WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

[alecia143]

I am a single mom of 2 kids, ages almost 11(son) and 4 (daughter). I have always had issues with my kids specifically bedtime for both of them, and more specifically my daughter and her behavior...it is just draining in everyway possible. She does not listen to anything I say, I can tell her a million times not to do something and in five minutes she is doing just that. I literally put her back in bed at least 40 times EVERY NIGHT, no exaggerations. I have no respect from my kids and I feel it is all my fault due to their fathers not being around.
I am really just at my wits end, I don't understand what I am doing wrong...time outs don't work, spankings don't work and I hate them, taking away toys or privliges dosesn't work either, so what do I do???? She is out of control, screaming and crying over everything, hitting and throwing things, telling me no all the time when I ask her to do something or doing something intentionally when I just said not to do that.
I am so frustrated, drained, exhasted and really I feel like a failure because everyone says how out of control she is and why am I being so blind and in denial. (I always just say, she is four, it will pass) Now I just don't know and I don't want to lose control of my kids. Someone please help, I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

[Sandman2]

    Not sure if it is a factor here, but how long ago did the split happen (within the last year?)  Does the ex have visitation rights and if so how often do the kids see him?
   Also it sounds like this behavior did not happen when she was younger - "but we really never had any issues other than the normal ones".  How long has this been going on, and can you think of any changes in her life that happened around that time (if it started within say the last 9 months)?

[alecia143]

I'm actually self employed as an online tutor so she is not in daycare, she previously was when she was younger but we really never had any issues other than the normal ones. She is due to start pre-k in August and I can already tell her behavior may be an issue. I was hoping that being around other kids her age would help her grasp how she is supposed to behave.
Last night I was up until 3 am trying to get her to go to sleep and then she got up at 6 am this morning!?? I mean how  is she awake that early??...I literally stripped the child room last night, all she has now is a bed and a dresser in her room. I was trying to explain that is she got out of bed again I was taking this or that out of her room and she would have to earn it back....this went on all night until she had nothing left.
I have a strong personality and I am not sure if she has inherited that from me or if it is something else. I just am unsure of how to proceed.

[Sandman2]

Since you are a single mom, I would assume you have your daughter in some form of day care.  How large are the classes that she is in?  Do the daycare people have the same problems that you do?  What are their responses to her and their suggestions to you?