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Out of control neice
My neice's behavior is beginning to cause a rift in the family. She will be 8 in January and yesteday's behavior at Thanksgiving was too much. She constantly needs to be the center of attention, she refused to eat dinner but afterwards, demands cookies or other snack foods. She is being raised by a single father but in actuallity it is my husband's mother who is doing most of the child rearing. She is signed up for every activity that comes around. My MIL is retired, but I do not think she originally planned to spend her retirement this way - running her everywhere. Back to yesterday - snacks were set out before dinner and of course she loaded up on that stuff - ate every pepperoni put out but 5 or so! She was given coke to drink - I specifically bought sprite so that if they wanted to give her that type of drink, she could have a non-caffienated drink - in addition to other drinks I had. At dinner time, she ate one bite of a roll and then threw a fit about having to eat anything else. The plate was removed and another aunt tried to speak with her about this but it went no where. About an hour later, she started begging and whining for a cookie - I told her I didn't think she was supposed to have anything since she didn't eat, and at first her grandma agreed - until she begged - after about the 3rd no, she was told she could have one - well this continued at least two other times and after she gets the last cookie, she shoves it in her mouth and says, snarkily, ha ha. She begged for other junk two more times and again, the same story, told no about 3 times, then finally yes and again, the ha ha. She also interrupts adult conversation. She is well behaved at school and the few times I have taken care of her alone, and I don't give in to her every whim, she is well behaved. Her father often just sits there saying nothing at all. It is now to the point that we do not want to spend time with the family because she will be there making trouble. I told my FIL last night that we'd love to spend more time with them, but not if the child has to come every time. My MIL did not say a word - I'm not positive she heard me say it but, based on things my husband has said to her in the past, if she did hear me, I'm sure she wouldn't like my comments. How do we get them to understand they are not doing her any favors allowing her to run the show and that they are keeping us from wanting to spend time with them and even the child??? We have a good relationship with them otherwise. Any suggestions on how to handle this without them getting totally ticked at us? I have children of my own so I really don't want to avoid family get togethers.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think RockRose's comments on the thanksgiving dinner are right on. I focused more on your statement that, "I have taken care of her alone, and I don't give in to her every whim, she is well behaved." There are definitely two sides to this child.
I think the thing to remember is that she is 7 going on 8. She's young. It also sounds like there is no one in the extended family even close to her age? I am willing to bet that if she had another child her age to play with, things would be very different. Ya, she is probably used to being the center of attention. But that's pretty normal given her situation. Bet your husband's mother rather enjoys talking to her then the other men in the house. Point being, instead of blaming her - work with her. She needs something to distract her. An 7 year old kid in the company of adults cannot be expected to behave like an adult. But, if she is well behaved in school and with you, it also means that if somebody takes the time to work with her - things can change. Christmas could be a challenge because thats a pretty hyper time for a kid. If there is any gift she can open early, that she would then play with for awhile - it would make life easier. And either she gets a decent snack before the adults (and snacks come out), or you except the fact that she will fill up on snacks and won't eat much at dinner and you let it go. But do but yourself in her place and try to look at it through the eyes of a 7 year old surrounded by adults.
I think the thing to remember is that she is 7 going on 8. She's young. It also sounds like there is no one in the extended family even close to her age? I am willing to bet that if she had another child her age to play with, things would be very different. Ya, she is probably used to being the center of attention. But that's pretty normal given her situation. Bet your husband's mother rather enjoys talking to her then the other men in the house. Point being, instead of blaming her - work with her. She needs something to distract her. An 7 year old kid in the company of adults cannot be expected to behave like an adult. But, if she is well behaved in school and with you, it also means that if somebody takes the time to work with her - things can change. Christmas could be a challenge because thats a pretty hyper time for a kid. If there is any gift she can open early, that she would then play with for awhile - it would make life easier. And either she gets a decent snack before the adults (and snacks come out), or you except the fact that she will fill up on snacks and won't eat much at dinner and you let it go. But do but yourself in her place and try to look at it through the eyes of a 7 year old surrounded by adults.
Hmm, Dawn. Interesting. In my experience, it's just so hard to tell how kids will turn out. As I continued to think about your post, I realized I knew two girls - the niece I mentioned earlier, and a best friend's daughter. The second instance - the best friend's daughter - would sing at the top of her voice in the room so adults couldn't communicate. Or she would do cartwheels into furniture, require the adults to leap up and protect her.
Both girls - my niece and my friend's daughter - have turned into exceptionally talented and adorable college students.
It will be interesting to see how your niece turns out.
Best wishes - it sounds like you are looking out for her.
Both girls - my niece and my friend's daughter - have turned into exceptionally talented and adorable college students.
It will be interesting to see how your niece turns out.
Best wishes - it sounds like you are looking out for her.
No, this isn't jealousy of how my children are treated - my children are much older so that isn't the issue. I realize using Thanksgiving as an example was a bit off - due to the way meal time was - more so the straw the broke the camels back, but her behavior of being the center of attention is is at any time there is any sort of family get together. We stopped over to visit my in-laws last Sunday and her behavior was the same - constant look/listen to me. And I know, she was probably happy to see us and wanted to show off a bit. I think I just don't understand why the lack of discipline and over-abundance of giving in to her every desire. There are plenty of children raised by one parent who do not behave like this. Besides, she actually spends most of her time with the grandparents so she actually has 3 adults looking after her. Your comments were eye-opening- and I see the points you made as valid based on the info I gave. We just did not find yesterday to be enjoyable and I don't think my MIL is doing her any favors in the long run treating her that way and a father who does absolutely nothing. And in answer to your first question about my husband, he is more adamant about not seeing his family than I am. I would never force her to choose, I'm not trying to win at anything. Again, thanks for your comments, it helps to hear from someone looking in on the situation. I'm sure Christmas will be a similar situation and will keep what you said in mind regarding meal-time.
I sat here for moment and realized I may have been too harsh. Your post REALLY brought out the rancor in me based on my husband's family.
Everyone in his extended family is married, intact families, with kids, except this one brother with two kids. The girl, the youngest, is especially bright and sensitive, and she acted much like your niece during her childhood. It was so sad to watch. She didn't have a mommy, and everyone else did. Everyone else had a mommy who would make sure they had something cute and special to wear for any occasion, make sure their lunch sandwich was just the way they liked it, would look out for them if they were struggling with something, would make sure they got lots of special attention. Not these other two kids. Dad would sit on the couch with the adults, watching football or drinking beer or whatever, with the adults, the mothers would be scurrying around in the kitchen helping prepare the meals and taking care of the kids, and there were always these two basically feral kids. At one point I thought in my head, that girl is SO NEEDY, but then I realized no she isn't, she just doesn't have anyone to attend her needs the way all the other kids have. She's forced to go from adult to adult trying to get attention and get her needs met. And she had a fair amount of screaming melt downs for attention, and also became an excessively picky eater for attention. It was just so sad to watch, I felt like knocking my brother in law off the couch all the time. He just would sit there, like a spectator, an outsider, while all this was happening.
Does that sound like what's going on here in your family?
Everyone in his extended family is married, intact families, with kids, except this one brother with two kids. The girl, the youngest, is especially bright and sensitive, and she acted much like your niece during her childhood. It was so sad to watch. She didn't have a mommy, and everyone else did. Everyone else had a mommy who would make sure they had something cute and special to wear for any occasion, make sure their lunch sandwich was just the way they liked it, would look out for them if they were struggling with something, would make sure they got lots of special attention. Not these other two kids. Dad would sit on the couch with the adults, watching football or drinking beer or whatever, with the adults, the mothers would be scurrying around in the kitchen helping prepare the meals and taking care of the kids, and there were always these two basically feral kids. At one point I thought in my head, that girl is SO NEEDY, but then I realized no she isn't, she just doesn't have anyone to attend her needs the way all the other kids have. She's forced to go from adult to adult trying to get attention and get her needs met. And she had a fair amount of screaming melt downs for attention, and also became an excessively picky eater for attention. It was just so sad to watch, I felt like knocking my brother in law off the couch all the time. He just would sit there, like a spectator, an outsider, while all this was happening.
Does that sound like what's going on here in your family?
Does your husband also not want to see his family because of this child?
I'm kind of finding your post a little unusual. This is a child being raised by a single dad. Right there, she's behind in the attention/parenting department. (And I don't mean she's behind in the department of people who will tell her no).
At Thanksgiving, she ate way too much snack that was offered before dinner (probably because she was hungry) and so of course she wasn't hungry at dinner. She was full. Then, she was hungry again later. At that point I think it would have been good to offer her dessert - she DID eat peperoni and whatever else was prepared and offered before dinner, and it's pretty typical on Thanksgiving that family goes back into the kitchen later to put out cookies or pie, something sweet.
Since she's well-behaved in school, I think she's probably a pretty average kid who when it comes to extended family is in an odd dynamic of having way too many people trying to supervise her and not enough welcoming love.
I also think if you force your MIL to choose between a daughter in law or her granddaughter who comes from a broken home, you probably won't win.
This also sounds like a bit of rivalry, to me - is there a jealousy thing going on in your family with how Grandma treats this girl vs. your children?
I'm kind of finding your post a little unusual. This is a child being raised by a single dad. Right there, she's behind in the attention/parenting department. (And I don't mean she's behind in the department of people who will tell her no).
At Thanksgiving, she ate way too much snack that was offered before dinner (probably because she was hungry) and so of course she wasn't hungry at dinner. She was full. Then, she was hungry again later. At that point I think it would have been good to offer her dessert - she DID eat peperoni and whatever else was prepared and offered before dinner, and it's pretty typical on Thanksgiving that family goes back into the kitchen later to put out cookies or pie, something sweet.
Since she's well-behaved in school, I think she's probably a pretty average kid who when it comes to extended family is in an odd dynamic of having way too many people trying to supervise her and not enough welcoming love.
I also think if you force your MIL to choose between a daughter in law or her granddaughter who comes from a broken home, you probably won't win.
This also sounds like a bit of rivalry, to me - is there a jealousy thing going on in your family with how Grandma treats this girl vs. your children?
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