Jealous 11 year old who stretches the truth

[bubula3300]

My 11 year old son has taken to grilling me and spying on me, wondering what I do and who I see when he is not at home. When he is with his father (my ex) for the weekend, I suffer an inquisition when he gets home. He tells me that I am lying when I tell him what I did--and didn't do-- over the weekend. He even took to sniffing my pillowcases!!! What can I do? He is 11 and I am 39!!

[babygirl6152]

wish I had the time to read all your mathematics = don't have the time

[SeriousSam]

You clearly do not know what taking a parent away as a reward or punishment does to a teen or preteen regardless of the sex of the parents.

YOU clearly have no idea of the dynamics of child development of adolescent in a broken home.  By using the other parent as areward or punishment instead of dealing directly with the father she is taking control out of her hands and putting it into the hands of the child after already admitting the child has been spoiled by her.

If she is doing this now I'm sure that the pattern has surfaced in the same manner in other ways through the years.  I'm sure this is cathertic as the feelings towards the father are concerned but this kid is about ready to go through a traumatic phase where he undergoes a similar role model search/imprinting similar to what toddlers go through for both male and female behaviors and the way she is doing this is going to acually cause more distrust and resentment towards women than acting on adult-adult dynamics.

If you had as much knowledge as you profess, and I admit since overall I generally have held most of the advise in somewhat low esteem I will probably review your post to see if you have posted anything on your family dynamics but..

that having been said when dealing with a child you have to be careful of th following.
a=adult c=child

in an a+c conversation you can either get a+a or c+c as the results essentially by doing what she is doing she has taken control out of her own hands and reduced herself to bargaining in a child vs child manner which means that the chances of this having a positive reaction have gone down to almost nil..  However she has managed to antagonise her ex, ensure negative reactions to women, and probably validate anything her ex had previously stated.

Sometimes babygirl just because someone say something you do not like to hear does not mean that they are just trying to be mean.  However I have to admit that some of your posts do make me wish that I would afford myself that luxury but I do not mess with people regarding statements regarding kids and have in fact helped women as well as men though I do know men are as a rule discriminated against.  This post was strictly a child development situation which if you had given some thought from a strictly logical level you would have understood.

Honestly if she wanted the child to respect women through this manner she might as well have just given him a stick because what she is doing he is going to learn is the proper way to treat women combined with whatever messed up things the dad was doing that you cryptically referred to.

Sometimes it is harder to be the adult but if what you inferred is accurate the relationship was A+a+C with the father being the child.

Then it went to being A+c+C

Then when it reached her she made it be C+C+C instead of either forcing it into either A+a+C or A+c+A.

Either way if she can afford trips to Europe she should have instead been investing in a child psychologist, or a therapist who specializes in maintaining gestalt relationships in fragmented families.

Babygirl please try to do more than just reacting.  Sometimes, please, think?

[margypops]

I read in your post that perhaps his Dad has a girl friend and he is wondering that if his Dad has a "friend  who "stays over', then your son is wondering if you have  a friend also,    and is checking it out hence the sniffing the pillow cases ,let him have a vent and ask you questions, tell him you will answer for 5 mins then thats it, switch off after the 5 mins is up,answer nothing else, distract him,ask him how his weekend went , dont feed into it.and it will pass.

[babygirl6152]

have you talked to this lady personally? Or do you have the few lines on here to go on?

I have- and there is much more to this story than you think/

YOU clearly have issues- I have read your posts SS and it is normal to bring with us into the forums our past experiences- that is why it helps to get views from all sides- but you tend to revel in your self pity more than anything- I wonder if you see clearly because of your own pain?

This woman is trying to raise a young man to respect women. I am sure she would prefer not to rear a pathetic self-centered whiner.
Please don't give her more aggravation than she already has-

[SeriousSam]

Visitation is not a reward or punishment.  Quite honestly I felt for you until you did that but if you use it like that I really hope the dad takes you back to court.

Your son is going to feel everything his dad said is validated because you did that,

[babygirl6152]

Stick with it- the ball is now in dad's court so to speak he can act like an idiot and have his fit if he wants- shouldn't bother you in the slightest- all you are saying here is

"You can help our son grow into being a good man respectful of women or you can move along and get out of my way/ I was doing a fine job til now" and i am sure you were

[bubula3300]

Yews, he clearly is being fed stories by his father. Since I have sole custody adn was givign visititation on my own accord, I opted to tell teh dad that eh could not see the boy until he stops talking about me. Now he is on a tear!!!

[Brooke050870]

Is there any way you can just sit down calmly and ask your son why he is behaving this way?  Could someone be stirring the pot and telling him things that make him jealous and suspicious?  It sounds like he is feeling threatened by something.

[bubula3300]

I have been perusing the oppositional defiant disorder symptoms, and...I strongly feel this is what we're dealing with. The issue is this: I drop both kids off each morning for school, pick them up each afternoon, I NEVER hire babysitters, I am ALWAYS around. I travel with him, have taken him for quality-time trips to Europe..He is, to be quite honest, very spoiled--more like entitled. I feel like I can no longer take his attitude, constant needling, constant complaining. I am doing the best i can, as a single mother. Having been raise din an upper middle class home, I can tell you that my son has a BETTER and MORE LOVING childhood than I had!!!! Help!!

[SeriousSam]

Sure listen to your heart as opposed to logic.

Why does your 11 year old say that he is doing this?

[babygirl6152]

What does your heart tell you to do?