My husband was totally blindsided by this behavior. It started after he announced to them that he was dating me and that he was serious. Somehow, the son believes that he should have been given decisionmaking rights as to whether his father chose to do this. Additionally, prior to his mother's passing, she had gone during the week for 2-3 days to care for their young family. The son states that his father made no effort to join in this. My husband was not able to do this because he was working and they had alot of medical bills due to his wife's medical condition, whereas the deceased wife had retired. Taking into consideration the long history with the daughter in law of which his deceased wife and he joined and agreed upon as to their skepticism regarding the union. They were not invited to the first wedding. They were invited to the wedding at the Catholic church--
We have learned some things, while changing the distancing behavior of the son is futile, we have decided to remain open to face to face dialogue after informing him of our plans to be in town when he is ready to be civil. Otherwise, my husband will continue contact with email/phone as appropriate whether it is acknowledged or not.
We have discussed an alternate solution to holiday remembrances with family where we arrange with the individual families with us on alternate dates rather than to hope for the traditional large family gathering at Christmas where we have been traditionally included.
Sorry about how mixed up this affair is and thanks for the advice and support. If you have anymore please share. Thanks.
I don't know what else to say, except there is a reason and no one is telling you what it is, for some reason.
The cause of her anger (and his disinterest in smoothing things over) may not be rational, but there is a reason, and it may go back to the son's childhood.
And my guess is, the other brother and his wife who attended the last gathering with them also know what it is.
Yesterday I had lunch with several friends and this topic came up. Two of the women had estranged children. They were blindsided by it - but I'm not, and the other women in the room weren't blindsided either. We know each other well and we saw this coming a mile off.
These things don't happen out of the blue - they have root causes, however petty and misdirected those feelings may be that caused this.
My advice to your husband is that he humbly ask one of his other kids what the cause of this rift is, and how he can try to smooth it over. They all know.
I'm happy for the great relationship that you have with your 3 adult sons. My husband and his deceased wife have raised five children who have learned to be independent of their parental guidance/financial support and for that he is thankful.
His daughter-in-law on the other hand has done nothing but openly criticize human behavior of all kinds. She practices silent treatment with my husband and at one point stated to him that she hates him. She has done this 'cutting off' with another child of my husband as well--with no explanation for either. My husband has a great relationship with four of his children. This son does not advocate for his father. This son has not made statements like her. The last conversation included statements of affection --i.e. I love you, however when the last gathering was planned, the statement was made that they would not be there if we were also present, so, two sons and their children gathered while two daughters were not invited. The other son lives states away.
My husband is appreciative of what I try to do to keep family going, yet I realize that I cannot negotiate peace in the role of 'step-mom', I can only act peace which I continue to be intentional around. It's just so difficult and so hurtful.
Inpieces, I really don't understand this. Maybe it's because I have a REALLY great relationship with all my 3 adult sons, I can't imagine any of them not clueing me into something that was done to alienate the inlaws. If I did something to distance them, my sons would tell me. They would also tell me if their partner was off-base and I had not done anything wrong at all.
It seems to me that his son has no desire/power to include his dad. That may be because they already had a very damaged relationship and it's not worth alienating his wife to take his dad's side in this.
Best wishes.
To say the least. We just don't want to make things about ourselves and ruin what relationship there is with the grandchildren--we are making headway and I may at some point be able to convince my husband of getting some practical advice in this matter. We have seen the grandchildren all of two times since Christmas. There are not phone calls unless my husband initiates them. There are no emails or facebook updates. It is strained and yes we are in knots.
It sounds like she is a difficult person (with your husband and others too). The part that is confusing is that it sounds like the two of you have made this into a heavy, heavy burden. Why? You just sound so tied into knots over it. If you have "discussed the very things repeatedly" with each other but aren't getting anywhere as far as learning to detach, talk to a professional.
We are as confused. My husband has been reaching out for months. The children continue to be occupied. It is very hurtful and are searching for people who have been through some similar things to learn some strategies to keep moving on in life.
We understand all that you have shared and have discussed the very things repeatedly. Thanks for the validation, it just gets heavy at times.
I had a very difficult time following what all is going on here, and who all is upset at whom and who wouldn't benefit from getting a dog.
That said, I think your husband should ask his son what it is your husband has done to upset his wife's family, if anything.
You say your daughter-in-law is very unpleasant to your husband, but that the kids are doing well and she does not limit their attendance at family events because he has the right, as their grandfather, to see them. You also say your husband "is heart broken that he has ... no communication and intentional avoidance from his daughter in law in family gatherings." Frankly, if she is that unpleasant, in your husband's shoes, I would be delighted if she avoided me at family events. Why should your husband care if someone who is critical and painful to be around talks to him? I would avoid her at family parties, myself.
By the length of your post it is clear that this whole situation bothers you excessively, even though all you have described is that she is unpleasant and does unpleasant things. Please keep in mind that by the standards of difficult relationships between in-laws, she is actually being more pleasant than many. At least she has not told her husband that he and the kids can't come to the gatherings.
I suggest you see a family therapist and work out ways to stop giving her so much power. She is, after all, only be a minor irritant in your life. It does not sound like she is hurting your husband's image in the family. She feels the way she feels and acts the way she acts -- no matter how much you think she should acknowledge how moral your husband is, she won't. All you are going to do is tie yourself into emotional knots if you try to change another person, you are much better off learning to change how you react. In short, disengage. She can only hurt you if you let her.
Your husband and his son might also get together now and then for a cup of coffee and just to chat. That way, he won't suffer from feeling distant from his son. Or if they live too far apart, they should talk often on the phone. Not about his grievances over the son's wife!! just about daily things, and friendly talk. This way your son will have the feeling of refuge in his relationship with his dad that he should have, and they will be able to maintain their closeness.