Depressed from birth?

[LR86]

all my life ive been sad, as a child i wet the bed every single night (until I was 15 and due to an abusive step-father got kicked out (I was finding ways I could leave anyway) and sucked on my thumb when nobody was looking (i used to get in trouble if i was caught sucking my thumb) i had a very bad childhood and a very unusuall upbriging i moved so many times i never settled down anywhere and at 12 i moved to england (from USA). when i was a teenager i started getting suicidal and i would do really bad things to myself until i got so scared it would calm me down. I was never ever happy even when things were good. (I was also told later by my sister that the tablets I used to take (I was told it was for wetting the bed) were really tranquilisers can that be true?)) later as an adult I found some ways to work through it or so I thought but I started noticing a change now instead of always being sad or just not bothered (or particularly as a child (very very moody very bad mood swings)) im finding days where everything is great and im so high I don’t know what to do with myself on those days I cant even sit still I just figit and get excited about even the smallest thing (the sky looking pretty, the dog a meal I made) I was beginning to think I had adhd (my brother has it) but none of those sympotoms really rang true for me. But the highs wouldn’t last long and before I know it everythings dark again. Its always in the extremes and I find it extremely hard to cope. When I had my miscarriage the only way I got through it was to smoke pot every day every hour I was awake and then sleep and I mean sleep even now I can go to sleep now within a few minutes on a bed I can get to sleep any time of day and then really sleep easy 16 hours get up eat something and go back to sleep (ive done it many times especially when I cry) I tried some depression tablets that I got from my doctor but I went wacky on them within a week and never took them again. Im now 11 weeks preganant and im scared all this 'emotional trama' will be felt by the baby. Im more in control now then ever but I don’t know how long that will last and im still suffering from the high then the low. I cant concentrate at work and I get irritable with my colugues then I feel so guilty I cant face them the next day. Please give me some advise I always blamed it on my past but I need to fix this its effecting my self esteme (even though its always been low) and now im pregnant I cant mask it with weed. Also I think its effecting my health I recently had a stomach ulcer I don’t drink any alcohol at all or any other drugs ever and im only 21.

Any comments will be helpful thank you,


Lori

[Jade59]

Lori, please take a look at "borderline personality disorder".  Just google it.  I'm feeling anxious today and my thoughts are scattered...otherwise, I would have so much more to say to you because I can totally relate.  

[Venora Moonwind]

You need to get a psychiatrist a get evaluated you sound bi polar and also a therapist to get out all the stuff left in your head from childhood. this would help you so much.If you are bi polar, meds and therapy can totally control this disease.I am bi polar myself. the reason you went wacky on the antidepressant is because you didnt have any thing for the  manic phase.
You are in my prayers. this thing can be beaten.Let me know how you are.
Love Venora