Disturbing Thoughts

[jd4]

My anxiety started a little over a year ago.  I was put on Paxil and did very well and after seven months went off slowly with my doctor's help.  Since then I experienced occasional anxiety and panic attacks so I started to go to counseling.  This seemed to help and I was doing very well up to about a month ago.  The anxiety came back, but this time I was worked up over something that seemed so ridiculous.  I thought back to an episode in high school-seven years ago, where I cheated in a class and I started to feel really guilty and upset over it.  My anxiety was horrible.  I couldn't eat had trouble sleeping and I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't let the thought go.  Somehow I was able to recover without meds that time.  I went back to counseling and was feeling better and then just a few days ago it came back even worse this time.  Since the last episode of panic where I was worried about the cheating I would wake up most mornings feeling anxious but it would dissapate as I got up and ready for the day.  The other morning though I woke up from a disturbing dream where I had hurt my brother and when I woke up I felt really upset as I had in my dream and the anxiety was there worse than usual and so I laid in bed trying to analyze what it all meant.  Why was I getting so worked up?  Then this thought came to my mind which I know was completely ridiculous but it freaked me out.  The thought was that maybe all of this anxiety comes from something horrible I did in my past--like that I killed someone and supressed it in my memory and that is why I have all of this anxiety.  I know that part of it comes from the distubing dream and also from overanalyzing the whole cheating incident.  I kept thinking there must be more to it than the cheating, and somehow my mind came to the disturbing conclusion that I killed someone.  I know that the thought is completely absurd.  I would never and have never hurt anyone in my life.  But I can't let go of these thoughts and now I feel like I am losing my mind.  I went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed me Zoloft.  I've been feeling better already even though it's only been a couple of days, but I still wake up in the morning with this horrible anxiety and disturbing thoughts.  I get so worked up that I am convinced I must be going crazy.  I've read other message boards about the anxiety people experience, but no one seems to have these same disturbing thoughts that I do, which makes me feel like maybe there is something more wrong with me, maybe I am losing my mind.  I guess I just want to know that I am not crazy.  I can't get in to see my counselor till Monday, but I just need some reassurance now.  I don't understand why this is happening.  When my anxiety first started I never had upsetting thoughts like this.  Does this mean I'm getting worse?  I've been wondering if it's possibly a form of OCD.  Please tell me how I can make these thoughts go away and get back to my old self.

[new yorker]

There is hope. I have been suffering with anxiety for about 7 months and let me tell you it has been hard.  I went from feeling like jumping out of my skin, to severe confusion to vision problems and other various severe symptoms.  It was affecting my life and my job. I decided to talk to a friend and she helped me with doing research on the internet.  It was time to fight, even though that is easier said then done, it had to be done. I tried a physicarist and meds but I felt the doc didnt really seem to care the meds made me feel worse I tried zoloft it had me contemplating suicide I immediately stopped using it,  it may work for some but not me. My friend and I  got back on the computer and found a self help set complete with workbook and cassettes.  These helped me a whole lot, it got me to learn how to self talk and calm my self down. Currently I am in the obsessive thinking stage.  I keep thinking that I am going crazy it feels so real but deep down inside I know its just a thought, and like everything else with anxiety it takes time to beat.  I think my attacks are subconscious because I do not feel as anxious as before. Sometimes my mind goes blank and my concentration is off. Currently I am suffering with severe tension headaches.  But all in all I feel much better than 7 months ago.  The way I see overcoming anxiety is to speak with a friend, do research, see a therapist, get meds  if you need them. I found this web site to be useful and this is the first time that I have responded and plan to continue coming back and reading and posting to keep the lines of communication open for each other. I have recently found out that several of my coworkers have anxiety or have had and recovered from it. Being able to speak with them makes me feel good knowing that I am  not the only one with certain symptoms and that anxiety can be defeated.  So lets start communicating and help each other to overcome anxiety. I will be back to check this site every day and reply to any one who writes.

[newdad115]

Thank God I found you all and this site.  I relate to almost everything you all have said!  The overwhelming feelings of guilt that didn't make any sense ... to the convincing myself that I had done really bad things in the past!  I have been coping with OCD, depression and anxiety for about 5 years now.  I have been on several different meds but am currently on Paxil.  I woke up one morning about a year ago and all of the sudden realized everything was ok.  I felt great and healed all of the sudden! Life was good again and things were in focus.  I was living it up and enjoying things all over again.  Only recently have things started to creep back in my life.  i have been married to my high school sweethear for 4 years now and we just had our first child.  I have a good job, some really great friends and even started to break into my dream of becoming an actor. Things are really looking well for me and my family.  Then w/out reason or cause .. I was on my way home listening to talk radio , when a relatioship counselor began talking to people about failed marriages.  People were calling in with stories of divorce, cheating and marriage breakdowns.  All of the sudden I became really depressed.  I began to feel like all marriages would eventually end in divorce.  It felt like no matter what that divorce would always be inevitable.  This scared me very much.  My wife and I have a great relationship and are loving being new parents.  This didn't really seem to matter .. it all felt like it would someday end. My parents divorced when I was in 9th grade. It devistated me b/c the marriage seemed perfect! All I knew was that something that seemed perfect could end seemingly over night.  My parents wanted   to discuss details with me but I told them I didn't want to know.  I still don't want to know. I am worried that the reasons may ruin my image of them I guess. When I got home I told my wife about my episode, and she consoled me.  I felt better.  Yesterday, I got depressed again .. I have no idea why.  I was getting bored and all of the sudden it turned to depression.  Then I started to beat myself up b/c I was thinking that i was a bad father b/c I was letting all of this come back into my life and what kind of a father would do that!?  I can't help it , and I hate that about myself.  I pray every night that my son isn't inflicted with the same handicap as myself.  The guilt I put on myself for reasons that don't even exist is incredible.  How do I stop these feelings??  Also , I get bad thoughts sometimes.  Things pop into my head that shouldn't.  I am the type of person that would not hurt a fly , however I have really brief thoughts of hurting someone. The thoughts disgust me and I would never act on them .. I always feel guilty about them though.  Thereseems to be nothing I can do about them.  I am scared to tell anyone b/c I would be mortified if anyone took it the wrong way or was scared by the fact.  oes anyone else have these problems?

God Bless

[A Sensitive]

A site I've found particularly helpful and one that answered questions about thoughts and experiences I thought only I had is one about "HSP," "Highly Sensetive People."  I discovered myself in it and found some relief.  Maybe you will, too.

[GreatHope]

I'd like to just say thank you to all of you who post here. You all help and help eachother. You make hope seem so possible. I know deep with-in me that hope is always alive because if you could have felt good before, you can feel good again.

   I have my own problems and I have a lot of fears and weird fear created beliefs.

   Sometimes I fear that the mind is like the body in the way that, when you break your arm or injure a part of your body, that you will never be completely 100% again. I fear that all of these fears, traumatic experiences, feeling of numbness and odd thinking will be permanent. Like I deserve it or something.

   I understand what one person on here was saying, about his fear that he might have killed someone in the past or something. I've had weird thoughts like that before, recently though I've had seriously weird thoughts and fears of my very existence. That "this is all a dream" and that I'm not real. I've even come close to the belief that killing myself was necessary, as odd as it seems. It scares me that these imbalanced, fears, etc can have such a great effect on my mind and alter my state of rational thought at some points. The mind is very powerful, wouldn't you all agree?

   I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, what's the real difference? Psychiatrist prescribe medicine and psychologists don't ?

   I have fears of medicine. I have all these weird fears that live with-in me. I even have fears that i'm slowly becoming psychotic, like it's growing on my mind, etc. I may be obsessive compulsive with thinking, it's recently effected my sleep.

I wish all of you luck, please wish it for me. :)

[ledwards]

Spoke too soon.   Weak and shaky today.   Maybe the BuSpar.   Heart beating very fast on and off.  Do we ever get well????

[GentleWarrior]

good to hear ledwards...I am glad you are feeling better.