Disturbing Thoughts

[jd4]

My anxiety started a little over a year ago.  I was put on Paxil and did very well and after seven months went off slowly with my doctor's help.  Since then I experienced occasional anxiety and panic attacks so I started to go to counseling.  This seemed to help and I was doing very well up to about a month ago.  The anxiety came back, but this time I was worked up over something that seemed so ridiculous.  I thought back to an episode in high school-seven years ago, where I cheated in a class and I started to feel really guilty and upset over it.  My anxiety was horrible.  I couldn't eat had trouble sleeping and I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't let the thought go.  Somehow I was able to recover without meds that time.  I went back to counseling and was feeling better and then just a few days ago it came back even worse this time.  Since the last episode of panic where I was worried about the cheating I would wake up most mornings feeling anxious but it would dissapate as I got up and ready for the day.  The other morning though I woke up from a disturbing dream where I had hurt my brother and when I woke up I felt really upset as I had in my dream and the anxiety was there worse than usual and so I laid in bed trying to analyze what it all meant.  Why was I getting so worked up?  Then this thought came to my mind which I know was completely ridiculous but it freaked me out.  The thought was that maybe all of this anxiety comes from something horrible I did in my past--like that I killed someone and supressed it in my memory and that is why I have all of this anxiety.  I know that part of it comes from the distubing dream and also from overanalyzing the whole cheating incident.  I kept thinking there must be more to it than the cheating, and somehow my mind came to the disturbing conclusion that I killed someone.  I know that the thought is completely absurd.  I would never and have never hurt anyone in my life.  But I can't let go of these thoughts and now I feel like I am losing my mind.  I went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed me Zoloft.  I've been feeling better already even though it's only been a couple of days, but I still wake up in the morning with this horrible anxiety and disturbing thoughts.  I get so worked up that I am convinced I must be going crazy.  I've read other message boards about the anxiety people experience, but no one seems to have these same disturbing thoughts that I do, which makes me feel like maybe there is something more wrong with me, maybe I am losing my mind.  I guess I just want to know that I am not crazy.  I can't get in to see my counselor till Monday, but I just need some reassurance now.  I don't understand why this is happening.  When my anxiety first started I never had upsetting thoughts like this.  Does this mean I'm getting worse?  I've been wondering if it's possibly a form of OCD.  Please tell me how I can make these thoughts go away and get back to my old self.

[Littlewhip325]

I am not a Doctor, not even a therapist. But one thing I know is Panic and Anxiety and if 1 person takes a part of this with them I am fine with that. Anxiety is broken into many parts and phases. The first part being irrational, caotic thinking. We need to be mind stimulated because we are always over-analyzing everything, even rediculous thoughts. We do this because we are negative people, we taught ourselves this behavior. It needs to be unlearned! These crazy thoughts are just that, stupid, meaningless thoughts because we are wonderful people! I know the dread, the pain, the pleading for the uncomfortable agony to stop. You are the captain of this ship.  Live life on life's terms. But, most importantly you must function. You must maintain a job, even if it is P/T in the corner pet shop. You can grow from there. You must stimulate your mind because you are in need of a challenge. Give yourself a challenge! But make it a positive one. Clean, Sew, build, Play with your Kids on the front lawn instead of dreaming up ways to scare the **** out of yourself. Call a friend who makes you laugh, but don't sit there and boil over. When you become dysfunctional you become depressed with these terrible feelings and terrible thoughts.
For the woman feeling suicidal, I felt your pain! I know this demon, but think of this 1 thing. Picture someone telling your child where Mommy is! That sweetheart would suffer a pain so much greater than yours. You can get help, children can never replace there mother. God is Great but that child IS your HIGHER Power. All of my heart 2 you America!!!         ***@****

[3rdMajor]

Irrational guilt is a common symptom of depression, as is problems with appetite and sleep.  Jails are full of people who have committed homicides, yet they have no problems sleeping, they have normal appetites, and feel no remorse. Your guilt is undeserved.
I remember a story from the book "The Broken Brain" by Dr Nancy Andreasson.  A depressed woman felt such guilt as yours.  She had taken office pens home from her place of work.  She was so distraught with guilt, that she went to her boss and confessed.  He chuckled and told her she had been a faithful and valued employee for years and years, and she should forget about it.  She wasnt satisfied.  The guilt was so strong that she went to the police station and turned herself in, seeking relief from her sense of guilt.  The police refused to take the report, and she eventually got a psychaitric assessment and she was treated for depression, and the irrational guilt lifted.
You state that you did well on paxil, but now that you are off, you are experiencing panic attacks and symptoms of guilt, loss of appetite, and problems sleeping.  You should discuss with your doctor, the option of going back on paxil while you continue with your counselling.
ps.  I have experienced the feelings of guilt when I was in a depressed state, and I can say that it will resolve with proper treatment.  
Good luck

[worried one here]

This message is to joey's mama.
Please contact a counselor, friend, family member or a support from church or even a suicide hotline.  I just had a baby 6 months ago and I know that raising a child can be really overwhelming at times and can cause stress and depression.  Your life is a gift as is the life of your child.  Please continue to reach out to get help.  My favorite life motto when things get tough is "This too shall pass."  It's carried me through some really hard times.  I too sufferred from depression and I know that it can be hard to see the light but if you just hold on and reach for help, you will be ok.  I PROMISE!
I was going online for a neurological problem but feel that I stumbled into your message for a reason.

[Try_to_be_social]

Don

[Joey'smama]

I have anxiety, I feel like i am crawling out of my skin all the time, but i have a bigger problem i am close to committing suicide, i think about it all day long i don't know what to do i need help or advice i need something, i have a little boy who needs me but then again i think that he is better off with out me.  i don't know i am so lost and confused i wish that i could just be happy but i never have been and i never will be.i will any advice on this subject that any one could give me, please help me!

[Marie32]

Be CAREFUL -

I was on Celexa for 10 months. I noticed "tics" involving the left side of my face/neck/shoulder shortly after the dosage was increased to 40mg, that got worse over time. After withdrawing from the drug (which was horrible itself), the movements got much worse. They have stabalized, but have not gotten better. I have Tardive Dyskinesia. I live every day, all day, and worse in the evening with horrible involuntary movements that are constant (about one movement a second). These movements are so strong that my entire upper body is moved by them. The only relief I get is when I sleep, they disappear.

If anyone ever notices involuntary movements on SSRI's, even if those movements seem trivial, TELL YOUR DOCTOR, and make them listen to you! Mine told me not to worry, for months, until it was too late.

Celexa is supposed to be the one SSRI with the least side effects of them all, so perhaps this problem could happen more frequently with the others.