destructive behavior an not minding need some new ideas

[butterfly82]

my kids are sweet and charming but when no ones around they are violent twards eachother, destuctive and they do not mind at all. my husband posted his side on the second page of this forum but did not recieve a reply, they have torn up our blinds put holes in the walls and have ripped their closet rail half way off the wall.How do we stop this behavior in a 5,4,3 yr. old. Every time they are told to do some thing they stare at you like they have no clue what you said and could care less.

[butterfly82]

first I do not  leave my children alone at all they sneak.

[Athena_M]

These children are too young to be left alone, it's not safe.  I agree with the above.  Find some positive physical outlets for your kids.  

[specialmom]

Hi, good advice from above.  I wanted to second the idea that you are going to have to supervise.  You will just have to be around them most of the time-------  even though that is hard.  I know that other parents may not have to do that, but you have to.  I'm the mom of a now 6 and 4 year old and guess what, I'm supervising a lot too.  

With my boys we have some thoughts on natural consequences.  If they break something----------  they must help fix the situation.  If they break a toy-----  they watch it get thrown out.  If they break a siblings toy, they have to allow their sibling to take one of theirs.  We also seperate them.  They like to play together but as soon as I hear it going in a bad direction------  we say that you two can not play together for a while.  They hate that but we always follow through and one goes to one room and the other goes to another.  If they are fighting over something like a toy-------  it is gone from both for the day.  I'm always completely calm and it is just the way it is.

We do lots of praising and rewarding (with a spare coin or doing something fun) for good behavior.  Kids usually really respond to this and start seeking posative attention instead of negative.  Make your 5 year old the helper at times.  Give them all jobs to do for that matter but the 5 year old can be a "teacher" to his little brothers.  My older son loves this role.

I'm also a big fan in organizing things.  Look at the time you are with them and think about the day in chunks.  Do some crafty stuff for a bit.  Have your outside time.  then do stories, etc.  Kind of plan it out and keep them stimulated and busy so that they don't get out of hand.  If you have something you must do--------  think of some project type activities that they can do while you attend to that.  And  you need to turn those mama ears up . . . if you hear anything suspicious---------  get in the room pronto and seperate them.  

Time outs can work--------  but we also took beloved items away for a bit (not long at these ages).  I'd count backwards from 3 and if I get to 1 . . . the item goes into time out.  Then they earn it back.  I stay completely calm at all times and don't yell.  (okay . ..  I try, I'm human . . .)  Always follow through with rules and what you say----  so they know you mean it.  And I agree that if my kids act up when out-------  we leave.  I think with boys (and probably girls but I only have boys)-------- the more physical outlets you give them in terms of exercise, the better the behavior.  Wishing you luck on this adventure!!

[supermomma531]

Sandman has some great advice! I feel for you in this situation. I have three children myself and know how hard it can be to deal with these types of issues. Basically everything in your rules for these kids have to change. You have to become more strict. Don't give them more than two warnings before they get punished. This will eventually make them clue into "hey, mom and dad really do mean business!" This will take a while of being on them about all of their behaviors. Kids hate sitting out of what they want to do but if they have to do this often enough, they'll think about how to fix their situation to stay into the situation they want to stay in. So for example, if you're at the park and one of your kids hits another, pull them out of the situation and make them do the time out. After that, they need to come and talk about it and if they do it again, the consequence comes back again. Personally my kids know that if we're out somewhere and they mess up, they are immediately being put on time out and there's no if's, and's, or but's about it. I hope this helps you out.

[Sandman2]

Check out your husbands post.  Basically I think he overloaded us with too many kids and not enough info.  
I feel for you, you are outnumbered - so ya gotta outwit them.
  First thing is to buy the book, "SOS, help for parents," by Lynn Clark.  You need it immediately and probably later on.
  Second thing.  You said, "when no ones around they are violent twards eachother."   I hate to say it, but ya can't leave them alone - unless, you can find something that they can peacefully do together.  Videos will work for awhile to give you a break.  The Wi (or however it is spelled) gaming system should also help since they all can take turns bowling etc.
Next, you have to keep your ears open and when you hear an escalation of their play.  You put all of them in timeouts (in separate places) immediately. Then you try and talk with them (after the timeout) about how they might have done things differently.  This will not effect changes overnight.  It will take consistent repetition, but it should work.
  Finally, let them stare at you.  It doesn't matter what they want you to think (its amazing how fast they learn this).  You tell them to do it.  Give them a warning.  Maybe two (thats why the SOS book is so good to have). And then consequences.  hope this helps