help please

[guilty_089]

I know that what I am about to say isn't normal, but I seriously need help. I am currently nineteen. I thought that I will soon reveal was behind me, but I just woke up from a disturbing dream that made me remember events. So here it goes. Back when I was about 4 or 5, maybe even 6 I would go under my parents bed and pivot my weight so that I could get a pleasing sensation in my vagina. Then I progressed to getting my brother into it. I would make him go under the bed with me. I would pull down my pants, and have him kiss my butt. I know this is so gross!!!!!!!!!!! I'm disgusted with myself, but its the truth. I remember he would tell me that he didn't want to do it, but I would force him. I was seriously getting a kick out of it. Then some years went by.My parents divorced. My mom was recovering from my physically abusive dad. She went to work. Moved us to a new city and house, and then my brother and I had another encounter. Around this time I had been expressing my sexual desires by drawing and writing it out in my personal diary ( the diary wasn't tied to my brother in any way). I began to masturbate. This one time that my brother and I were alone in the house, I ended up sitting on top of him. Facing him. He didn't fight it. Then I was shifting my pelvic area to rub his penis. We ended up on the ground... humping. Then we sat again and I really wnted him to touch my breasts. I tried to get it, but I don't think he did. It's kinda of a hazy memory.  Again. I am disgusted with myself. I don't know what I was thinking!  Anyways. Remember that diary I was talking about? My grandma found it and confronted me about it. She thought the devil was in me and made me feel abnormal. She didn't trust me to have my door closed because she thought I would be drawing or doing something bad. I stopped caring about myself at that point. I was filld with guilt. I just wanted my family, and myself to think I was a good person. I wanted my grandma and mom to still view me as a good little girl. For the longest time I avoided anything related to sex. I was so uncomfortable with it. When I finally  got a boyfriend towards the end of high school we wanted to be more intimate, and I had a really hard time. I felt like I was being a bad person. I kinda got over that since its been more than 2yrs since I began dating him, but today I woke up from a disturbing dream. I was watching 40yrold virgin and steve carel was in bed with his sister. They were gonna have sex. My dream went straight to after  the deed and the sister was grossed out. He was trying to make things okay. Then she tried to put his penis in her vagina. All of a sudden, I was the sister and my brother was next to me. I was rubbing his penis on the lips of my vagina. I saw him wake up and he looked pleased. At that point I woke up in horror. What's wrong with me??? Please help.

[Danale]

I agree totally with Margipops and Megaroni.  You need to get some help to find out what has happened in your childhood so that you can move past it and not have it color everything in your life.  More people than you realize have sexual abuse in their past.  The ones that confront it and acknowledge it and accept that it wasn't their fault can go on to live happy lives and build healthy relationships.  Don't feel guilty, honey, you do not have the devil in you.   Talk to a professional who can help you learn how to confront your past and move on from it in a healthy manner.  I think you have shown an enormous amount of courage by telling your story here.  

[margypops]

I agree with Megaroni, Guilt makes things worse, and this isnt an uncommon story, get a councillor to talk to, Once you are into a serious relationship  i suspect a lot of your feelings will get better, Dont dwell on it your thoughts will make it worse.

[Megaroni]

Had I been your grandmother, I would have first found out if any molestation or abuse had happened to you.  My first concern would and should have been "why you were acting out this way".  You should absolutely not feel guilty.  There is no freedom in a guilt mentatlity.  All children do explore.  You may have started to go a bit beyond this point but why?  Did you have any physical or molestation abuse?  Sweetie you need love and help.  You and millions of others have had these type of moments in their lives.
You are not the "odd, abnormal one".  You and your brother both should seek out therapy.  A therapist could sort all this out for the two of you.  You need to get rid of the guilt and move on to a life of freedom.  There is only bondage when you feel guilty.  Feeling guilty keeps you in a "victums role".  Please seek out some professional help.