does anyone relate to how I feel?

[laress86]

I am a 23 year old wife to a mother of a four year old boy. Where to start, when i first found out I was pregnant with my son I was emotional, I wanted to abort him, I didn't tho, I spoke to a councellor breifly with my husband, and he wanted to keep him, so i swolled my feelings and had him, I didn't mind the pregnancy i was ok, but prior to my pregnancy i had dramas in my life, I wasn't talking to my father coz 2 years before hand I caught my 66 year old father in bed with my best friend who was 16 at the time, she tried to say she was raped, when she wasn't, I stopped talking to her because of my family as i did what i thought was right. round my 21st birthday the final court was on and my fatehr was convicted guilty. taht was the day of my 21st b.day, then 2 days later he died before he could be sentenced. back to my parenting feelings, when my son was born I didn't feel the bond, i told my closest friends and they said it was just the blues, I put it aside and just kept telling myself it's just blue i will get over it, during the first 3 months of his life, I barely slept coz he wouldn't sleep, he would cry alot and i use to ask my g/f's or mother to come round when my partner was at work coz i didn't trust myself with him, coz i felt i would hurt him, has the years went on i stoped asking for help coz people said i was fine, but 2 years ago my hubby asked me to get help, i snapped at him, i'm a really snappy person since i've had my boy. I said there was nothing wrong then, i felt like my whole world came crashing down at once like my whole world and past had hit me, I started doing silly things, I cheated on my huband and I hit my child when i'm at boiling point and i mean, i would thro him to the ground, i'm now on depression tablets and seeking help for myself, but the hard thing is too my son is so hard to look after he has been diagnosed with developmental delays he can't speak properly, his behind in alot of areas and it's fustraing, he winges alot and this really gets to me, i just want to run away and leave him. I only love my son like 70-80-%, i feel i'm a really bad mum/person the other percentage i hate him with a passion and because of that i could leave him, adopt him out. I feel i only stay around because i love my husband, but deep down I'm not happy. I don't know what to do anymore, again i am seeking help and i'm on medication but it doesn't help with how i really feel, I am also getting perfessional help with his behavior and speech. she tells me i need to spend time with him, but i don't want to, i just want to do my thing. mid april i miscarried and when i was pregnant i was the happiest i had been since i was 16, because i really wanted to be pregnant and have this child, i actually loved the child(fetus) but i have people telling me to not have another child until i work things out with my son, but the thing is i feel i could never forcefully change my feeing towards my son...maybe in time i might, but right now i cant, all i want is a baby but the prob is i know i will prop have that bond with the nxt child and love it more than my son.

Prob is i'm at my wits end and i can't keep going/living/feeling lke i do...does anyone have any suggestions ideas for me.

right now i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know what to do at all, i'm at my wits ends.

also does anyone feel they hate their child and want to leave or could adopt them out, i hope i'm not alone on this.

[cfstorey]

First off, i'm sure you're not alone. secondly - i've never a child, so i can't relate. I just wanted to suggest that maybe your mom take the baby for awhile, just while you're getting used to your medications. Alot of the time the docs have to tweak the medicines before they find what is just right for you and that could take weeks or months before you feel any differently. Getting help is the best thing you can do right now, other than getting your medications right. It seems like you kind of had your teenage years stolen from you and weren't ready to be a mom. Its not anything you can change now, you just have to accept that you are a mom and a wife and try to handle it the best you can. Which i truly think you are doing. Is your husband your son's father? If not, maybe the father can take your son. Some mother's never bond with their children. Keep seeking help, try to find away to put space between you and your son while your medications build up in your system and you see the professionals for help. That would be my suggestion - but i'm no professional and someone else may have better advice than me. Keep me updated - and write me anytime! - love - Cathi

[mammo]

I don't think you will ever accept your son, and PPD doesn't last this long.  You should not have any other children since you can't bond nor want to bond with your son.  You need to get some serious help and ask your husband to raise the boy, he deserves more than you are able or willing to give him.  We've all had traumatic events in our lives but you don't and cannot take this out on your child or husband. You never wanted this child and to bring another one into this world and treat the two of them differently is very wrong and unfair to your son!  It's no wonder he has problems. I'm normally much more understanding with people, but this is the saddest story, and I feel so sorry for your son!

[laress86]

I think u are right mammo, but why can't i have the happiness i deserve instead of always trying to make others happy considering thats all i have ever tried to do my whole life.

maybe it's possible for me to leave and recover and come back, as far as a second child ITS WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE.

one of  the hardest things to that all my friends are busy with their lives and i have no one during the day ne more, my best friend use to help me out big time she kept me "on my feet" but she left to be with my bro and now i very rarely get out of the house. I'm also afraid of doing things alone.

And has far has the bonding with my son goes, i am/have tried everything, i am seeking professional help from different people, i talk to my doc often but nothing changes my feeling, i also breast fed him for 9 mth when he was a bub and i still didn't bond properly.

I just feel lost and i don't know what i want ne more.

another thing is too i had a miscarriage 2 mths ago and out of all the time i have been with my hubby I was actually happy coz it's what i wanted.

[mammo]

Having a child that loves you unconditonally should be enough to keep you happy and occupied. When I was single with 3 babies ages 4 and under I felt they were all I needed or wanted and my life has never been about me, my needs or wants. My kids were my life.  This is not fair to this little boy, but I give you credit for trying.  But unless you get some serious help, you cannot bring another child into this world, you are not ready and you would be rasing a wanted and loved child with an unwanted, unloved child, how do you think this would work out? Please talk to your husband about this because you say you throw your son to the floor, this is child abuse!  You're taking your anger out on him, it's not right.  I don't understand how you could want one baby and not the other, hopefully the specialists can figure this out. Maybe you should move in with a relative and let your husband raise the boy, someone who will love, guide, and nurture him.  He didn't ask to be brought into this world, he deserves so much more than this.  Please talk to your husband, my heart is breaking for this little boy.

[laress86]

you think I don't understand all of what you had said, went i lash out at him, i hate it, I know sometimes he is scared of me when he sees red in my eyes, but when he is being good and the happy child i want him to be, he comes and gives me cuddles and i give them back and tell him i love him coz apart of me does, tahts why I am seeking help, if i didn't care for him at all i wouldn't be thinking about leaving him to someone who could raise him better, i have spoken to my husband and he wants whats best for our son and i, i just feel i can't do anymore but leave, but if ileave i will break my husband and my sons heart because they both do love me, but the hardst thing is i can't love them enough in return, because i don't love myself anymore. I hate who I have become, I ahte how unhappy i am, If i could change my feelings overnight i would do it in a flash but i can't control my feelings, it's just how i feel and only time can change my feeling but in the mean time i'm trying my hardest to help that process what the question is if i need to change my thoughts before i can change my feelings and thats why i have taken it upon myself to go see a phychatris, who i was told can help me in this feild as where a social worker couldn't.

[laress86]

the one thing I do do properly is i make sure he is fed, clothed, he doesn't eat junk, i never let him out of my sight, i do care for his welfare thats why i'm considering the least alternative. it's just growing the balls to tell my hubby i need to leave, i just can't bring myself to hurt him again. coz all i've done is my life is make stupid mistakes and hurt people and i'm sick of it

[mammo]

You say "I hate him with a passion," these are very strong words.  It doesn't matter  how bad you feel after hitting the boy, it's that it's even happening.  We all make mistakes in life, it's about learning from these mistakes and becoming a better person.  I know you're in a bad place right now and with help you can get your life back, but until then there's an unwanted little boy and he is who this is about.  I've lost a son, so it's difficult for me to even wrap my head around this.

[laress86]

I'm sorry for your loss but I was hoping to actually hear from someone who may have gone thro what I am, I'm on here for help not to be told off. I want to know other peoples stories relating to mine, I want to know I'm not lone and that there is light at the other end of the tunnel to this.