Seeking help for friend's child

[rkaouk]

Hi all,
My best friend has 10 and 7 year old girls, and twin 4 1/2 year old boys.  I have known her for 8 years, so have witnessed many years of behavior from her children.  I am very concerned about her twin boys and have tried to discuss it with her, but she seems to not take it seriously and changes the subject.  The boys are not neglected as far as basic needs, but I wonder if she is as nurturing as she should be.  Her mother was an alcoholic and a terrible parent and I don't think she received any positive feedback as a child.  I feel that both of the boys are emotionally and verbally behind other children their age.  I realize that all kids are different, but they also display behavior that is disturbing and unnatural for their age.  Every outing we go on (mall, restaurant, pool) just confirms my fear that their is something seriously wrong with one, if not both, boys.  As an example, yesterday we went to eat at a restaurant; me, two of my daughters (almost 4 and 20 months) and my friend and the twin boys.  The boy that concerns me the most has been around me at least 50 times over the years and still will looks away and will not answer me or acknowledge anything I say to him.  Yesterday I said hello to him at the table after we sat and he looked away as usual.  I tried to make him laugh by asking him if I could tickle or kiss him.  He got very upset and pushed his chair form the table while grunting (basically yelling) his disapproval.  He does not communicate as a child his age should.  He grunts, yells and will use two or three word requests/responses- no complete sentences that I have ever heard.  I left him alone and after lunch we went outside to walk around a bit.  My daughter and his brother were playing and something upset him and he started the grunting/yelling again.  My friend (his mom) said that he thought we were making fun of him; I guess because we looked at him and asked him what was wrong.  He went on to yell for a solid five minutes as she had to carry him to the car.  She told him that if he did not stop she would take him home.  He kept screaming "I stop" for the five minutes and began kicking and shoving things when she finally got him in the car.  He yelled for another two-three minutes there and finally stopped.  My friend tried to talk to him but he just shook his head and would not answer her as to why he got upset.  This type of incident has happened to various degrees many many times since I have known him.  It is not your average temper tantrum.  Trust me, I have the two girls I mentioned earlier and a 5 year old also; we have dealt with our share of tantrums.  I think there is something emotionally or mentally unstable about her son, but can't find anything on line that meets all the behaviors he exhibits.  I don't think he has autism based on the symptoms I have read.  His mom just gets past these episodes and I guess doesn't realize how serious they are.  Also, the boy goes to preschool three days a week and has had some problems with the teachers, but nothing that has made them counsel his mom (to my knowledge).  I would love some feedback on what you all think might be going on.  Thanks if you read this long story!

[margypops]

Probably not a good idea to take children to a restaurant , and sometimes children dont like to be kissed and tickling upsets them a lot perhaps .As the Mom thinks her children are doing okay maybe she is simply aware and you are misinterpreting some of it, leave the Mom to see it ,if there isany problem she will see it for herself.

[babygirl6152]

looking at this all as an outsider my first thoughts are-
you care, but you can't care enough to change the mom- and she has to be the one that deals with it all- so even if we have ideas, you see- she hasn't wanted to deal with it so far- so she sure won't care about what we think- the other thought is- since you care- all you can sort of do is model thru your own parenting skills and pray she catches on------as you said- she did not learn parenting skills from her mother-
forgive me but is she teachable? Does she care to improve or does she think only you are nit picking? I don't---- but it is possible she thinks it-

What I see from mom's actions from the tantrum could be just a guess of course, but some parents work this way- I don't work this way- I am more like you- I want answers and a plan, and I am dead set on working with a formula til I see results- it's called proactive- I am sure you know that- Your friend is REACTIVE- or "reacting"- she deals with something once- and puts it out of her mind til it happens again then reacts-

in a most basic explanation and crude example:
it's like saying  2 +2 =5- and even though you realize you got the wrong answer you still keep adding 2 + 2 and getting 5 - Until she is ready to try a different way of getting the right answer there is not much you can do about it-

I guess you know what is going to happen now- the teachers will most likely have to deal with all his behaviors and she will continue to sit on the sidelines until she chooses to get more proactive- the school might even push her into a behavior modification program then it will be time for you to strongly encourage her to follow thru- and it will b hard- reactive people do not like it- they feel it is more trouble than it's worth and surely someday their child will just "be ok on his own"- "when he outgrows it"..... there are also parenting classes- believe me they don't call them parenting classes or no parent would go- LOL- but you both might go to those - (you being a long for the ride- so to speak) and she may get some ideas there-