Preschooler and Social Issues?

[jayhaq]

So, I think I totally screwed up -

My son started pre-k earlier this month. He's had 10 full days (8:20-2:20) and 2 half days. The half days went okay. The first few days after that went okay too, but now it's turning into a total nightmare.

He's a great a kid at home - don't get me wrong, he's no saint, but he's not nearly as difficult as he is in school. The teacher has pulled my wife aside three times to discuss hitting - which he does, she says, when he's frustrated. He also breaks down, starts crying and yelling (disrupting the class), when he doesn't get his way. He ran out of the class room once. For a birthday party he got a cupcake with vanilla frosting, he wanted chocolate. He dropped the cupcake and stepped on it. The past couple of times he's been really unhappy about going to school, saying things like "I don't like school", "look at them, look at them" (referring to the other kids), "none of the kids like me", "they keep laughing at me" (when I ask about what, he says "she said I have no milk at home").

It pains me to hear this and watch him go through this.

The teacher said he's really bright and some times gets upset because the other kids don't understand him. He is way ahead in terms of pre-k academics (he reads ok, can count pretty high, does some basic math, and seems generally interested in things that other little kids probably don't care about). She says to keep talking to him, primarily about the hitting, which to her is the biggest issue - everything else, she said she can deal with. She said she's seen kids like this before in her 25 years.... very smart and have difficulty connecting with kids their age.

The other thing is he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. I feel guilty because I probably fostered this... if he disagreed with me I didn't put him in place, I led him to the right answer. This is fine one-on-one I guess, but in a large class room, disagreeing with the teacher about how it should be done isn't helpful.

He also doesn't listen to good. I saw this a while back during toddler violin lessons and soccer.... the instructor would talk and his mind was elsewhere. They would call his name three, four times before he listened.

My wife and I don't have any friends or family that have kids the same age. I feel so incredibly guilty for not understanding the gravity of this sooner and not giving him more time in social situations with children his own age.

I'm at a total loss as to what to do. We're speaking to him constantly about not hitting - I'm sure he's getting sick of hearing it. We purchased a bunch of books about feelings that teach to deal with feeling other ways. But, I know that in the house with his family is very different that in class with a bunch of kids. We do timeouts when he doesn't listen - we do give him a chance to voice his opinion - trying to respect his individuality and feelings. We've taken away all his toys - but he's not tied to them. He finds other things to do - reads, looks through books, imagines some story, etc.

I'm praying that the "no hitting" sinks in, that he finds a way to control his emotions in class, and that I find a way to help him.

I'm look through my options for speaking with a child behavior specialist.

Any suggestions?

[supermomma531]

You need to starting teaching him how to voice his feelings when something doesn't go his way, such as "I don't like what you just did, it make me feel upset or angry or hurt" etc. Also teaching him that he can't get his own way all the time is a very valuable lesson in life. So when he is in a situation with you or his mother and he is argumentative about something and you don't agree, you need to put him in his place, if you don't start now, then he won't learn for a long time, then that time may be too late. Also too, if you started to take him to other places such as the park or a playgroup or make play dates with some of his friends from school then this would help him learn the art of socialization. Going to a behavioral specialist may be a good idea but I would save that for last and try to work on this stuff at home, once he sees you correcting his behavior and not allowing him to get his own way, then he will start to come around. It will take a while though. Be prepared for a long haul. He will mimic your behavior if you are his best role model and we as parents can shape or mold them into what we want if we raise them the right way. You sound like a awesome set of parents! I hope that you can overcome these little problems before they grow out of control. Always call him on his every mistake that he should know better on and make him realize his mistake. Get down to his level and make him look at you while speaking to him or he may not be listening to you. Keeping his eye contact is very important. Make him talk with you when you are having a conversation and make him repeat back everything you tell him, This way you know that he is listening and understanding.  Keep up with the time outs for when they're needed. Keep up with asking him about his opinions and such. The other poster has given some great advice as well. Good luck.

[venustiana]

These behaviors are pretty normal for a child that has never been around kids much. And it takes time for him to adjust. Also, when I child is ahead of his class, is very inteligent, knows more than the others, usually, he doesn't  fit in, and lacks of social skills. I think you are doing right by talking to him about hitting and about feelings. Another thing is ask the teacher when does these problems happen. Is it all day, before or after lunch. It could be that he is tired or hungry. When you say that he doesn't listen, have you noticed if he is looking at you or concentrated on something else. If you want to know if he is doing it on purpose or not say something that should get his attention for ex I'm going to get ice cream, or cookies, I want to go to the park or I see a puppy out on the street and see his reaction.