Sibling rivalry (I guess is what it is)

[thegryphon]

I am a mother of 8 year old twins (boy and girl) and a little girl who is turning 6 today.  This has been an exceptionally rough year on all of us.  I left their dad in February due to his escalating alcoholism (he was beginning to get scary), we stayed at my mother's house for about 6 months, and have now moved into our own home.  I left their dad's house with nothing but a few clothes and necessities.  We have virtually nothing, so there really is not much to "take away" from them when they get out of control and misbehave.  I try putting them in corners, but sometimes they pull the "stick my arms and legs out so Mom can't get me through the door to put me in the corner" trick.  Anyway, I'm off subject, I suppose.  Lately it seems that one of the biggest problems is the rivalry between my son and my smallest child.  We'll be riding down the road in the car when I'll hear a blood-curdling scream, turn around and see that my son is flogging her.  When asked what is going on, he replies that "she is reading aloud and giving me a headache" or "she is singing and giving me a headache".  The poor girl can't do anything in her own home or vehicle without "annoying" him or "giving him a headache".  So, he retaliates by whooping her.  I don't know what to do about him.  He seems to struggle lately with everything.  He is gifted, has always done well in school, and has always been in advanced classes.  Now, he won't do homework - I have to call the teacher to determine if there is any homework and what that homework is.  It is a battle to get him to sit down and do it.  There are frequent tantrums associated with the doing-of-the-homework.  He farts around in the mornings when it is time to get ready for school (actually, they all are guilty of this).  It is completely maddening!  He does see a therapist, but I am beginning to doubt the merit of this exercise.  I would switch therapists, but in this town, there is only one.  I fear for him.  He is so talented, smart, loving, etc... but I am afraid that he is going to go down the wrong roads if I can't get control of this.  Can anyone offer any advice?  Thanks so much.

[Jules_za]

We were only two kids, my older brother and myself.  My brother and I never got along, no matter how hard I tried. He has never to this day forgiven me for being my fathers favourite, even if it was not my fault. I don't think he even realises that he does it, but my husband had to step in one day and say "You should be ashamed of yourself. I would NEVER treat my sister the way you just have".  All I think he ever wanted was acceptance and approval from my father.

I don't know your situation but maybe what I said helps.

[RockRose]

thegryphon,  I've seen something like this in two separate households in my extended family - and one time in a friend's home.  Same dynamic - the older boy is bullying the younger girl (who appears fairly blameless) and she lets out bloodcurdling screams when he hits her.

This is going to sound very odd - but is she irritating him on purpose?  In all three of those homes,  if you look VERY carefully,  the younger girl is purposely irritating the older boy.  Granted, he has a low threshold of irritation,  but she is purposely egging him on to hit her,  at which point she begins screaming at the top of her lungs even if the incident is over.  

I don't know your family and haven't watched your kids interact,  but it sounds the same as with these families.  The girl is known as "the sweet one" who keeps getting hurt by the big bully brother.  That's how she gets attention - by being the hurt sweet one.  And he is so irritated by her that he hits her often.

Best wishes.

[g27gear]

You're in a really difficult situation. Kids need time to themselves away from their siblings. When I have all my kid together at one time (I have 3 from a previous marriage and my wife now has 2) they really get on eachother's nerves. Especially if we're staying in a hotel on vacation. Everything gets cramped and everyone gets uncomfortable. I try to split them up and take a couple with me and leave a couple to themselves. Give them plenty to stay occupied and keep their mind off the close living quarters. I know this is difficult, as you are just getting on your feet in a home of your own now. Is there anyone that can help you? From your grammer, I assume you're in the UK. In the U.S. we have a Big Brother/Big Sister program for situations like this. My son, who lives in another state with him mom is enrolled and his Big Brother takes him to the movies and out to lunch sometimes. I really really hate that someone else has to do this, that I'm not there to take him to take him out and enjoy some father/son time, but at least he gets out of the house full of girls once or twice a week.
It sounds like your son could use some time away from the sisters. But, make sure it's stressed that when he's back home, he is expected to behave and show his sisters (and you) the respect they deserve.