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Lexapro - uncontrollable suicidal thoughts

Hi, I'm new to this forum but I really need any sort of help I can get at this point so here I am. I'm 21, female, and have had Major Depressive Disorder since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I was on Lexapro for 5 years then hospitalized and then was on a variety of different anti-depressants for a few years until earlier this summer my newest psychiatrist decided to put me back on Lexapro 20mg as it is what is working for my mom. My problem is that I am dealing with an immense amount of suicidal ideation and planning on a daily basis, and I really can't control it. I remember being highly suicidal when I was first on Lexapro, but I was also dealing with some terrible situations and saw it as a normal reaction to dealing with that. I admit I am still going through a lot right now, but I know I've found ways to feel normal before, before starting Lexapro again. I feel like there are two different people in me right now, one just craving to end it all and not have to worry about a single thing again and then there's the normal me that wants to keep fighting. It's literally a battle in my head between the two all day every day. I have a psychiatrist with a phenomenal reputation, but I feel she's just too busy to deal with me and what I am going through, as she deals with many other serious clientele. I'm lost as to what to do, my withdrawals from Lexapro include even worse suicidal ideation than when I am on it, plus I get the brain zaps and constantly feel nauseous. I am also afraid there are little medications left to try out and I really don't want to be hospitalized again, though that is what my mom is recommending. If anybody has any advice, beneficial research, or even just stories of overcoming I would really appreciate it; anything that could help would be nice. I don't think I actually want to die, but I'm afraid that part of me that does want that has been winning for the past couple months and I don't want to make a stupid, permanent decision.
5 Responses
6300143 tn?1380221525
im 24....25 next week and female as well...and all i can say is that i am going through the same thing...i was hospitalized as a kid...i cut (still) and tried to end it years ago....i hate waking up in the morning and i cry knowing i have to pretend i am happy....but even when i cry...i am getting ready for work. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist...and it may not get better right now but i used to be happy....so if you can fight every morning to just try...that is half your battle honey. Message me if you like....I have hit a super bad low recently and every morning i have to fight...  
480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through this!  How long have you been back on the Lexapro, and at what dose?

As you already know, for some people, an increase in suicidal ideation occurs with these kinds of meds, especially at the beginning stages and especially in younger people (late teens early adults).  

If you've JUST started the Lexapro and you think you can withstand it, I would say you should see some improvements after about 2-3 weeks of starting, IF indeed what you're experiencing is transitional.  If you've been on it longer than 3 weeks then I think it may be time to think about other options.  You also may do better on a lower dose, working your way up.  This is definitely something to discuss with your doctor.  Are you in therapy?  If not, I would recommend it.  Especially at this time, when you're really struggling.

It goes without saying that if you are unsure of your intentions at ANY time, you need to seek help immediately.  You seem very smart and insightful, and the good news is, you seem to recognize that your thoughts are not likely actually WANTING to harm yourself, they're just scaring you (understandably).  Remember that FEAR is not FACT....sometimes those fearful thoughts are not necessarily grounded in reality...a lot of those stem from your history of having those kinds of thoughts, which can be exacerbated by many things (life circumstances, medication, etc).

If you really get to the point where you feel you cannot control your actions, or really start questioning these thoughts, then I agree with your Mom about going into the hospital again.  Please keep an open line of communication with your family and friends, ok?  Let them know how you're feeling and don't be afraid to reach out for support.  This isn't a battle meant to be fought alone.  If you keep reaching out and keeping your support people close by, you may be able to avoid a hospitalization, but if it comes to that, it's okay.  You need to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.

We're here for you as well, please keep posting and let us know how you're doing, okay?  I'm thinking of you!
6366979 tn?1380669524
I am 22 and understand how you feel. I have been dealing with depression for many years and it has been a rough road. I have been dealing with chronic pain for 5 1/2 years and it has been an emotional road. Many times I had thought I would be better off dead because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I managed to look at it from the point of view of my family and what it would do to them if I wasn't around anymore. If I were you I would try a licensed clinical social worker. They are really good people to go and talk too and are very helpful. I have been going to one since the beginning of summer and it helps to have someone to vent to and really take the time to get to know you and care. My person I go to is fantastic and she asks me about different things that I wouldn't expect her to remember. If you go to a smaller practice you might find it more comfortable and have a feeling of genuine concern from the provider. I know a lot of patients come and go from my counselor but she is so fantastic at what she does. I would love to do her job, I have considered becoming a licensed clinical social worker so I can also help people the same way she does.
6366979 tn?1380669524
One thing I forgot to add, have your doctors tried a higher dosage of medication? That may be the boost you need. Possibly a completely different medication too. Just a thought...
5685035 tn?1423932969
there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think\If you ever need a friend PM me! I am sorry your dealin w so much!! Know YOUR woth it and every thought and feeling is temporary!!
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