5 Year old wets her pants only at Fathers

[heathe4859]

My daughter has always had a problem wetting her pants.  I've had all the test run and there is nothing medical going on.  With in the last year I've gotten it under control at home but she still seems to be wetting her pants at her fathers every other weekend.

I've told him all the ways to handle it but he won't take my advise, he chooses to punish her.  She was at her fathers last weekend and he didn't take her to dance class because he said she "pissed" her pants and then lied to him about it.  She stayed the night with her step-mothers mom and had an accident over there while sleeping and her father made her aplogize to the grandmother for peeing on her couch.... I'm at a loss on what to do and almost to the point of not letting her go over there any longer...

Just wondering if there was anything else I could try before resorting to that because when she comes home from her fathers house she always seems so defeated and down on herself which isn't healthy

[margypops]

I agree with you this in not something to be punished and her Dad is making it  worse as he is amking her anxious and thats a vicious circle.. possibly the reason she is doing it, I feel your childs welfare comes first ,if this is making her unhappy perhaps she should only go when she  is older, to stay  over,  tell him it is better if he sees her during the day, then he wont have a problem with her wettingat night,  how is she getting on with the step mom , does she have any input with the wetting?

[heathe4859]

I've talked to her step-mom w/out her dad being around and she said she agrees w/me that she shouldn't be punished but won't tell him that because she doesn't want to get in an argument w/him over it...My daughter really likes her step-mother and she's usually who she's excited to see when she goes over to her dads

[margypops]

I think you could ask the step mom to speak to her Dad ,it sounds as if he is too hard on her, or is she afraid of him?or as I said in the previous post keep it during the day till she is older when the problem may resolve itself.

[RockRose]

Heathe,  I have a couple thoughts.  If your doctor has said there is "nothing medical going on" - I'd take that with a grain of salt.  What that often means is "we haven't discovered a medical reason why she is doing this".  

Do you believe there IS nothing medical going on,  and she's choosing to do this?  In that case,  I think she should be punished every time.  Otherwise,  there is something medical going on and she shouldn't be punished.  BUT,  if she pees on someone's couch,  even by accident,  apologize.  If you accidentally peed on someone's couch,  you'd apologize.

If she can't control herself - especially at night time - she needs pullups so she doesn't have to apologize and be embarrassed,  and ruin couches.  

What's your best guess about this?  She can control is and wants to pee?  OR,  there is something medical going on and the doc is too narrow minded to admit he doesn't know what it is?  

I think you need to pick one of those directions and go that way.  

[margypops]

I believe you said that you had all the tests run, so if she had anything medical wrong like a bladder infection it would have shown up. I dont think her Dad should punish her for doing this, best to find out why a 5 year old could be upset, the step mom could be an ally to talk to about it further especially as your daughter likes her.Ask if she drinks a lot in the evening whilst she is there evening sodas could be stimulating the bladder more.,get them cut back after dinner.

[babygirl6152]

the punishment was to NOT go to dance class? or another punishment?

if so- that is fair for 5 years old. Some doctors even suggest that- One pair of panties a day- after they are wet- the child bathes, gets in her pj's and his/her day is over- they come inside. No punishment- really just natural consequences.

I know what you mean though- I dislike the idea of punishing/spanking/belittling over toilet issues. I had a few accidents around this age and my  mother was very understanding but I was still so ashamed. She was really sweet about it and told me not to worry. Can't believe I remember from all those years ago.


My ex had a rule of finishing all food before leaving the table. I did not. So when my son went to see him there were different rules for mealtime.....as long is there is no abuse, there's not too much you can control when they are with dad.

[heathe4859]

Yes the punishment was not going to dance class.... but he took her to the park that day and to get ice cream... I explained to him that there were other punishments he could have used if that's the way he's going to go about it... but to take away something I pay a lot of money for is what was upsetting to me..

Like I said before she only does this at his house... she doesn't do it at school... at home.. at the babysitters... Only when she's with him and he drills her about it always asking her why she peed her pants, does she know when she has to go to the bathroom, calls her a liar and so forth and so on... I think it's all a little much

[margypops]

He sounds in my opinion to be causing her some anxiety, if he drills her as you say it can be very upsetting and to call her a liar seems a bit harsh, if she tries too hard not to wet the concern in her subconcious may work the opposite way,. This is only my opinion you may want to ask an expert/doctor on the other child -behavior forum what she think about the punishments etc.Maybe you will have to be firm with him about the matter /share that you are concerned about it..

[margypops]

Go with your own gut..you feel it is a little much.,my gut tells me you are right,good luck I hope you solve it for her sake.