I am furious with my husband because got my beloved 12 year old yorkie killed..

[Gaga4gaga]

I am so devastated. Last week my husband let my yorkie out while I was taking a bath and did not tell me until i was desperate to find him two hour later. My husband and I have argued before about letting him out unattended because he was getting senile. It was at night and he was almost deaf and did not see well. Long story short, I spent the entire night searching for him and when daylight came a neighbor found him dead in their yard. Somehow within the two hours I didn't know he was out, he got out of our fence and stumbled 4 blocks away. I am very angry with my husband for his carelessness and the fact that he forgot he was out and didn't even bother to watch him. I have cried for 4 straight days. He was my baby and irreplaceable. I do not know how I will ever be able to forgive him. To add insult to injury, he argued with me for an hour that he was IN THE HOUSE before he remembered he let him out. AN ENTIRE HOUR that I could've been searching for my dog. He did not accompany me to look of him. I drove all over most of the night searching for him but it was fruitless. The grief and guilt of not being a better pet mom is killing me. HELP PLEASE.

[specialmom]

Oh my, that's new info that your husband totally isolates you like that.  And yet he is gone for 14 hours!  You sound torn with loving him and hating this life.  But emotionally abusive people find someone to be with that have their own issues (this is said with compassion) that don't allow them to be in healthy relationships.  This is a dance that two people do together, both with dysfunctional habits and thinking.  I do think too, sadly, often women feel trapped.  If you could snap your fingers tomorrow, either you gaga or you twin, would you be living without your partners?  

What kind of counseling do you do?  I am trying to remember from your other post what was said about this.  That seems a very important emotional outlet and way to get clarity on this situation.  

It takes a good long time to get over loss of a pet and especially when that pet filled a void for us.  hugs

[specialmom]

So, how are you doing?  How are things with your husband after a few days?  I've been thinking about you.

[Gaga4gaga]

Still not great. I am having a hard time forgiving him as I see what he did as almost a direct attack on me. He says he was so tired that night from working 14 hours that day that he didn't even process that he let him out because he was napping on the couch and he was scratching to go out so he got up and let him out and laid back down and went to sleep. I could never let my dogs out and just forget about them. Even when I had pneumonia this past year I got up and waited for them to do their business in chair and then let them back in. I know that I have some serious mental health issues going on and I need help. I also know that I am not happy... I can't fake it anymore. I am just lonely and I feel that way most of the time. My husband works long hours and has since we have been married. My loneliness has gotten worse since our daughter moved out.  He likes to keep me isolated. If I get a good friend he will eventually run her off. He does not like me going places without him ever. I can go to work, get groceries or whatever but i am  never to have a girls day that I don't come home and he acts like a fool. Therefore, I stopped trying to have girl friends years ago. It wasn't worth getting cussed out over a pedicure and a margarita. He is not always mean but I have come to the realization that he is super controlling and I shop and shop because he cannot control that. It is an indirect dig at him.

[Twinofalice]

He isolates you. Just exactly like my husband has done to me. Honey I encourage you to go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  I do so. I also had a partial hysterectomy about 4 years ago. I’m 46 and have hormone pellets every 3 months.  Helps so much. Your life sounds so much like mine. But just decide to be happy you no matter what. And I am convinced he is a narcissist after reading everything.

[Paxiled]

I'm not saying taking synthetic hormones isn't sometimes necessary, but thoroughly discuss this with your doctor first.  There can be long-term effects.  There are ways of trying to balance hormones that don't require this, but when it is required, it is.

[Paxiled]

As I suggested, this isn't really about the dog.  The dog has brought this to a head.  I have no idea what actually happened.  My comments were based on the condition of your dog, which suggested the kind of deterioration dogs suffer when they start to die.  But the more this thread goes on, the more the focus in on the relationship you have with your husband and the relationship you have with your life.  You're in a very tough situation.  As Mom said, it is very weird if your husband has not comforted you or expressed any understanding of your loss.  It's one thing that he may have made a mistake.  It's another to be cold.  If your version is accurate, and we haven't heard from the other party to this, then we can't pretend to be able to fix this for you but you sound like a couple that grew together because you each liked that the other brought something very different to the relationship and now that the relationship is mature those differences have become more of a separating force.  You say you still love your husband and it sounds like he still loves you, but you are maturing in very different ways.  Do you think couples therapy might force you both to confront the issues that are dividing you and, if both of you truly want the marriage to last, move some distance back toward one another?  I mean, personally, you don't make him sound very likeable.  Again, I don't have his side of the story and there's probably a lot more to this than you're putting on here, a marriage has so many parts to it.  But if it has driven you to self-destructive habits and to putting your entire home life to your dogs because you don't feel like you can give it to him anymore, that's a considerable problem.  My Dad was a very liberal guy until life got hard for him with wives dying on him, and he became very conservative and narrow.  My sister converted to a rigid form of Christianity and became hostile to anyone who believed otherwise.  As people age, some get more and more conservative and bitter in every way about things and very rigid, while others open up.  People are different.  Your husband sounds like he has been successful financially and has a lot to lose now he didn't have when you got married.  But if he's really cocooning you as you describe and you're flowering with your renewed studies, well, something has to give.  You need to talk.  To one another.  I wish we could offer more substance here, but you can see we do feel with you.  

[Gaga4gaga]

Yes, I know he doesn't sound very nice and he isn't most of the time. He calls me a basket case and says my head stays in the clouds. My students often compliment me on my positive bright attitude but here lately its all a big fake facade. Our relationship is crumbling as I am tired of giving and giving and he is so rigid. I am a free spirit and he is a homebody. He used to try to do things that I enjoy but now he puts out zero effort. I love football and especially my hometown team and we have season tickets to the local NFL team and last season he refused to go to games with me.. I went to three games alone. I feel like I am always alone. His idea of effort is taking  me out to eat twice a week where we sit and look at our phones and don't talk much. I don't talk to him like I used to because all he does is berate me and yell at me for being a loser. He says I am having mid life breakdown and that I need to get it together or I will die in debt and all alone. Which is ironic because I already feel the way now. I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago and I have gained almost 50 pounds that I cannot seem to take off. I have become a horrible compulsive shopper and yes, my dogs are my true love in life at the moment.My daughter and my students are also one of the only things that keep me going daily. I guess after the event with my Teddy Bear I have come to the reality that he will never change. I think he resents and hates me because he has to work so much because I spend so much but the more lost I feel the more I spend... It is a horrible cycle. I know on the outside we appear to be a wealthy attractive couple but inside there is not much left. I just am at my wits end. He says if I get mentally happy then our relationship will go back to being a happy one and that my depression is why our relationship is not going well. I know he does love me, he just seems to resent me more than he loves me now. We are best friends most times... I am just really sad here lately and losing my Teddy has made it a thousand times worse. The big question is should I suck it up and move on and get a divorce or is it worth the fight to make it work. He will never move and I feel that I will never be happy where I live. I only want to fit in and feel slightly normal and wanted.

[Paxiled]

I think the answer is one we can't give -- that depends on you.  What we can do is ask what you're doing about your depression?  Did this start with the hysterectomy?  That can cause pretty dramatic hormonal problems.  Menopause alone can cause them.  Some people have a very hard time with hormonal changes and they can cause emotional problems, which by your latest description seems to have happened to you.  But here's the thing about mental illness -- or any illness -- some friends and family can handle it and some can't.  I have no idea why my wife stays with me -- stopping a medication sent my disorder into levels that can't be described.  I am not the person she married.  Not even close.  Mental illness can make some people very difficult to be around.  Others are easier to be around.  When my Mom, who had more friends than anyone I've ever known and was the center of a social circle, became paralyzed from cancer all her friends but two disappeared.  My Dad wanted to leave but didn't.  Fortunately, she died, for her and for him.  I can't comment on your marriage, though your account of your husband doesn't make him sound very appealing.  But I think your own illness is your most important thing to address -- what are you doing to try and escape your depression, for you, not for him?  

[Paxiled]

But as for the dog thing, people differ a lot about pets.  My wife and I had very different relationships with our dog -- as a guy, perhaps, I let the dog be a dog.  I went on a long runs and walks with her off leash.  We got separated three times but I still did it (she was very tuned in to human behavior, and she was waiting at a place she knew I would find her at but three times somebody saw her alone and took her home to call my wife -- didn't go me much good looking for her at the park).  But those were also the best times of her life, and I was the alpha, and dogs connect most closely to the alpha in the pack.  Who knows if they're capable of love or not -- they don't have a cerebrum, so they're thinking is much different than ours -- and in your pack it sounds like you were the alpha and your husband not involved as much.  To him, a dog is something different than it is for you, and that will never change.  My wife always walked the dog on a leash and always treated the dog like a child, whereas I treated the dog as a dog.  It didn't reflect less or more love, we both loved the dog to pieces, it reflected a difference in how we see dogs.  I'm only saying this because I don't see the dogs as the issue here, either the marriage's evolution is driving you both apart or your depression is and I don't know about that part, we can't know, we aren't there.  But we do know depression.  

[Gaga4gaga]

I know that before I had my hysterectomy I was a little depressed at times but after it my depression has been very bad. I have no quality of life. I sometimes get up in the morning from another sleepless night from back pain and look at myself in the mirror and wonder who this person is??? I have gained a lot of weight since the hysterectomy and my compulsive shopping has ratcheted  way up. I had high hopes that the pain that I has was endometriosis as my doctor suggested and after the hysterectomy I would at least get some kind of relief from those symptoms and could go back to exercising and feeling better about myself. I have low self esteem from my childhood which was NOT ideal and I wont get into that. My dad died in August and I seemed to really take a deep slide into depression. This year has been one of the shittiest years of my entire life. I had the shingles while my dad was dying from stress and then in December I got the flu which turned into a 10 day hospital stay for pneumonia. I have had more colds this year than I can count as well. I seem to stay sick. I am not quite sure what to do about my depression. I am looking for a psychiatrist at the moment and hope that I can get some real help. My husband can be very supportive most of the time and while he is mean a lot he says that i need tough love to pull out of this cycle that I seem to be in. Is it normal to never feel truly happy? I only feel happy when I am actively escaping my life by going to concerts, reading, traveling.... Shopping and eating makes me happy but that is only temporary.

[Paxiled]

That's the definition of depression -- you just don't feel good about much.  You have a lot more going for you than many because you don't seem to have an anxiety problem along with it, so you can do things and you do enjoy them -- many depressed people don't enjoy anything and those who also suffer from an anxiety disorder don't do much of anything.  You have things you like, which is something to build on.  I'd see a psychologist, a psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you have a hormonal imbalance, a common cause of anxiety and depression.  If it is due to hormonal imbalance, an antidepressant might make you feel better or not but it won't be tackling the real issue.  I'd at least research both natural and medical treatments for hormonal problems.  I'm guessing you have been, but I'll ask anyway, have you been tested for hormones?  Did you tell your specialists following the hysterectomy your emotional state went south?  

[specialmom]

Sweetie, this all makes sense.  Anger and underlying hostility can cause things like the need to shop and eat to wall ourselves in and bury these emotions.  Have you told your husband how furious you are.?  How hurt?  How betrayed?  What he did was hurtful.  

Our dog ca run.  Our dog is very attached to me.  Loves our family all but loves me best and openly shows that.  If I'm not home, she hides.  It drives my husband nuts.  But when we got her, I was grieving and she was my bandaid baby.  And she has a personality quirk where she is anxious so it was a perfect match for her to trust me the most from then on.  Anyway, I get on him if he doesn't leash her to take her out in case she runs.   And he's gone against that a few times.  But once he sees her running, he panics and moves quickly to rectify the situation.  A. he doesn't want anything to happen to our family pet.  And B. he knows the wrath of ME if something were to happen on his watch and by his carelessness that I've warned him about . . .  he doesn't want that on HIM.  I find your husband's actions after this quite odd.  Like this was a hostile act towards you.  Christians are supposed to be compassionate, aren't they?  yeesh.  

But I'd not let it fester inside as that could lead to the spending/eating.  The 'why the heck NOT go shopping' when you have rage and anger inside will happen.  Alcoholics often anger their partners purposefully so as to give themselves a reason (in their minds only) to drink.  It's a classic pattern.  So, this is not your situation but the same in that when we are angry and hurt, we tend to go for our drugs of choice more (for you shopping and eating).  So, tell him how you feel.  And how hurt you are.  Not with YOU statements like you did this or you always do that but I FEEL X.  Usually works better to not make the other person defensive.  

It's almost like these kinds of actions take a bite out of our positive feelings for something, or a piece of our love dies.  AT least that is how I envision it.  Someone did something to me once.  I never got over it.  I loved that person but on that day . . .   that bit was taken, that piece died.  And it never was quite the same.  Not a marital partner but a person I care about.  I hope this isn't like that for you but with piece after piece dying, eventually, we are left with an empty heart for them.  

Do you feel like your partner doesn't 'get' you at all?

[Gaga4gaga]

So here's my take on this... when I first married my husband I was 20 and very naive and he was 20 as well. We started dating when we were 17 and the free spirited and artsy things that he loved about me have now made me a target. When we were teenagers he would always say I was nothing like girls where her grew up and I think that and the fact that I was extremely intelligent and attractive is what he found exotic and different has now signaled me out as being weird and different in his hometown. While married, I got a BA a MATL and now am working on my Phd so I have truly changed as a person and my husband has NOT. My husband is a very good looking man and he is true as can be... I have never had to think he would ever cheat on me. After 20 years e is very BORING to me.. He does not like to travel and I long to travel d will travel whenever possible with to without him... He can be very suffocating.. he does not like me doing things without him.....Also, I think that it deeply embarrasses him that I no longer go to church with him and his parents are very verbal in the fact that they think I am going to hell. His parents have a very cold relationship and his father talks to my husbands mom like she is dumb and she waits on him hand and foot. I have never been good enough for them.. I work too much... am not religious enough.... don't baby him enough... etc.... I have given up on them ever accepting me for who I am. I am a good person, I don't cheat on my husband and I love him and have always been a good wife to him. We have a gorgeous 21 year old daughter who is successful and intelligent  too but VERY MUCH LIKE ME so they don't have much to do with her either. They have basically raised my husbands sisters two kids and only focus on them. My husbands sister is bipolar and an alcoholic who has lost her nursing license twice. Her sickness has taken over their entire family and my husband and I have separated ourselves as much as possible from that situation. I feel I am often compared to their daughter and it is not right because I raised my daughter and have always been there for my family and their daughter has abandoned their kids for abusive men and alcohol. The whole situation is very unhealthy and I feel nothing is ever normal in our lives because of it. We can't get together like normal families.

[Twinofalice]

I’m just going to say this because your life sounds similar to mine. Or rather your husband sounds similar to mine.  I have been with mine for 20 years. He is highly intelligent but also creative. Without saying exactly what company he works with, he has been there for 25 years and is a systems analyst and writes most of the code for his department and is sought after by other departments for help with problems arise. Again, super smart. Emotionally unavailable. Hardly talks to me once home. I hate going to dinner with him because I know he is just going to sit there. He is in my opinion a functioning alcoholic. He goes to the bar every day. Yes. Every. Day. Alone is something I’m very familiar with. Even when he is home.  I believe he is narcissistic and I believe your husband may be showing some of those same traits. Please research narcissism. It’s hard to live with. But if you love him and want to stay with him at least arm yourself with knowledge. Go with God, dear. I didn’t mean it like that. Although I do personally believe in Him. But I am going to pray for you. Be brave. Much love.

[specialmom]

I just wanted to welcome you to MedHelp Twinofalice.  Marriage can be hard!  There is a Relationships forum here too and would love to see you there.  When one suspects their partner is an alcoholic, that adds a whole other layer to issues.  Sorry you are dealing with that along with potential narcissism.  

[Gaga4gaga]

Thank you for your input Twinofalice... I am not sure if my husband is a narcissist ... he is just very old fashioned and had extremely traditional world views. He is good looking but he is not obsessed with it like a narcissist would be. He is just a control FREAK in the extreme.. it's his way or the highway... I sometimes feel like he is trying to be my father and not my husband. My husband does not drink a lot but he is a workaholic and a very successful business man. He sometimes works 14-16 hour days. I don't mean to make his sound like an ogre but he is gruff but can be sweet when he wants to be. Special mom I feel that my husband is not DEEP like I am... I feel like Lady Gaga... There's Gaga the outgoing facade that I put on to go to work and teach and interact and then there's just Steffani or just me without the costumes and artifice who is artistic and sensitive and kinda sad and lonely..... I connect with Lady Gaga as an artist and as a person. That's why I chose my login name after her. I am extremely outgoing with my students and well loved but it takes everything I have to be on all day. When I get home I AM EXHAUSTED. I am on synthetic hormones and they have stabilized my hot flashes but my depression is another story. I was seeing a LCSW counselor regular but didn't really find it helpful. I have a referral to see a psychologist in a month so hopefully I can get some real assistance.

[specialmom]

I'm just going to say that I think you have EVERY right to be furious with your husband.  His actions were irresponsible.  And maybe the dog died of natural causes but so what . . . he died alone in someone else's yard rather than natural causes at your house.   And it would be quite the coincidence that natural causes would take him ironically when he's lost and probably confused.  So, I get your anger.  I really do.  I'd have a real trust issue with someone that lacked that kind of respect to your wishes or caring for your dog!

On the other hand, I doubt that your husband had at idea his laziness or irresponsibility would result in this kind of situation.  He's probably as shocked as you.  Is he contrite?  Is he sad?  

How is the rest of your relationship?

12 is young for a yorkie, isn't it?  My little dogs lived until 17 and 18 years old.  Little dogs can live a long time.  So, I am sure you feel ripped off from a couple more years.  

I lost a dog and many will say you need to get over it, it's just a dog.  No.  They are our family.  It hurts and you miss them something fierce.  We did take the route of immediately putting a band aid on it and getting a puppy.  We were just so sad when we lost our dog . . .  the puppy helped us.  I adore her now.  Truly.  Adore her.  Now, my sister is one who can't stand the thought of another pet right away.  So, that's individual.  But give yourself some time and know that mourning and grief are terrible but you begin to feel better as tine goes on.

But I think you husband owes you an explanation.  And a massive apology.  So very sorry.

[Gaga4gaga]

I do not feel he died of natural causes unless it was a heart attack from panicking or exposure. My husband had his all buried when I got home from work that day. My daughter let it slip that she heard from a friend that he was "ran over".. I asked him and said there was no trauma. Teddy was my little Napoleon.. He had little man syndrome and he did NOT like my husband at all. In fact, he would not listen to him at all and ignored him most of the time. My husband seemed to have no feelings about his death except to state that he was OLD. My husband just never like or bonded with him. Now, He loves all of our other dogs and even plays with them. He did not apologize or comfort me any. I am so pissed with him still. We usually get along and we have been married 22 years. He can be very cold at times though. He was not always like this but he never cries or shows much emotion. He never tells me he loves me, he says he demonstrates that by taking care of my every need and providing for his family. He is just very old fashioned and old school. His parents are SUPER CHRISTIANS and he was raised going to church 5 days a week mostly. I was raised in a very liberal artsy family.  My husband is very conservative and a christian and I am a very liberal language teacher. I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe that there is something else out there. I get my recharge through music and nature not church.  He can be verbally abusive at times and is very curt with me. He does not seem to understand how sensitive I am or why I love my animals so much. They are my best friends. I have been having serious socialization issues as well. I used to go to church with him and pretend that I liked it for many years but I really hated it. The people that attend his church are hypoctites who use religion to judge and put down on others. I cannot seem to hide my contempt for it now. We do argue about religion a lot and money as I am a compulsive shopper and spender. I was not always a compulsive shopper and buyer but the last 4 years I feel that I have had a mini nervous breakdown and cannot cope with life in general at all. I use my dogs as my comfort and shopping and eating. In general though we get along and he is my best friend as well as husband. I am truly very lonely. I do not have many friends besides my family and my husbands friends. I was not raised where we live like my husband was and they people all believe if you don't go to church every time the doors open you're going to hell.

[Paxiled]

First, it sounds like your dog died of natural causes unless there's more to this story, and your dog died being outside, on an adventure your dog chose by escaping your yard, which is where dogs truly belong and feel the most like dogs.  A couple of years ago my dog died underneath the dining room table near her food bowl.  I felt bad because by the time I found her -- my wife and I thought she was sleeping -- she had been dead awhile, because rigor mortis was already setting in.  She was 16 years old and I felt really bad I wasn't there when she died, but I was also really happy she had such a peaceful death in a place she loved to be.  Like your dog, she was old and ill, 16 years old.  Dogs die when they get to the point your dog was at, and to die in that natural way rather than in a more suffering way might just be a blessing for your dog.  Now, about your husband -- he didn't go this so your dog would die.  Unless your dog had a habit of escaping your yard, in which case you're both at fault for not make your yard escape proof, you husband didn't know it would lead to this.  If he hadn't let the dog out, the dog likely would have died in your house but as you describe your dog it was time to go.  So I guess I have to ask, at a time when your husband and you should be your greatest support in the grieving, you're angry at him.  We all make mistakes but everyone and every living thing dies.  So I guess I have to ask this, are there problems in your relationship with your husband that is deflecting your grief into anger at him?  Is something else going on that makes this especially hard to get your mind around?  Because no matter where or when your dog died, it was going to hurt, and for a long time probably.    

[Gaga4gaga]

I think I am more angry that he denied letting him out and argued that he was in the house for over an hour before I finally decided to get my car and go searching. Also, he had no tears to shed over my Teddy Bears passing and didn't even comfort me. I love my husband but he is always so concerned with being "MACHO" he has a hard time being vulnerable. My husband has a bad and frequent habit of letting my dogs out and not letting them all back in. I came home one day and my 11 year old deaf shih tzu who has a bad heart condition had been out all day in the fence with no shade or water.  I understand dogs are supposed to be outside at times but I live near a busy road and I do not like my dogs being unsupervised. My husband and I usually get along but he doesn't love my dogs as much as I do. He is just careless and it makes me NUTS. He owns 5 businesses and is meticulous about everything except my dogs. I feel it is his way of trying to get rid of my babies. He does play with them and love on them so I know he likes them. I just don't understand his casualness with their supervision. We have been married for 22 years and have been together since high school. Our daughter is 21 and no longer lives with us so my dogs are my children now. I have two shih tzus as well and love them with all of my heart. I do volunteer with the ASPCA and at times have had foster dogs in our home and he is ok with them as well. He does not seem to understand my love for all animals. I frankly prefer my animals to humans a lot of the time.

[Gaga4gaga]

I also think he was ran over and my husband is hiding that from me. He would not let me see him when he went and picked up his little body. My daughter made a comment about him being ran over. When I asked him if he had been ran over he said no so I am unsure about how he actually died.

[Paxiled]

As I guessed, the problem seems to be in your relationship with your husband, which is why your grief is being directed at him.  I miss my dog like mad, and when the dog was alive I always tried to keep my focus on the fact that the dog is a dog and I'm a human and the dog wasn't my child -- it was hard, because my wife called me the dog's father all the time but that isn't the nature of the relationship between humans and dogs -- it's more one of you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, not necessarily, on the dog's part, love as we think of it.  Given that you no doubt know this I think from what you've said you have issues with your life you might need to do some soul searching about -- dogs are not children.  I think most people care more for animals than for humans because animals can't tell us what they're actually thinking about us so we can pretend it's anything we want.  With humans, well, there's that cerebrum getting in the way and we live very artificial lives these days that make our tribal nature archaic.  That leaves a lot of room for trying to make our way that isn't what it was for most of human history.  You're obviously grieving, and only time can take care of that part of it.  The rest you have to work out and come to terms with.  Good luck with it.  I only had the one dog, and after two years my wife and I still can't find our way clear to take care of another one.  It's just hard.