what is happiness?

Question

I always love my children and grandchildren regardless of their grades. We would never pressurise them to get good grades, but encourage them to be what ever they would like to be. That could be a top scientist or a garbage collector. As long as they are happy. x

adgal · Accepted Answer

There is a big difference between pushing and encouraging.  For example, you say you don't push them to get good grades.  That's a positive.  But it is a good thing to encourage them to do the best they can at everything they do.  If that means being a garbage collector, then it's taking pride in being the best garbage collector they can be.  I won't push my child to get all A's. But if he is a B student, and getting C's due only to lack of effort, then I will do my best to encourage him to work for those B's.  I think it promotes pride and self satisfaction, as well as good self esteem and happiness.  Just my two cents.

adgal · Answer

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.  I obviously didn't know your son or the situation, but usually when someone takes their life, it isn't because of something the parents did or didn't do. Especially loving parents.  It can be and often is due to depression.  Often times depression is an actual chemical imbalance - it is not caused by anyone's actions.  And many times in our society, people for some reason feel embarrassed to admit they suffer from depression and seek help.  They have a hard time seeing it as a true disease.  

Again, I do not know why of course, but it has to be incredibly painful, especially if you are even thinking a little bit that this was somehow your fault.  I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist.   I think anytime parents, families or friends go through a loss in this way, it has to create so much confusion and pain.  A therapist might be able to help you sort out your feelings, and see that it is highly unlikely you did anything to cause this.  I wish you peace and healing.

landew · Answer

Dear adgal, thank you for your comments. The reason that I have a problem with nurturing/ bullying/ encouraging, is that we have 5 children, all adults now the ones still alive, and we are and have been rearing beautiful grandchildren  for the last 15 years. The one that we have lost was nurtured and encouraged to fulfill his dream of being a fire officer, which he did ,with the highest commendations. He became a very distinct fire person- fire fighter..He went rapidly through the ranks and we were so proud. He had bought himself a beautiful home and appeared settled? Then he choose to end his life on the 26 feb this year. Please someone help us.

adgal · Answer

I think that encouragement is when you act in the child's best interests and out of wanting them to be happy and self fulfilled.  For example, they tell you they want to be a trash collector and you support that vs. telling them they have to be a lawyer because being a trash collector is lowely, or would embarrass the family.  It's asking questions like...what do you think you need to do or learn to be a really good trash collector.  So supporting their dreams and helping them achieve them by encouraging them.  Your making me think...interesting.  Maybe it means acting in their best interests and supporting what they want instead of pushing them into what we want for them.  I don't think there is any simple answer.

landew · Answer

Where is the thin line between encouragement and bullying?

margypops · Answer

PS From what I hear trash collectors make really good money nowadays LOL

landew · Answer

Hi and thank you Margy. xx

margypops · Answer

Thats good  and I think you are right its good to encourage children to be the best they can be .but no doubt too much pressure creates anxiety in them .. .