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Problem step-son
My husband's 9-year-old son has severe behavioral problems. The child resides with his mother who has slept with him since infancy and babies him to death - she does not like to tell him "no" because he whines and cries incessantly. Instead of helping him with his homework, she does it for him. This results in less whining which makes her life a lot easier.
When he cried as a baby, she shoved a pacifier in his mouth. This went on until the age of 6. Family members repeatedly told her not to do that and tried to take it away from him, but she just wouldn't stop. Now the boy has speech problems in addition to various emotional and detachment issues.
When the child first started staying with us, he wouldn't sleep alone without a huge fight. He left lights on all over the house and would call his mother at 1:00 am because he was "afraid". This went on for months and months. My husband is definitely the tough love parent but unfortunately, the boy spends more time with mom who undoes all the good my husband has done for his son.
After 1 - 1/2 years of staying with us, he still acts up constantly and fights at bed time. He cannot sit still - when we're watching a movie, he is usually climbing all over the furniture (and us) and complaining that there is "nothing to do". When we're at the dinner table, he constantly kicks my chair - his feet are in constant motion. He whines when he doesn't get his way and then if he does, he always finds something else to whine about. It's almost like he just comes here to cause trouble.
I am at my wits end with this kid. I have been nice - I have tried pep talks. In spite of everything good we have tried to do, he disobeys and acts out constantly. We only have him every other weekend but I am at the point where when he comes, I disappear to my bedroom because I cannot take him for very long and I do not want to spend the weekend yelling at him. My husband knows his son has been damaged but I don't think he realizes how much I cannot stand him. Sometimes I really feel like I hate the kid and as awful as that sounds, I don't know how to reconcile my feelings.
I also resent the boy's mother for being so selfish. My husband gave up on her a long time ago because no matter what he would say or point out to her, she refused to stop the babying and co-sleeping - she doesn't see herself as the problem. Every time the bad report cards would come, she would tell my husband, "You need to deal with this". It's like she created the monster but will not accept any of the responsibility.
Also relevant is the fact that the boy's mother was sexually abused by a cousin when she was young. Her family has always swept things under the rug - they seem to be of the opinion that if you ignore things, they will just go away. I don't think she is sexually abusing her son, but I believe she is damaging him emotionally as he once admitted to me that he NEEDS to sleep with his mother because she is alone. She has burdened him with this responsibility.
I'm sure he needs counseling, but his mother refuses. My husband cannot get her to do anything in this regard. My issue is that I have grown to despise this child in spite of the fact that it's not his fault. I need advice as to how I can learn to deal with him and not want to retreat to my room all the time.
When he cried as a baby, she shoved a pacifier in his mouth. This went on until the age of 6. Family members repeatedly told her not to do that and tried to take it away from him, but she just wouldn't stop. Now the boy has speech problems in addition to various emotional and detachment issues.
When the child first started staying with us, he wouldn't sleep alone without a huge fight. He left lights on all over the house and would call his mother at 1:00 am because he was "afraid". This went on for months and months. My husband is definitely the tough love parent but unfortunately, the boy spends more time with mom who undoes all the good my husband has done for his son.
After 1 - 1/2 years of staying with us, he still acts up constantly and fights at bed time. He cannot sit still - when we're watching a movie, he is usually climbing all over the furniture (and us) and complaining that there is "nothing to do". When we're at the dinner table, he constantly kicks my chair - his feet are in constant motion. He whines when he doesn't get his way and then if he does, he always finds something else to whine about. It's almost like he just comes here to cause trouble.
I am at my wits end with this kid. I have been nice - I have tried pep talks. In spite of everything good we have tried to do, he disobeys and acts out constantly. We only have him every other weekend but I am at the point where when he comes, I disappear to my bedroom because I cannot take him for very long and I do not want to spend the weekend yelling at him. My husband knows his son has been damaged but I don't think he realizes how much I cannot stand him. Sometimes I really feel like I hate the kid and as awful as that sounds, I don't know how to reconcile my feelings.
I also resent the boy's mother for being so selfish. My husband gave up on her a long time ago because no matter what he would say or point out to her, she refused to stop the babying and co-sleeping - she doesn't see herself as the problem. Every time the bad report cards would come, she would tell my husband, "You need to deal with this". It's like she created the monster but will not accept any of the responsibility.
Also relevant is the fact that the boy's mother was sexually abused by a cousin when she was young. Her family has always swept things under the rug - they seem to be of the opinion that if you ignore things, they will just go away. I don't think she is sexually abusing her son, but I believe she is damaging him emotionally as he once admitted to me that he NEEDS to sleep with his mother because she is alone. She has burdened him with this responsibility.
I'm sure he needs counseling, but his mother refuses. My husband cannot get her to do anything in this regard. My issue is that I have grown to despise this child in spite of the fact that it's not his fault. I need advice as to how I can learn to deal with him and not want to retreat to my room all the time.
What I think is so very odd is that you seem to be an absolute expert on his life before you were even in the picture. You seem to know every detail as to what his mother does now. And I'm wondering if you had this information prior to getting engaged and married to this boy's father? You see where I am going. YOU signed on to marry a man with a child who was probably difficult while you were dating.
And I find your lack of empathy for this child a bit unsettling. He is a boy. He may have something like sensory integration disorder in which the nervous system tells him to move. My son has sensory and he will fidget and bounce around.
I guess you just don't like this kid and since he and dad are a packaged deal, perhaps you seek marriage counseling or calling the whole thing off. Vilifying mom helps no one. Changing our own attitude often has the biggest benefit rather than waiting for someone else to change.
Wish you luck-------- sorry if this seemed harsh. But it would have been nice if you decided you didn't like his kid and the situation before you agreed to marry him.
And I find your lack of empathy for this child a bit unsettling. He is a boy. He may have something like sensory integration disorder in which the nervous system tells him to move. My son has sensory and he will fidget and bounce around.
I guess you just don't like this kid and since he and dad are a packaged deal, perhaps you seek marriage counseling or calling the whole thing off. Vilifying mom helps no one. Changing our own attitude often has the biggest benefit rather than waiting for someone else to change.
Wish you luck-------- sorry if this seemed harsh. But it would have been nice if you decided you didn't like his kid and the situation before you agreed to marry him.
2 Comments
So it's 8 years later. What happened? I am going through something similar.
I agree, it would be nice to know what happened. Hopefully, the schools had him evaluated for adhd and he not only got the treatment he needed, but his parents learned how to work with a child with special needs.
You advised a woman who can't stand her step-son to try to get full custody of the kid if the mother doesn't get him help. To me, this does not seem a good choice for the child or for the couple's marriage. If the kid is in fact ADHD, it is very challenging for any parent, especially a single parent (the mother that raised him and is being saddled with the weight of the behavior). Sometimes it also takes countless evaluations and the doctors may still not get a correct diagnosis. If this step mom has already given up, sounds like she should really go out for that little bit of time the father spends with the boy. This boy seems to need to reconnect with people that love/care about him (i.e, his father). The marriage will be fine if you are gone when the child visits. Women need to have girl nights out anyways.
I can understand why you feel this way, you're either part of it or you're not, and you have been made to feel you're not. I would think your husband would be in more of a protective mode than worrying about making waves with his ex regarding their son. You're correct, she cannot prevent him from seeing his son for merely showing concern for his well being. But your husband should be willing to fight for his son to have a healthier life, maybe he doesn't want it bad enough to fight for it? It may be best that you do stay out of it, it appears you're in a no win situation. The school may be trying to work with the mother on the behavior and she isn't sharing this with your husband. Your husband has to want to make things better for his son, you can't make him, so no reason to make yourself crazy over this. Does your husband attend parent-teacher meetings and things like this? He does need to get more involved with the school, even if there were no problems, he would need and should want to be a part of this. Maybe just backing off is all you can do for now, make life easier on yourself. But it's sad that your husband is refusing to see what is happening here and isn't addressing this. It's a difficult situation for you and I do wish you all the best. Take care.
My husband has given up on his ex-wife because everything he says falls on deaf ears. She has lived her life in denial and that will never change. I suggested he go directly to the school but he hasn't wanted to make waves for fear she will prevent him from seeing his son. I disagree with that, but I have very little say where this boy is concerned. His report cards have all pointed out a number of behavioral problems - you would think the school would intervene.
While I am told I can discipline him if he gets out of hand, I often feel like my husband thinks I'm overreacting when I do say something. As a result, I have shut down. There is also a bit of "guilty parent syndrome" going on here - since he only has the boy every other weekend, he doesn't want to crack down too hard. He does discipline his son, it just seems that a lot of the things that irritate me are never addressed.
Personally, I feel that I have been put in a position where the child will not take me seriously. That is why I'm at a point where I feel like I resent this boy. I know it's unhealthy and that's what troubles me. It's to the point where I dread the weekends he is coming.
While I am told I can discipline him if he gets out of hand, I often feel like my husband thinks I'm overreacting when I do say something. As a result, I have shut down. There is also a bit of "guilty parent syndrome" going on here - since he only has the boy every other weekend, he doesn't want to crack down too hard. He does discipline his son, it just seems that a lot of the things that irritate me are never addressed.
Personally, I feel that I have been put in a position where the child will not take me seriously. That is why I'm at a point where I feel like I resent this boy. I know it's unhealthy and that's what troubles me. It's to the point where I dread the weekends he is coming.
I don't think you going away on the weekends when you have him is the answer, and it could cause a problem between you and your husband. I think it's time your husband insist that the mother either get help, or he is going to go after full custody of the boy. You are correct, you do not have him enough to turn this around, but I think if you did, you could. This child needs to be evalauted as well, and it be determined if her actions are causing him emotional harm. You and your husband are now a team and you have to discuss this and what is to be done so that you both can enjoy this boy. I'm surprised he's been left with this mother due to all the things that have been going on. Talk to your husband and get the boy evaluated, to see what his problems are, what caused them and what needs to be done. It's not fair to blame the boy, he is innocent in this. But only your husband and you can offer him help and a brighter future, and it's your obligation to do this. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to think about, but I truly think you could turn him around. The two of you is the only hope he has, or he will grow up and be a miserable adult with deep issues. I wish you all the best!
I have thought of finding somewhere to go, but I have animals in the house that I'm very protective of and I just don't want them left alone with him.
I don't mean to sound selfish, but I just can't handle the kid. We have tried and tried and tried - my husband has so little time with him that it's hard to make an impact. I do blame his mother because she perpetuates the situation instead of dealing with it. She has always put her needs first - if he's an inconvenience, than she appeases him to get him to shut up and leave her alone. That said, he has grown to expect that whining and crying will always get you what you want because 99% of that time, it works for him.
Instead of using him to fulfill her emotional needs, she should be telling him he's a big boy and he can sleep alone in his own bed - in his own room. She should be teaching him that monsters aren't real instead of telling him how she is also afraid of monsters. His mother has deep-rooted daddy issues of her own and they are being unfairly inflicted upon this boy. She has also told him many lies about his father and why they aren't together any more. Some day I'm sure he'll learn the truth but for now, mommy knows best...
I don't mean to sound selfish, but I just can't handle the kid. We have tried and tried and tried - my husband has so little time with him that it's hard to make an impact. I do blame his mother because she perpetuates the situation instead of dealing with it. She has always put her needs first - if he's an inconvenience, than she appeases him to get him to shut up and leave her alone. That said, he has grown to expect that whining and crying will always get you what you want because 99% of that time, it works for him.
Instead of using him to fulfill her emotional needs, she should be telling him he's a big boy and he can sleep alone in his own bed - in his own room. She should be teaching him that monsters aren't real instead of telling him how she is also afraid of monsters. His mother has deep-rooted daddy issues of her own and they are being unfairly inflicted upon this boy. She has also told him many lies about his father and why they aren't together any more. Some day I'm sure he'll learn the truth but for now, mommy knows best...
wlc, what do you make of the fact that he's been with you and your husband every other weekend for a year and a half, and he's not gotten any better?
What I make of it is kids come with personalities all their own and it's not always correct to blame a parent for how a child behaves. If it were just parenting skill, this boy would be behaving at your house by now. He's not. Reading what you are writing, it seems bedtime is NO better, nothing's any better.
Why don't you find some place to go every other weekend? Visit your parents one weekend, a friend another, etc.
What I make of it is kids come with personalities all their own and it's not always correct to blame a parent for how a child behaves. If it were just parenting skill, this boy would be behaving at your house by now. He's not. Reading what you are writing, it seems bedtime is NO better, nothing's any better.
Why don't you find some place to go every other weekend? Visit your parents one weekend, a friend another, etc.
It does sound like he's very spoiled by his mother, I wouldn't say damaged, just a spoiled brat. Also I would have him get tested for ADD/ADHD that could be why he doesn't sit still. As for what u do, start punishing him. U married his father, u may not be the blood parent, but u are now his parent whether u or him like it or not. Step parents often feel like they can't do anything. If he is in ur house acting the way he does, u have the power to put punishment into play. No saying spanking, but grounding and taking away tv, video games, toys, fun trips to places etc. U and ur husband need to talk and get on the same page as to handle his behaviour. Good luck. Hope I could help.
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