Protecting my child

[tamajr]

My son was bitten today by another child at preschool.  Both boys are 5 1/2,  The other child has hit my son and other kids in the past and the teachers have told us he has behavior problems.  Today's incident involved this child biting my son through his pants and underpants hard enough to leave welts and teeth marks on his penis and scrotum. I will take my son to our pediatrician in the morning.  I have emailed the school administrator to ask how this issue will be handled and how my son and other children will be protected from any future incidents with this child.   I want this child removed from the school but am unsure how to go about it.  Advice?

[trinity007]

Thx.  Yes, it was very difficult.  He entered Pre-K a few months after his diagnosis just as he turned four. The hope was that the sooner that he could be entered into a specialized program, the better his chances would be for behavior modification.  I had secured services for him outside of school. But it was the lack of willingness of the school district to send him out of district that created the most problems.  All intervention and therapy that he received outside of school were voided once he was exposed to mainstream classrooms.  He has ADD, occupational defiance, cognitive delay, speech delay...just to name a few.  It was impossible for him to communicate his needs and for his aggression to be controlled.

My state also has home-schooling, however I could not home school him alone.  His
behavior was more exaggerated at home. He has had two trips out of state to behavior modification programs that were especially designed for him. I have also been trained according to the programs protocols.  Yes, it was very difficult. Fortunately, the last 2 1/2 years have been filled with tons of milestones for him.  Seeing him happy and thriving is worth the struggle.

In this day and age, it already difficult raising children. But, when they need a little extra care or a great deal of extra care, it really tests you.  I salute you and all parents that are caring for children with special needs.

[specialmom]

Yes, I think your situation is unique.  You do not offend me as you asked that question.  I was only trying to help a mother of a preschooler understand the other side of parenting a child with challenges.  

I am so surprised that they by law were forcing you to enroll a 3 year old in the pubic school system.  We are allowed to home school even primary school age children through high school in the US which is often an option families choose.  Our city also has two schools within the public structure that are geared towards kids with the challenges you mention and I'm glad that you found one that has been a good match for your nephew.  Sounds like you went through some difficult times but it is working out in the end.  

The confidentiality laws that schools must enforce prohibit their facilitating parent to parent interaction.  That is what it is as it can be a positive or a negative.

I agree that a parent is a child's best advocate.  Whether they have a disability or not, that is always the case.  

[trinity007]

Hi,  

I hope that my post did not offend you.  I have been on both sides of the table on this issue and, unfortunately, its extremely difficult for all parties involved.  My nephew came to live with me when he was 3 yrs old.  Sadly, he was not the same little guy that I had bonded with the 1st two years of his life.  Soon there after he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Most notable, was his violent behavior.  I took the necessary steps to have him properly placed in the the school district.  However, the district was determined to enroll him in mainstream classrooms where he was violent and disruptive.  He was transferred to 4 diff schools in 6mos.  I was concerned for his safety and others.  He also displayed the same behavior while on the school bus.  I was met everyday with complaints and begged everyone involved to file incident reports. But, they refused.  

It was heartbreaking to see him suffering and to see others being harmed.  I did everything I could to get him effective treatment.  I was in an awkward position: 1) Law req'd that he attend school, so I could not keep him home, I had to wait for him to be expelled...2) Students and teachers were harmed each day as a result of him attending school.  I begged the district to properly place him.  

It was not until, I was named in a law suit along with the school district for the injuries to other children that he was to be properly placed.  I had requested meetings with other parents, via the district, but was denied.  Once, it became a legal issue, these same parents finally were able to see both sides and directed their efforts towards the districts handling of the situation.  Today, he attends an out of district school for children with ASD and aggressive behavior.  He is making strides across the board and is a happy pre-teen.  

On the other hand, I also have a teenage daughter, that was recently involved in several incidents with a student with developmental disorders that had been mainstreamed.  I opened a dialogue the administration at the HS via e-mail, phone, and meetings.  I also requested the opportunity to speak with the child's parents.  Not only did they balk at the idea, they also denied ever being in contact with me.  The e-mails came in handy. Like my nephew, this student was classified and was given favor instead of insuring the well-being of all students.  I was very disappointed when the student's parents revealed that they were not informed of any of the incidence involving their child, which included my child and others.  The district failed miserably.

Not everyone understands how difficult it is for the developmentally disabled. There is an extremely thin line between maintaining their rights and misinterpretation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Especially, within the school system.  I know that my families situation may be unique and an extreme of both sides of the issues.  I strongly believe that a loving fair parent is the most powerful advocate that any child can have.

[specialmom]

Let me say that I read this with a heavy heart. My son was never violent towards other kids but he has a developmental delay in which many kids like him could act out physically.  

It is a difficult situation for a preschool when they have a child enrolled with challenges.  They have a duty to protect the other children while at the same time may want to help the child overcome his issues.  When the delay or disorder is mild and the child has more good days than bad, some schools will work with the family.  I am forever grateful to my son's preschool for treating us with compassion and kindness.  My son as I said was not violent but had other disruptive issues that we were working on.  

This doesn't make you feel any better when you are worried for the safety of your son.  For that I do not blame you as protecting our children is our number one priority.  I just thought I'd tell you what it is like to be the mother of a child with challenges.  You walk on egg shells.  You feel like the world is judging you and your child.   You love your kid dearly and wish that others would see how great he is.  You have something close to a broken heart every time your child does something that you get a call from school about.  It is painful in a way that is hard to describe.  

I would actually set up a meeting with the preschool director.  I think it is absolutely your right to ask how your son will be protected while in their care.  I don't know if this preschool is a good fit for this other boy.  It doesn't sound like it.  He would probably be better off in the "early intervention" preschool program run by the local public school (in the US).  By law they must provide preschool to a child that is evaluated and meets the qualifications to be there.  Is it summer where you are?  Is this daycare as well?  

Things that can help if they do not dismiss the boy-----------  the preschool director could spend more time in the room with the kids to help and observe, they could keep unstructured time for the child with challenges to a minimum as this is probably when this type of thing occurs, they could assign a buddy to him, they could implement some of the strategies into the classroom to help calm the nervous system.

I would say that it would hurt my heart to think of other parents getting together and talking about my child.  I'd keep it at the preschool level and address your concerns with them.  While this boy clearly has done wrong and has a problem, he is a child.  It sounds like fitting into the world will be difficult enough as it is without group discussions about it.

I wish you luck.  You do have to make sure your child is safe.  (and a ps---------  as a parent that loves her kid, I have done everything possible to make my son function well in a setting with peers.  He is now 6 and going into 1st grade.  He's doing awesome and I couldn't be more proud of him.  He has friends and blending in just fine. )

[trinity007]

Hi Tamajr,

I think you are headed in the right direction.  Sending an e-mail is your best course of action.  Reason being is that I also had a similar situation and the administrator denied knowledge of the situation and I was able to produce all of the e-mails concerning the matter.  Also, it seems that this child may be in need of some sort of behavioral intervention.  Does the school have a parent liaison and/or counselor?  This person can also act as an advocate for your son as well as the offending child.  Perhaps, you can informally approach some of the parents of the other children that have been harmed. I know that you do not want to organize a witch hunt against a 5 yr old, but it is a serious matter that may escalate.  

Best wishes
P.S. Keep all of your records of doctor's visits and always try to correspond with e-mail whenever possible because you will proof as to who had knowledge of the situation and that can be paramount if the situation escalates. Hope your little guy is feeling better