Nephew with extreme tantrums, soiling pants, biting, etc...

[Danielle8611]

I am very concerned with the behavior of my 7 1/2 year old nephew. Just looking for opinions/advice. First off my sister who's child I am concerned with is very unstable in that she has never been able to stay in one place for very long, At times i suspect she has been homeless along with my nephew, although she refuses to admit this. she lived 1000 miles away at one point so I cant really say whats true or not. She constantly lies and can never hold a job, Her boyfriend is a non U.S citizen who is not very educated who I suspect to be dealing and or doing drugs. He also speaks very poor English. I'm just trying to set up an idea of my nephews living environment for anyone reading this. My sister is currently living about 2 hours away and I don't see them more than a few times a year. I know of my nephews behavior from just when I am around him and from what my sister tells me. She doesn't act concerned at all about any of it, she just tells me about it as if perfectly normal behavior.
All that aside...my nephew over the past few years has seemed to develop some serious anger issues, he cant take no for an answer, he hits, bites, kicks, and just throws huge tantrums if he doesn't get his way. This was somewhat understandable when he was much younger but now that he is 7 I think he would know better. His tantrums are to the point where he gets sent home from school for biting and kicking the teachers and ripping things off the walls.  He was also kicked off of his school bus last year for these behaviors.  Also, he poops his pants several times almost every day.  The soiling of the pants seems to have really started only in the last year or so.  when I ask him why he does it he doesn't seem to have an answer or even care that he did it. Which is another thing, his speech is very poor and hard to understand and he is unable to carry on "normal" 7 year old conversation. The first few years I just thought maybe his "jibberish" was Spanish (which is what his dad speaks) but I'm certain now that that's not the case.  He almost never makes eye contact and can't seem to follow even the simplest of instructions. He was held back in preschool and now is going through his second year of kindergarten. He is currently on meds for ADHD which I think is just an excuse for poor parenting, at least in his case. This is all I can think of right now, I'm just very concerned and frustrated with the situation. Please let me know what you think. Is there some sort of disorder such as mild autism or anything that could explain this, or is it just the result of poor parenting. Maybe it's a combination. I am just very concerned with all of this as he is getting older and it needs to be addressed now rather than later.  Thanks so much in advance! Danielle

[specialmom]

To me, he sounds like a boy with classic signs of abuse and neglect.  I would call CPS again and be forceful.  The boyfriend doing or selling drugs could be the issue you need to get action taken.  He needs to be removed to a stable home.  It's hard to take a child from their mother and the courts struggle with it but this boy, from your description has never had adequate care.  Does he attend school?  

[Danielle8611]

I have read about that  "encopresis" while trying to find answers to his behavior. It's a possibility especially since I read that it can start after certain "trauma" probably such as being moved around a lot. I don't know exactly what kind of attention he gets at home, perhaps he's doing it because it's the only attention he gets? I have thought about all of these things. As far as being in a class with younger children, sadly I think the kindergartners are far more intelligent than he is. I have another nephew on my husbands side of the family who is 5 and I often compare him to my sisters child, I know that it's not a good idea to compare 2 children because everyone is different, but I just observe how each one acts, learns, and communicates. The differences are just amazing, I don't believe my nephew can even say his ABC's at this point, my sister claims that he can but when I ask to hear it from him he either shows no interest and doesn't even seems to be listening to me, or he will get mad and scream. He never makes eye contact which is another thing I find strange. When he was about 3, I suspected maybe mild autism but I really don't think that's it, I think they would have figured that out by now with him being in school if that's what it was. It's so hard to even explain his entire situation because the more I type the more things I remember from years past and it just turns into a long rant that doesn't make much sense.  I am just very worried about him. I do not have children of my own yet so I'm no expert on raising children that's for sure.  I just wish there was more I could do.

[Danielle8611]

When my nephew was about a year old my sister and her boyfriend lived with my mom for a very short time, in that time we witnessed what we considered to be neglect.  He would go for hours in wet diapers, my mom was always the one who had to feed him and bathe him because my sister was "too busy" watching t.v., playing on the computer, etc..My sister moved out after an argument with my Mom, basically she packed her things in a garbage bag and shoved it in a stroller with my nephew and began walking down the street and went to stay with a "friend" who they later stole from and then moved again. That seems to be the trend, they live with random people, steal from them, and then move on. I know all this because we have talked to several people who they have lived with. My mom did call children services and explain his situation and she was basically told that as long as he is being fed and has a roof over his head that there is nothing they can do at this time.  Recently my mom has offered to take temporary custody of him in hopes that she could help his situation. I very much doubt that my sister will go for this.

[Danielle8611]

I'm sure your right about the ADHD, he must have it. I just think there's much more to his behaviors. I will definitely check out those pages and send the links to my sister and hopefully I don't offend her. Really just looking for other peoples opinions at this point, my mom and I are just feeling at a loss with the whole situation right now.

[RockRose]

Google "encopresis" for an idea of what may be causing his bowel incontinence.  Encopresis is a lack of bowel control due to the colon being stretched out from chronic constipation.   In my observation,  children with encopresis are usually boys and (who knows why) tend to have immature personalities.  I don't know why these things seem to go together.  It's usually fixable with a high-fiber diet.

Mental illness/personality disorders are genetic.  It sounds like your sister may have passed down her ADD tendencies to him.  ADD tendencies look a little different usually in girls than boys,  so her behavior may not have been as extreme.

I'm concerned about a 7.5 year old still being in the fall semester kindergarten.  He's unlikely to outgrow these behaviors and so keeping him back with MUCH younger children doesn't seem the way to go.  It doesn't seem positive either for him or the 5 year olds he's been placed with.  Can he be moved up to his age group and be given academic and behavioral support?

[specialmom]

I would not hesitate to call child protective services into this situation after what you've written here.  

HOnestly, a lot of what you write is a child that shows signs of neglect and great instability.  How could a child ever thrive in those living conditions?  

[Sandman2]

     Clinical guidelines forbid giving stim meds to somebody due to poor parenting.  Yes, he most probably has ADHD - he has all the symptoms.  And yes, there is a lot of poor parenting going on.  ADHD is very difficult to deal with and the way it appears he has been yanked around, the situation is even much worse.
   I would assume that his parents figure that the medication will take care of all the problems and it won't.   It would probably be helpful to your understanding of the situation if you read up on ADHD and what it can do to a child (and his family).    And yes, he has learned to get his way by yelling and screaming.   IF you could get his parents to read something like the link below (and follow it), it would help.
        http://www.onhealth.com/tips_for_parenting_a_child_with_adhd/page3.htm
        His parents also need to get a 504 plan or an IEP in place for him.  And if they want - ask them to post over here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
  where I am the CL and I will try to help.   Thanks for being concerned and you are definitely correct in that this needs to be addressed now.