irrational fears

[redlotus]

My youngest son is 3.5 yrs old.  He is showing some signs of some major separation anxiety and plain irrational fears.  I think these are more than just your average childs regular fears.  For instance, he refuses to be alone in the house in any room.  I stay home with him so this is a real issue for me.  He won't go to the bathroom until he realy really has to go and then he usually pees a little on himself because he has waited so long.  He doesnt play with any of his toys while his older brother is at school because I don't sit in there with him while he plays (all the time.  I am usually up cleaning and doing other things). He is constantly up underneath me.  When it comes to movies, if there is any "negative" character in a film, he is terrified of it.  I rented the movie "A Bug's Life" for him and he was terrified of the bigger bugs and refused to watch it.  He is scared of the Lion King bc of the hyenas and he is scared of the Little Mermaid bc the shark chases flounder and Ariel.  I am so fed up!  I dont know what to do!  I can't get anything done around here and I can't even pee by myself without him toddling along behind me whimpering.

Some background:  He was a seemingly stable baby.  He went to daycare for a year between the ages of 1 and 2 and he cried every day at drop off.  Every. Single. Day. I have been staying home with him for one year now and it has gotten worse.  His older brother has been hospitalized 3 different times for a week each since I have been staying home and each time he has to go st;ay with someone bc I can't keep him at the hospital while my husband works.  So maybe it comes from that?  I am at my wit's end please help!

[redlotus]

Thank you all for your responses.  It seems like I just needed someone to validate my concerns enough for me to be convinced that his behavior is extreme.  I made an appt with his pediatrician next Wednesday to discuss this with him and maybe get a referal to a child psychologist.  I am just gonna quit renting the older kid movies for him, because you are right, there is a 'negative' side to them all... either a villain or a death, just seems too much for him to handle.  Dylan, my older child seems to do fine with them but he will be 5 in October.  Dylan is a special needs child, his language social and cognitive skills are that of a child at 3 yrs and 8 months so he and Hayden play on the same level and understand the same things, only Dylan is completely content to play alone, often preferring it.  Hayden is not normally content to play alone, he usually wants to be able to see me or have me engaged in play with him.  When Dylan gets fed up with Hayden being too involved in his play he lets Hayden know (often in an inappropriate way) and Hayden just quietly plays on the side lines  ( well that sounds good but Hayden rarely does anything quietly).  

As far as any teasing goes, I don't think Hayden is experiencing any of that.  Dylan has not been taught or learned about teasing yet so Dylan is not teasing him.  I certainly don't degrade him for being scared and my husband is not either.  We were so excited when Hayden was a baby and wouldn't put his feet in the grass bc he was scared of it.. I know that sounds funny but when you have a first born that has no concept of danger and is known by his first name at the ER, you embrace normal childhood fears.... until they become a monster themselves!

Thanks again for the responses

[specialmom]

Hi,  I just wanted to add that the movies you describe, neither of my boys will watch.  Our pediatrician warned us about some of these Disney movies (and they are good if you don't take it seriously as a child does) being very scarey for kids. I think either a mother or father dies in almost all of them.  So that I wouldn't worry about.  You could try another kid friendly type show like dragon tales or land before time.  

Many kids this age do also want to be with their parents a lot.  But this sounds extreme.  Good luck, it is hard to have someone glued to your leg 24/7!

[margypops]

How does he get on with his older brother , do they play well together, sometimes children can become afraid of movies if another older child has been frightening them, is this a possibility, maybe someone else he is communicating with , I knew a child once and his older relative would call him chicken and tease him a lot, he did become very upset about small things until the behavior was stopped ,just a thought.....

[jdtm]

So maybe it comes from that? --  your words

You're dealing with anxiety - whether it came from his brother's hospital visits or not (which I really doubt) is irrelevant.  It does sound as if this child's temperament is "sensitive".  Anxiety, by the way, tends to be a genetic trait - not caused by life experiences.  I might suggest you google the phrase "separation anxiety and children" or "anxiety and children" or similar words/phrases to educate yourself more on this issue.  As you will see from the large number of "hits" from the search engine, anxiety is a very common issue with children.  

If his anxiety tends to get worse (and I suspect it might when he goes to school), you might wish to contact your family doctor.  If he/she is unable to help you, then ask for a referral to a medical specialist with experience in anxiety disorders as a child psychiatrist or child neurologist.  Anxiety is highly treatable; however, if anxiety is the issue, I assure you that your child will not outgrow it nor will it go away.  But, your child can learn how to "manage his fears" (although they may seem to be very irrational) and lead a very "normal" life.  I wish you the best ....