Disturbing Thoughts

[jd4]

My anxiety started a little over a year ago.  I was put on Paxil and did very well and after seven months went off slowly with my doctor's help.  Since then I experienced occasional anxiety and panic attacks so I started to go to counseling.  This seemed to help and I was doing very well up to about a month ago.  The anxiety came back, but this time I was worked up over something that seemed so ridiculous.  I thought back to an episode in high school-seven years ago, where I cheated in a class and I started to feel really guilty and upset over it.  My anxiety was horrible.  I couldn't eat had trouble sleeping and I knew I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't let the thought go.  Somehow I was able to recover without meds that time.  I went back to counseling and was feeling better and then just a few days ago it came back even worse this time.  Since the last episode of panic where I was worried about the cheating I would wake up most mornings feeling anxious but it would dissapate as I got up and ready for the day.  The other morning though I woke up from a disturbing dream where I had hurt my brother and when I woke up I felt really upset as I had in my dream and the anxiety was there worse than usual and so I laid in bed trying to analyze what it all meant.  Why was I getting so worked up?  Then this thought came to my mind which I know was completely ridiculous but it freaked me out.  The thought was that maybe all of this anxiety comes from something horrible I did in my past--like that I killed someone and supressed it in my memory and that is why I have all of this anxiety.  I know that part of it comes from the distubing dream and also from overanalyzing the whole cheating incident.  I kept thinking there must be more to it than the cheating, and somehow my mind came to the disturbing conclusion that I killed someone.  I know that the thought is completely absurd.  I would never and have never hurt anyone in my life.  But I can't let go of these thoughts and now I feel like I am losing my mind.  I went to the doctor the other day and she prescribed me Zoloft.  I've been feeling better already even though it's only been a couple of days, but I still wake up in the morning with this horrible anxiety and disturbing thoughts.  I get so worked up that I am convinced I must be going crazy.  I've read other message boards about the anxiety people experience, but no one seems to have these same disturbing thoughts that I do, which makes me feel like maybe there is something more wrong with me, maybe I am losing my mind.  I guess I just want to know that I am not crazy.  I can't get in to see my counselor till Monday, but I just need some reassurance now.  I don't understand why this is happening.  When my anxiety first started I never had upsetting thoughts like this.  Does this mean I'm getting worse?  I've been wondering if it's possibly a form of OCD.  Please tell me how I can make these thoughts go away and get back to my old self.

[ledwards]

I already feel calmer!   Possibly in my head but I'll take it however I can get it!

[GentleWarrior]

I have never taken Buspar before Ledwards, though I heard it is good for anxiety.  My insomonia and anxiety from the Zoloft has gone away, so I think I am okay just on Zoloft for the time being.  Take Care

[ledwards]

You are totally right.  My therapist is now my mentor/friend/mother.  What a great example of God leading you to whom you need to see.  I had given up by the time I found her.  I went to a new doctor today and she put me on Buspar to take with my Zoloft temporarily.  Taken that before?  I did, but it was when I was half dead with depression so it was like spitting on a fire.

[GentleWarrior]

Thanks ledwards :)  You are right it does get easier.  Therapy is most important because I have learned to deal with my anxiety,  depression etc.  Medication is not a cure-all.

[ledwards]

Right on, GentleWarrior!  The more we know, the more we know what not to do.  I had a terrible depressive episode about 13 years ago and I NEVER got over it, but, with therapy and meds, I am ok (most of the time).  I don't think you ever go back to where you started before the episode, but I have learned so much and helped so many people that I see a reason for it all now.  My shrink told me it will never be as bad as it was the first time!!  All we had to do was live through that one!

[GentleWarrior]

I was recently in the psychiatric hospital because of anxiety, depression and suicidial thoughts.  It was the best thing I could have done because now I am receiving treatment.  I have been taking my medication (zoloft) and meeting with a therapist every week.  I know if I continue in treatment I will recovery.  I was told in the hospital that suicidal thoughts pass and the important thing is that I reached out for help.  I have been struggling with mental illness for 6 years and I now realize it is important to stay in therapy and discuss medications (side effects etc,) with your Psychiatrist.  In the past I dropped out of treatment because I was unhappy with therapists and felt I was overmedicated by my former psychiatrist.  I have learned the hard way, that I need to advocate for myself and express all my concerns with my health providers.   I also try and learn as much as I can about my medications and my diagnosies. I like to know as much as possible about the drugs I am putting in my body.