Disturbing Thoughts

[jd4]

My anxiety started a little over a year ago.  I was put on Paxil and did very well and after seven months went off slowly with my doctor's help.  Since then I experienced occasional anxiety and panic attacks so I started to go to counseling.  This seemed to help and I was doing very well up to about a month ago.  The anxiety came back, but this time I was worked up over something that seemed so ridiculous.  I thought back to an episode in high school-seven years ago, where I cheated in a class and I started to feel really guilty and upset over it.  My anxiety was horrible.  I couldn't eat had trouble sleeping and I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't let the thought go.  Somehow I was able to recover without meds that time.  I went back to counseling and was feeling better and then just a few days ago it came back even worse this time.  Since the last episode of panic where I was worried about the cheating I would wake up most mornings feeling anxious but it would dissapate as I got up and ready for the day.  The other morning though I woke up from a disturbing dream where I had hurt my brother and when I woke up I felt really upset as I had in my dream and the anxiety was there worse than usual and so I laid in bed trying to analyze what it all meant.  Why was I getting so worked up?  Then this thought came to my mind which I know was completely ridiculous but it freaked me out.  The thought was that maybe all of this anxiety comes from something horrible I did in my past--like that I killed someone and supressed it in my memory and that is why I have all of this anxiety.  I know that part of it comes from the distubing dream and also from overanalyzing the whole cheating incident.  I kept thinking there must be more to it than the cheating, and somehow my mind came to the disturbing conclusion that I killed someone.  I know that the thought is completely absurd.  I would never and have never hurt anyone in my life.  But I can't let go of these thoughts and now I feel like I am losing my mind.  I went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed me Zoloft.  I've been feeling better already even though it's only been a couple of days, but I still wake up in the morning with this horrible anxiety and disturbing thoughts.  I get so worked up that I am convinced I must be going crazy.  I've read other message boards about the anxiety people experience, but no one seems to have these same disturbing thoughts that I do, which makes me feel like maybe there is something more wrong with me, maybe I am losing my mind.  I guess I just want to know that I am not crazy.  I can't get in to see my counselor till Monday, but I just need some reassurance now.  I don't understand why this is happening.  When my anxiety first started I never had upsetting thoughts like this.  Does this mean I'm getting worse?  I've been wondering if it's possibly a form of OCD.  Please tell me how I can make these thoughts go away and get back to my old self.

[ledwards]

I had the same thoughts including my children would be better off without me as I was sick and maybe their fater would marry someone normal...better to have a "normal stepmother than a depressed mom".  BULL    It's exactly like what was said earlier in the thread, suicide is a bad idea on a bad day.   You WILL get better, the meds will work, it's three steps forward and two backward.  These all helped me.  TAKE THE MEDS..DEPEND ON THE FACT THAT IS MANY PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN BETTER ON THEM    I DID, YOU WILL.   IT WON'T EVER CME BACK AS BAD AS IT IS NOW...THERE IS HOPE

[chey101]

IF U HAVE MSN PLEASE ADD ME, CHYLA_2***@****.
I HAVE BEEN THOUGH THIS MYSELF AND HAVE 1 PERSON CONMIT SUICIDE AND LEFT BEHIND 4 YOUNG CHILDREN(13,11,15AND18)1 IS MY BF, AND SHE LEFT BEHIND HER 2 GRANDKIDS.
JUST PLEASE ADD ME THERE IS MORE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE BUT DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE YET.

[chey101]

IF U HAVE MSN PLS ADD ME CHYLA_2***@****, I CAN POSSIBLY HELP U. THERE R4 THINGS WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT R PERSONAL. SORRY FIOR BEING SO BLEEK, BUT HOPE U KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT.
PLEASE JUST ADD ME SO WE CAN TALK!!!!

[maggie4]

Hi there. My heart goes out to you. I lost a long comment I just wrote. To sum up: I have struggled w/ depression my whole life so I know of what you speak. [I am now 45, with 3 great children -- 16, 13, 11 -- and I'm still married to my husband (19 years). With so many good things in my life, it's still been tough; had a very rough couple of years and checked myself into a psych hosp several months ago to keep myself from committing suicide.]

I've learned so much.

My advice: see a doctor for medication (it does help); talk to a counselor/psychologist; reach out to friends, family; read/learn everything you can (find out about "cognitive therapy") about depression.

Know this: The disease drags you down; it will twist your mind and tell you that you'd be better off dead and that your family will be better off w/out you. That's the disease talking. You don't have to listen. Life can be good again; you can recover from major depression.

Remember: ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Love & best wishes.

[maggie4]

Another thought, echoing what someone else said:

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is "a bad choice on a bad day."

Do whatever you need to do to get through it and live.

I will pray. Good luck.

[Leepy84]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  It does not solve a thing!!  Please call someone or get yourself into counseling at least for your baby's sake.  I lost my mother when I was 13 through natural causes and to this day, 40 years later, I'm still suffering because of it.  Can you imagine losing your mother because she took her own life??  Please don't put your loved ones through that.  I will pray for you.