest you start. Also, don't let him know your doing it. Keep a record. There is always an underlying reason why a childs behavior goes off and often its from a third party influence, even at his age. If this is the case it may intail you taking your child to phycologist for several visits to get an evaluation that will hold up in court so as to at the very minimum get supervised visitation between the father and the two year old.
There is also other factors influencing your two year old. You just had another baby and are giving the baby some of the attention you once gave your two year old. You have to compensate for this. One of the biggest mistakes I've seen in parenting and primarily coming from the mother is what I call the "exchange factor." This is huge and very damaging to a mother child and new child relationship.
An example: The two year old wants to help mom so he grabs a rag to help her wipe off the table but he makes it worse. Because mom has another child and is more busy than before she takes the rag from him and cleans the table herself. Sometimes mom gets onto the two year old for making a bigger mess when all baby 2 yr old wanted to do was give something back or take something off of mom. He gets frustrated and irritated and feels useless to mom and new baby. Bad behavior ensues which turns into a vicious circle. Try an experiment. Give baby two year old something to do and praise him for it no matter how messy he makes it. See what happens! I believe you will be surprised. Ask baby to throw something in the trash. Let him carry a towel to the bath room, help fold laudry items. Let him go get you a baby bottle that you conveniently set low enough for him to reach. Maybe later let baby 2 year old feed baby for a minute or two every now and then and watch what happens. Warning though--once you have achieved this you still can't trust the baby alone around your little baby. You will find once your two year old really feels he is giving something back he may get over confident and offer the wrong solution to his crying baby. You will have to coach him on this but not get angry with him.
How do you feel when someone has done something nice for you? Do you feel you should do something back? Its only human nature to want to stay in exchange with another. At what age does this human nature thing occur? Age 1 1/2 years old. Try it, be patient, pre arrange it, appraise it,control it and benefit from it. I hope this has helped. Good luck.
First, one of the biggest mistakes we all share is allowing the past in the present. Yes, you made a mistake picking the wrong guy in the past, and yes you have a permanent reminder of that mistake, his child, that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. But the child is not the mistake, not at all, only the fact that you allow old memories of this past man to live through the child, is. It's just this simple--drop all considerations of this man and do it now. To allow what ever this man did to you in the past to be at your dinner table, in your bed, to disrupt a cute moment from any interacting between you and either of your children is not in the best interest of any of you. Why grant this obviously troubled person that power over you? So, deneigh him that right. He had that right once and he screwed it up for that to continue isn't him anymore, its you. A man that abuses a woman, child or animal is a coward of the worst kind. He doesn't deserve a wasted thought much less your attention. Also this kind of person knows your buttons and will push them as long as you allow it. If you can't control that, then I suggest space and distance bewteen you and him until you have completely disacociated yourself from his influence. That means no phone calls, text messages, emails and on his visitation with your two year old let him meet your new husband at the door to pick up and return your child until which time you feel uneffected by his contact.
However, I suspect there is more going on with your two year old than your feelings about your exhusband. If he's the kind of guy that when you were together would be nice in front of other people but bash you when you got alone because you said something you weren't suppose to or because you smiled at another guy or because of any other trivial matters then you can bet he says and/or does antagonistic things, but not physically, to the two year old. After visitation with his father is your two year old more disruptive? Does he resent your other child, your present husband, etc? If you haven't been checking this out then I suggest you start. Also, don't let him know your doing it. Keep a record. There is always an underlying reason why a childs behavior goes off and often its from a third party influence, even at his age. If this is the case it may intail you taking your child to phycologist for several visits to get an evaluation that will hold up in court so as to at the very minimum get supervised visitation between the father and the two year old.
There is also other factors influencing your two year old. You just had another baby and are giving the baby some of the attention you once gave your two year old. You have to compensate for this. One of the biggest mistakes I've seen in parenting and primarily coming from the mother is what I call the "exchange factor." This is huge and very damaging to a mother child and new child relationship.
An example: The two year old wants to help mom so he grabs a rag to help her wipe off the table but he makes it worse. Because mom has another child and is more busy than before she takes the rag from him and cleans the table herself. Sometimes mom gets onto the two year old for making a bigger mess when all baby 2 yr old wanted to do was give something back or take something off of mom. He gets frustrated and irritated and feels useless to mom and new baby. Bad behavior ensues which turns into a vicious circle. Try an experiment. Give baby two year old something to do and praise him for it no matter how messy he makes it. See what happens! I believe you will be surprised. Ask baby to throw something in the trash. Let him carry a towel to the bath room, help fold laudry items. Let him go get you a baby bottle that you conveniently set low enough for him to reach. Maybe later let baby 2 year old feed baby for a minute or two every now and then and watch what happens. Warning though--once you have achieved this you still can't trust the baby alone around your little baby. You will find once your two year old really feels he is giving something back he may get over confident and offer the wrong solution to his crying baby. You will have to coach him on this but not get angry with him.
How do you feel when someone has done something nice for you? Do you feel you should do something back? Its only human nature to want to stay in exchange with another. At what age does this human nature thing occur? Age 1 1/2 years old. Try it, be patient, pre arrange it, appraise it,control it and benefit from it. I hope this has helped. Good luck.
Thank You for your support. I think I understand alot more now. With my son, everyone else took care of him the first year of his life, because I had become terribly sick after I gave birth to him. On top of that, I was with his father at the time, who was very abusive, so my son was always gone to different grandparents' houses'. I guess maybe I didn't know how to handle him on a level because he wasn't with me very much. Thank you for letting me know it is okay to have these feeings sometimes, and helping me know that I am NOT alone out there. :)
I know what you're going through. I have a 4 year old daughter and a 23 month old son. I feel more drawn towards my son. I love my daughter but when she hit the terrible twos, it was very difficult for me and her father. Her grandfather took care of her the first two years and basically spoiled her. So, she thought she could get away with the same things with us. It's gotten better but it's still tough at times. I think it's natural to have these feelings sometimes whether there is an abusive ex involved or not. However, it doesn't have to be that way. It will take time to change and I think the advice you got here is great.
Good luck!
Good luck!
What an awful thing to feel towards your child. I feel sad for him.
I think that Agiesmom gave you some really good advice, I hope you will try this with him. He needs love mommy, you are his rock, you are his mommy.
I think that Agiesmom gave you some really good advice, I hope you will try this with him. He needs love mommy, you are his rock, you are his mommy.
Moms set the mood and attitude of the home. You have to switch gears yourself and he will follow. Kids are very reactive and they often mirror what they see. Try to connect with him again--read to him, build Legos with him, leave the baby napping with your husband and take your toddler to the park or to Chuck E Cheeses (and play with him there, don't just sit and watch him), cuddle at night with him and tell him stories of when he was a baby. Interact with him.
Whenever I'm frustrated with behavior issues, I look to myself and change my actions and my son follows.
Whenever I'm frustrated with behavior issues, I look to myself and change my actions and my son follows.
You have two things going on...one you are just so in lonve with your new baby right now that the baby does not talk back, is totally dependent on you that you feel you must do everything for it. Secondly a two year old is trying in the best of times--they have most of their moments where they know they want something but have not figured out a way to either ask for it or get it so they throw trantrums and make you feel like giving up with them....but also if you feel any resentment towards the father you may be passing that along to your two year old and he may be acting out more just to get the attention that he craves....Even if you have the slightest doubt of feelings not quite right you may need to get yourself into counseling just to work out the feelings and make sure you do not pass any of your negative feelings onto your child...I think every parent goes through times of liking one child more than the other either they are just inthe cute stage or one does not give you the trouble of the other one--just remember to always show love and a strong commitment to your child--you need to be his guiding light to make sure he does not turn abusive toward any person down the road....
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