Should a 4 and a half year old be sleeping in his mothers bed every night?

[topin2003]

My 4 1/2 year old son spends 1/3 of his time with myself,my wife ( his stepmum) and younger son.  We have a stable, loving family environment.

My son is smart, curious, and seems very well adjusted and well behaved at our home.  

Recently, I learned from his mother, with whom I have a strained relationship, that our son does not listen to or behave well when he is with his mother, which is 2/3 of the time.  She has described his behavior recenty as bratty, and says he does not listen and melts down frequently and throws tantrums.  

I know from my son, that although she is a loving, attentive  mother, that she seems to be doing several things that seem like they may not be contributing positively to his well being or emotional development, one of which is of particular concern: Our son sleeps in his mother's bed every night.  

When I asked her about why she was doing this, she said that she does it because he is hard to get to sleep, and didn't feel it was a problem.  When I asked our son, he said he does it because he loves her.

I feel he is confused, and may be sleeping in her bed to meet her needs, as a single mom with few friends and social relationships.

I do not feel she has any intention of discontinuing the co-sleeping arrangement.  

Is it damaging to a 4 1/2 yr old boy to sleep in his mother's bed every night?  

If so, what do you recommend I do?

Thank you,
Concerned father

[TheTotalTruth]

You have a  lot of nerve. This woman is raising YOUR son!!!  You seem like a real jerk that wants to find something wrong to hurt your Ex; just to make her feel bad (worse) about the situation. You seem like a real arrogant control freak. I am glad I do not know you, ya' insensitive  f**k!
Oh ... the kid has bad behavior because the mother cuddles with him in bed to help him sleep at night, yah thats it...thats why he is having meltdowns!  It has nothing to do with the fact that YOU are not around 2/3's of the time. Knock up your new wife and leave your Ex the hell alone. freak.

[angelinamarina]

yah, funny, this guy has a new wife and kids....apparently left the old one, probably for a  younger wife, and thinks that the kid is being harmed by sleeping with his mom.

the kid probably is not comfortable enough to be "himself" at the dad's house since he is only there a little bit of time.

[Agiesmom]

Just realized this has been dug up from 8 months ago.  I'm sure this guy is long gone and still not getting along with his ex.

[Agiesmom]

I agree with the others--it's not a problem, in my opinion.  I'd be concerned if he were 12 and didn't want to sleep with her, but she made him because she was lonely--but gee, he's 4...and he is a victim of circumstance since his parents divorced.

You should bend over backwards to have a good relationship with your ex--bite your tongue, smile and nod, make it work.  Funny how people don't seem to realize this--if you can't get along with your spouse while you're married to her, what makes you think it will be easier to get along when you're divorced and and remarried and she has no desire whatsoever to do anything you want her to do?  

Focus on your child and try to build a good relationship with his mother for him--he needs that and he deserves it.

[Christy H]

There is no harm done with your son sleeping with his mom, my seven year old is allowed to sleep with me when daddy is at work during the night. I rather enjoy this special time for me and her. This might be something your son needs to feel safe and loved. Soon he will grow out of it and no harm done.
i agree with anxoius you do seem to be judegmental of your EX and maybe your looking for something to be wrong. Please remember be positive and love your son that is your job abd your ex maybe she does need your help and maybe this is your opporunity to hand out an olive branch and mend your relationship. Good Luck !
Christy

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Lots of kids sleep with their parents.  He will soon not want to do this and be back in his own bed.

I am sensing a lot of judgement on your part towards your ex.  This is counter-productive.  Maybe you should hire a mediator and work out how you are going to co-parent.  I know it is hard, but the fact of the matter is you are stuck together for life so you may as well do the work to make it work.  Perhaps she is needing more support from you as you mentioned that she is stressed out.

[jd1419]

I don't think it is damaging--as my 4 yr sleeps in my bed--my hubby is there also and our 2 1/2 yr old also does--though let me tellyou we are trying so very hard to get them to sleep in their own beds---the only problem I see is the one I have where they will not fall asleep by themselves and either my hubby or I need to be there with them...though if she is using his sleeping in bed with her as a clutch to something else there could be major problem later on.