Disturbing Thoughts

[jd4]

My anxiety started a little over a year ago.  I was put on Paxil and did very well and after seven months went off slowly with my doctor's help.  Since then I experienced occasional anxiety and panic attacks so I started to go to counseling.  This seemed to help and I was doing very well up to about a month ago.  The anxiety came back, but this time I was worked up over something that seemed so ridiculous.  I thought back to an episode in high school-seven years ago, where I cheated in a class and I started to feel really guilty and upset over it.  My anxiety was horrible.  I couldn't eat had trouble sleeping and I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't let the thought go.  Somehow I was able to recover without meds that time.  I went back to counseling and was feeling better and then just a few days ago it came back even worse this time.  Since the last episode of panic where I was worried about the cheating I would wake up most mornings feeling anxious but it would dissapate as I got up and ready for the day.  The other morning though I woke up from a disturbing dream where I had hurt my brother and when I woke up I felt really upset as I had in my dream and the anxiety was there worse than usual and so I laid in bed trying to analyze what it all meant.  Why was I getting so worked up?  Then this thought came to my mind which I know was completely ridiculous but it freaked me out.  The thought was that maybe all of this anxiety comes from something horrible I did in my past--like that I killed someone and supressed it in my memory and that is why I have all of this anxiety.  I know that part of it comes from the distubing dream and also from overanalyzing the whole cheating incident.  I kept thinking there must be more to it than the cheating, and somehow my mind came to the disturbing conclusion that I killed someone.  I know that the thought is completely absurd.  I would never and have never hurt anyone in my life.  But I can't let go of these thoughts and now I feel like I am losing my mind.  I went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed me Zoloft.  I've been feeling better already even though it's only been a couple of days, but I still wake up in the morning with this horrible anxiety and disturbing thoughts.  I get so worked up that I am convinced I must be going crazy.  I've read other message boards about the anxiety people experience, but no one seems to have these same disturbing thoughts that I do, which makes me feel like maybe there is something more wrong with me, maybe I am losing my mind.  I guess I just want to know that I am not crazy.  I can't get in to see my counselor till Monday, but I just need some reassurance now.  I don't understand why this is happening.  When my anxiety first started I never had upsetting thoughts like this.  Does this mean I'm getting worse?  I've been wondering if it's possibly a form of OCD.  Please tell me how I can make these thoughts go away and get back to my old self.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Forget about the diagnostic categories and consider yourself to be among the luck people who can actually get to the deepest levels of the psyche by your kind of self exploration and counseling.  This is a pure form of fantasy guilt..its not anxiety or ocd , its the stuff of the unconscious that we all harbor and are afraid to deal with..Use this very important breakthrough with your counselor to trace it back into the family dynamics of your childhood...this is a memory, not of an act, but of an infantile intent.

[Marie32]

Be CAREFUL -

I was on Celexa for 10 months. I noticed "tics" involving the left side of my face/neck/shoulder shortly after the dosage was increased to 40mg, that got worse over time. After withdrawing from the drug (which was horrible itself), the movements got much worse. They have stabalized, but have not gotten better. I have Tardive Dyskinesia. I live every day, all day, and worse in the evening with horrible involuntary movements that are constant (about one movement a second). These movements are so strong that my entire upper body is moved by them. The only relief I get is when I sleep, they disappear.

If anyone ever notices involuntary movements on SSRI's, even if those movements seem trivial, TELL YOUR DOCTOR, and make them listen to you! Mine told me not to worry, for months, until it was too late.

Celexa is supposed to be the one SSRI with the least side effects of them all, so perhaps this problem could happen more frequently with the others.

[Joey'smama]

I have anxiety, I feel like i am crawling out of my skin all the time, but i have a bigger problem i am close to committing suicide, i think about it all day long i don't know what to do i need help or advice i need something, i have a little boy who needs me but then again i think that he is better off with out me.  i don't know i am so lost and confused i wish that i could just be happy but i never have been and i never will be.i will any advice on this subject that any one could give me, please help me!

[worried one here]

This message is to joey's mama.
Please contact a counselor, friend, family member or a support from church or even a suicide hotline.  I just had a baby 6 months ago and I know that raising a child can be really overwhelming at times and can cause stress and depression.  Your life is a gift as is the life of your child.  Please continue to reach out to get help.  My favorite life motto when things get tough is "This too shall pass."  It's carried me through some really hard times.  I too sufferred from depression and I know that it can be hard to see the light but if you just hold on and reach for help, you will be ok.  I PROMISE!
I was going online for a neurological problem but feel that I stumbled into your message for a reason.

[Try_to_be_social]

Don

[3rdMajor]

Irrational guilt is a common symptom of depression, as is problems with appetite and sleep.  Jails are full of people who have committed homicides, yet they have no problems sleeping, they have normal appetites, and feel no remorse. Your guilt is undeserved.
I remember a story from the book "The Broken Brain" by Dr Nancy Andreasson.  A depressed woman felt such guilt as yours.  She had taken office pens home from her place of work.  She was so distraught with guilt, that she went to her boss and confessed.  He chuckled and told her she had been a faithful and valued employee for years and years, and she should forget about it.  She wasnt satisfied.  The guilt was so strong that she went to the police station and turned herself in, seeking relief from her sense of guilt.  The police refused to take the report, and she eventually got a psychaitric assessment and she was treated for depression, and the irrational guilt lifted.
You state that you did well on paxil, but now that you are off, you are experiencing panic attacks and symptoms of guilt, loss of appetite, and problems sleeping.  You should discuss with your doctor, the option of going back on paxil while you continue with your counselling.
ps.  I have experienced the feelings of guilt when I was in a depressed state, and I can say that it will resolve with proper treatment.  
Good luck

[Littlewhip325]

I am not a Doctor, not even a therapist. But one thing I know is Panic and Anxiety and if 1 person takes a part of this with them I am fine with that. Anxiety is broken into many parts and phases. The first part being irrational, caotic thinking. We need to be mind stimulated because we are always over-analyzing everything, even rediculous thoughts. We do this because we are negative people, we taught ourselves this behavior. It needs to be unlearned! These crazy thoughts are just that, stupid, meaningless thoughts because we are wonderful people! I know the dread, the pain, the pleading for the uncomfortable agony to stop. You are the captain of this ship.  Live life on life's terms. But, most importantly you must function. You must maintain a job, even if it is P/T in the corner pet shop. You can grow from there. You must stimulate your mind because you are in need of a challenge. Give yourself a challenge! But make it a positive one. Clean, Sew, build, Play with your Kids on the front lawn instead of dreaming up ways to scare the **** out of yourself. Call a friend who makes you laugh, but don't sit there and boil over. When you become dysfunctional you become depressed with these terrible feelings and terrible thoughts.
For the woman feeling suicidal, I felt your pain! I know this demon, but think of this 1 thing. Picture someone telling your child where Mommy is! That sweetheart would suffer a pain so much greater than yours. You can get help, children can never replace there mother. God is Great but that child IS your HIGHER Power. All of my heart 2 you America!!!         ***@****

[Leepy84]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  It does not solve a thing!!  Please call someone or get yourself into counseling at least for your baby's sake.  I lost my mother when I was 13 through natural causes and to this day, 40 years later, I'm still suffering because of it.  Can you imagine losing your mother because she took her own life??  Please don't put your loved ones through that.  I will pray for you.

[maggie4]

Another thought, echoing what someone else said:

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is "a bad choice on a bad day."

Do whatever you need to do to get through it and live.

I will pray. Good luck.

[maggie4]

Hi there. My heart goes out to you. I lost a long comment I just wrote. To sum up: I have struggled w/ depression my whole life so I know of what you speak. [I am now 45, with 3 great children -- 16, 13, 11 -- and I'm still married to my husband (19 years). With so many good things in my life, it's still been tough; had a very rough couple of years and checked myself into a psych hosp several months ago to keep myself from committing suicide.]

I've learned so much.

My advice: see a doctor for medication (it does help); talk to a counselor/psychologist; reach out to friends, family; read/learn everything you can (find out about "cognitive therapy") about depression.

Know this: The disease drags you down; it will twist your mind and tell you that you'd be better off dead and that your family will be better off w/out you. That's the disease talking. You don't have to listen. Life can be good again; you can recover from major depression.

Remember: ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Love & best wishes.

[chey101]

IF U HAVE MSN PLS ADD ME CHYLA_2***@****, I CAN POSSIBLY HELP U. THERE R4 THINGS WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT R PERSONAL. SORRY FIOR BEING SO BLEEK, BUT HOPE U KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT.
PLEASE JUST ADD ME SO WE CAN TALK!!!!

[chey101]

IF U HAVE MSN PLEASE ADD ME, CHYLA_2***@****.
I HAVE BEEN THOUGH THIS MYSELF AND HAVE 1 PERSON CONMIT SUICIDE AND LEFT BEHIND 4 YOUNG CHILDREN(13,11,15AND18)1 IS MY BF, AND SHE LEFT BEHIND HER 2 GRANDKIDS.
JUST PLEASE ADD ME THERE IS MORE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE BUT DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE YET.

[ledwards]

I had the same thoughts including my children would be better off without me as I was sick and maybe their fater would marry someone normal...better to have a "normal stepmother than a depressed mom".  BULL    It's exactly like what was said earlier in the thread, suicide is a bad idea on a bad day.   You WILL get better, the meds will work, it's three steps forward and two backward.  These all helped me.  TAKE THE MEDS..DEPEND ON THE FACT THAT IS MANY PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN BETTER ON THEM    I DID, YOU WILL.   IT WON'T EVER CME BACK AS BAD AS IT IS NOW...THERE IS HOPE

[GentleWarrior]

I was recently in the psychiatric hospital because of anxiety, depression and suicidial thoughts.  It was the best thing I could have done because now I am receiving treatment.  I have been taking my medication (zoloft) and meeting with a therapist every week.  I know if I continue in treatment I will recovery.  I was told in the hospital that suicidal thoughts pass and the important thing is that I reached out for help.  I have been struggling with mental illness for 6 years and I now realize it is important to stay in therapy and discuss medications (side effects etc,) with your Psychiatrist.  In the past I dropped out of treatment because I was unhappy with therapists and felt I was overmedicated by my former psychiatrist.  I have learned the hard way, that I need to advocate for myself and express all my concerns with my health providers.   I also try and learn as much as I can about my medications and my diagnosies. I like to know as much as possible about the drugs I am putting in my body.

[ledwards]

Right on, GentleWarrior!  The more we know, the more we know what not to do.  I had a terrible depressive episode about 13 years ago and I NEVER got over it, but, with therapy and meds, I am ok (most of the time).  I don't think you ever go back to where you started before the episode, but I have learned so much and helped so many people that I see a reason for it all now.  My shrink told me it will never be as bad as it was the first time!!  All we had to do was live through that one!

[GentleWarrior]

Thanks ledwards :)  You are right it does get easier.  Therapy is most important because I have learned to deal with my anxiety,  depression etc.  Medication is not a cure-all.

[ledwards]

You are totally right.  My therapist is now my mentor/friend/mother.  What a great example of God leading you to whom you need to see.  I had given up by the time I found her.  I went to a new doctor today and she put me on Buspar to take with my Zoloft temporarily.  Taken that before?  I did, but it was when I was half dead with depression so it was like spitting on a fire.

[GentleWarrior]

I have never taken Buspar before Ledwards, though I heard it is good for anxiety.  My insomonia and anxiety from the Zoloft has gone away, so I think I am okay just on Zoloft for the time being.  Take Care

[ledwards]

I already feel calmer!   Possibly in my head but I'll take it however I can get it!

[GentleWarrior]

good to hear ledwards...I am glad you are feeling better.

[ledwards]

Spoke too soon.   Weak and shaky today.   Maybe the BuSpar.   Heart beating very fast on and off.  Do we ever get well????

[GreatHope]

I'd like to just say thank you to all of you who post here. You all help and help eachother. You make hope seem so possible. I know deep with-in me that hope is always alive because if you could have felt good before, you can feel good again.

   I have my own problems and I have a lot of fears and weird fear created beliefs.

   Sometimes I fear that the mind is like the body in the way that, when you break your arm or injure a part of your body, that you will never be completely 100% again. I fear that all of these fears, traumatic experiences, feeling of numbness and odd thinking will be permanent. Like I deserve it or something.

   I understand what one person on here was saying, about his fear that he might have killed someone in the past or something. I've had weird thoughts like that before, recently though I've had seriously weird thoughts and fears of my very existence. That "this is all a dream" and that I'm not real. I've even come close to the belief that killing myself was necessary, as odd as it seems. It scares me that these imbalanced, fears, etc can have such a great effect on my mind and alter my state of rational thought at some points. The mind is very powerful, wouldn't you all agree?

   I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, what's the real difference? Psychiatrist prescribe medicine and psychologists don't ?

   I have fears of medicine. I have all these weird fears that live with-in me. I even have fears that i'm slowly becoming psychotic, like it's growing on my mind, etc. I may be obsessive compulsive with thinking, it's recently effected my sleep.

I wish all of you luck, please wish it for me. :)

[A Sensitive]

A site I've found particularly helpful and one that answered questions about thoughts and experiences I thought only I had is one about "HSP," "Highly Sensetive People."  I discovered myself in it and found some relief.  Maybe you will, too.

[newdad115]

Thank God I found you all and this site.  I relate to almost everything you all have said!  The overwhelming feelings of guilt that didn't make any sense ... to the convincing myself that I had done really bad things in the past!  I have been coping with OCD, depression and anxiety for about 5 years now.  I have been on several different meds but am currently on Paxil.  I woke up one morning about a year ago and all of the sudden realized everything was ok.  I felt great and healed all of the sudden! Life was good again and things were in focus.  I was living it up and enjoying things all over again.  Only recently have things started to creep back in my life.  i have been married to my high school sweethear for 4 years now and we just had our first child.  I have a good job, some really great friends and even started to break into my dream of becoming an actor. Things are really looking well for me and my family.  Then w/out reason or cause .. I was on my way home listening to talk radio , when a relatioship counselor began talking to people about failed marriages.  People were calling in with stories of divorce, cheating and marriage breakdowns.  All of the sudden I became really depressed.  I began to feel like all marriages would eventually end in divorce.  It felt like no matter what that divorce would always be inevitable.  This scared me very much.  My wife and I have a great relationship and are loving being new parents.  This didn't really seem to matter .. it all felt like it would someday end. My parents divorced when I was in 9th grade. It devistated me b/c the marriage seemed perfect! All I knew was that something that seemed perfect could end seemingly over night.  My parents wanted   to discuss details with me but I told them I didn't want to know.  I still don't want to know. I am worried that the reasons may ruin my image of them I guess. When I got home I told my wife about my episode, and she consoled me.  I felt better.  Yesterday, I got depressed again .. I have no idea why.  I was getting bored and all of the sudden it turned to depression.  Then I started to beat myself up b/c I was thinking that i was a bad father b/c I was letting all of this come back into my life and what kind of a father would do that!?  I can't help it , and I hate that about myself.  I pray every night that my son isn't inflicted with the same handicap as myself.  The guilt I put on myself for reasons that don't even exist is incredible.  How do I stop these feelings??  Also , I get bad thoughts sometimes.  Things pop into my head that shouldn't.  I am the type of person that would not hurt a fly , however I have really brief thoughts of hurting someone. The thoughts disgust me and I would never act on them .. I always feel guilty about them though.  Thereseems to be nothing I can do about them.  I am scared to tell anyone b/c I would be mortified if anyone took it the wrong way or was scared by the fact.  oes anyone else have these problems?

God Bless