Potty Training a 3 yr old

[Hartwood]

I recently moved in with a roommate who has a 3 yr old son.  I see her struggling with many aspects of raising her first child.  One issue that seems to stick out in my mind is his potty training.  It's not happening. Period.  He is in pull-ups.  There is a small potty sitting in the spare bathroom, collecting dust.  I have been living with her for a month now.  I stay at home all day with her while our husbands work and I have never once heard her ask him if he needed to use the potty.  I have even begun to catch onto his bm pattern.  I noticed twice when he was "straining"/red faced, suggested that he might be pooping, she didn't do anything, and a couple min. later he came up to her and said he had pooped.  In the morning, after breakfast, she asks, "Have you pooped yet?" instead of "Do you need to go potty?"  She says that everyone has told her that "he will know when he is ready."  But how can he know if she isn't building the knowledge for it.
I have never had to potty train a child, no kids for me just yet, so I don't feel like it is my place to say anything.  But I want to be able to help.  I almost feel like she is hendering the process b/c of what she is doing.  Please tell me some techniques I could suggest to her without stepping on her toes.  

[margypops]

Anything to help children interests me , please do keep me posted .

[Hartwood]

I do walk on egg shells just a bit, b/c originally this was just her house. It's our husbands who were friends first.  I actually only met her shortly before moving in.  It's a really weird situation.  I have spent the last week visiting family so have not seen her or been able to apply any of these new ideas.  I leave to go back today, so we will see shortly if I can have a positive affect on the situation.  If you are still interested I will try to keep you posted.

[margypops]

As you are sharing a place with her I assume she is a friend , so do you have to walk on egg shells ,could you not have a friendly chat and tell her you know it isnt easy to bring up a child alone and can you help her, if you dont or she is difficult you may find it hard to stay with her ,as if she wont take any help you will have to live with this harrowing behavior, if she cant see it she wont change. Sorry to say.

[Hartwood]

Thanks again!  I will try to add more praise when enteracting with him.
And while I'm picking your brain let me ask for another piece of advice.  The other day I heard her get upset b/c he wasn't listening to her.  Part of her yelling included statements like "You listen to everyone else but your mother." and "You need to stop listening to other people and listen to what I say."  I was just sitting in my room during this but I felt like it was a subtle message from her saying "quit trying to raise my child."  How can I go about interacting with him and praising him without overstepping boundaries?

[margypops]

Sounds as if she could use some parenting skills, good thing her boy has you around to help her get some, all you say is right its a pity she has to yell at him and its always the threats that are useless and not followed through.She will have to get rid of pullups and diapers or he wont go to school and it will be more difficult as he gets older.You have a battle but I think its great you are willing to care and help this little boy  .make sure he gets a lot of positive attention, I have found in many instances in my life that if the parents see others praising their  children (and it also works with animals, that they begin to see their Child or Dog in a differant light, kind of Wow he must be special if other folks think he is.I was walking down the road one day I saw a Mom yelll and go to smack her child, as I drew near them, I said' what a dear little girl such beautiful shiny hair and so pretty', she immediatly looked pleased and I saw when I had moved on that she bent to kiss the child instead of yell.good luck

[Hartwood]

Thanks!  I will try to work that into conversation.  She is very set in her ways though.  I worry that SHE won't want to give up the pull ups b/c they make things easier for her.  I also worry that she won't be able to not yell.  I've noticed that any time he makes a mistake, big or small, her solution is to yell, and threaten to take big things away that she never actually takes away ("you won't go trick-or-treating or you won't go to your party if you don't stop that").  I've tried having casual nonaccusatory conversation about disipline.  And how you have to be consistant and never say anything that you won't follow through with (I worked at a daycare and I have a teaching certificate).  I tried suggesting that she take other smaller things away from him or give small rewards for good behavior. She just doesn't seem to apply what we talk about.
I will find out if he has any underwear and suggest the super hero story.  Thanks Again!

[margypops]

The pullups have to go that is the first thing she needs to do, it is enabling him to do it in them,as she doesnt seem to bother at all I am surprised the preschool has not asked her as they usually want the chidren dry or nearly dry so there is your opening, if he not at pre school you could bring up the time he will be going to school, really the next step in to be consistant, and not ask if he wants to go, she leads him to the Potty ,in the Bathroom, and sits him on, before this time ,she will have bought him some wonderful big boy underwear with superhero pictures on them and explained to him that all Superheroes go potty not but  in their pants, (at least we hope they all do)Your friend has to do this regularly, she will have accidents but thats okay, no words ,she cleans it up.As he is 3 and not had any potty training he may resist a bit but gentle talk and consistancy will win the day.