4-year-old daughter has emotional/behavior problems

[aworriedmama]

Recently, my daughter has become increasingly defiant, mean, physically violent (rarely, but it happens), and excessively worried and upset about minor things.  She seems to fixate on things and "spirals" into increasingly negative moods.  Examples are: getting a flu shot or having hernia surgery.  She will worry herself sick even though we reassure her, talk her through it so she understands what will happen, and even try to take her mind off it.  She's very verbal and expresses her feelings well - almost too well.  She will go on and on about how aweful things are.  She can "turn on a dime" and be fine one minute and whiney/crying/angry/etc. the next.  This seems to be triggered by me or her father saying "no" or not giving in to her demands.  We are very attentive and explain our decisions briefly, coach her on expectations, encourage her and praise her when she does well.  She is a very bright, sweet, loving child but when these "moments" hit, they are impossible to manage.  She can just go on for so long and we can't calm her down no matter what we try.  We do not know where she learned to be violent or defiant or overly dramatic about things.  She tried to talk to us the way we talk to her - like the authority.  We expect her to listen to us and abide by our household rules, but we are not authoritarian.  She does not attend preschool, although she did for a few moths when she turned 3.  She has been with her maternal grandma every day while we work.  I do not work in the summer, so she has that time with me.  Transitions seem to be exceptionally difficult for her - going from summertime to fall when mama goes back to work, going from grandma to parents at the end of the day, going from an occasional sleep-over at grandparents' house to home, when daddy has to be out of town for work (2 weeks at a time about 3 times per year), etc.  Her father just left for 2 weeks.  She has a book about "filling your bucket" with positive things and then reflecting on it at the end of the day.  She has a beach pail that gets filled with hearts and stars when she does/says something good/nice.  At the end of the day she should be proud to have a full bucket.  Things get taken out for "bad" things.  If she's a "bucket dipper" and taking things from others' buckets for beign mean to them, she loses stars.  This backfired yesterday (the first day we started this)and she lost everything for a terrible tantrum last night.  She even threw half in the trash herself and accused me of being the bucket dipper.  She threatened to choke me and told me she wanted a new mommy, and on and on in typical 4-year-old manner.  All this, because I changed the channel on the tv.  We don't watch much tv, in fact, I only watch one show per week.  I explained I would be turning the channel after her show was over so I could watch mine and that I expected her to not throw a fit.  She did anyway and it was a doozy.  After she threatened me, I spanked her and explained why and that she needed to stop the tantrum.  It was quite awhile before she calmed down and apologized and told me she loved me.  I just don't know what to do to prevent this from happening again!  Two weeks ago when my husband left for another business trip, she got mad because a store didn't have a specific candy sample she was expecting and she cried and had a tantrum that turned into rage when I removed her from the store and refused to let her back in until she calmed down.  She hit, pinched and kicked me so we went home.  She never got to go back.  I coached her on how to handle this situation the next time, but she seems to automatically go into kicking/crying/"whoe-is-me" mode the second something doesn't go her way.  Often the answer is right there, she just didn't take the time to look harder or find what she needed or just let it go.  Please help!

[aworriedmama]

No history of bi-polar that I know of.  My mother (the grandma who nanny's for us) has suffered from depression for decades and was diagnosed as "mildly OCD".  She used to see a therapist and took antidepressants for awhile, but hasn't done either in several years.  She seems to do great with my daughter, but when I'm not there, who knows.  She claims my daughter behaves beautifully during the day and is just as confused and concerned about the change in behavior around us.

[jdtm]

Don't be upset by this question - but - is there any history of bi-polar disorder on either side of the family?  Sometimes the problems are more than just behaviour ....