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Need advice on how to deal with my husband who is depressed
Heres a lil about my situation. Two days ago my husband was in a car accident (not his fault) and back in Oct he was in another car accident (his fault) anyways yesterday he was doing his running around to deal with insurance and getting his vehicle fixed etc... I got a call at 3pm from a doctors office telling me my husband was there and he told the doctor he is severely depressed and suicidal!!! we have a 5 yr old and am currently 20 wks pregnant. Im not sure how to deal with this. Stress isn't good for me or the baby. He's a very private person and doesn't like talking about things - even with me. They gave him an anti depressant med and something to help him sleep at night better. I don't even know where to begin with him on this. Depression is one thing but suicidal is another !! Please help me on this. We've been together for 7 years(married for 4) and 2 years prior to us meeting he was also depressed and suicial and was put in hospital( slit his wrists) Any tips on what to do to help would be great!!
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Thank you for your support, My one concern now is that in one week my parents are taking myself and my daughter to Florida for a week (My husband didnt wanna come - doesnt care for travelling) I told him on condition that he come home with me from the DR's that he must check in with Dr every 2 days and he must stay with his parents while im away - Is this fair of me to ask? He is also a road maintenance driver on a hwy here and now wonder everyday if he's going to try to kill himself while working on the highway. Im trying to think positive but just cant help feeling it.
I totally agree with the above post and there's not much I can add. But your husband was lucid enough to seek help and admit to the doctor that he was suicidal, so he wants help...not death. If he wanted to die he wouldn't have sought help. Take comfort in knowing that he is on medication which will help him immensely, but it can take 4-6 weeks so be patient. If he wanted to die, he would not take the medication. He also needs therapy, and if his doctor didn't suggest this, then I'd call the doctor and ask him to recommend a good therapist and have the doctor or one of his staff give your husband the information. Men are very private, and feel they need to be strong for the family, and rarely want to admit when they feel vulnerable. Let him know you understand and the two of you will get thru this together. Then let him know that he is only one person and can only do so much, and for him not to put so much pressure on himself. This is a great way to let him know that there is no pressure and you do understand. Then let the medication do it's job. Take great comfort in the fact that he did seek help which proves he will fight tooth and nail to be here with you and the kids. Depression is often caused by a chemical imbalance which he has no control over, with medication and some reassurance from a therapist and you, I feel he will be fine. I wish you all the best and take care.
You are correct you don't need the added stress. Stress, as you likely know, can be tragic to a woman in your state. Without actually talking to him it is hard to do anything about it. Of course he needs to talk to a therapist or get admitted for a little while. Express to him your concern and look up information on how stress have negative impact on your pregnancy. Show him this and ask him lovingly to seek help. I am not a therapist but there is likely a lot going on that he doesn't want to admit and that you can't tell us..... I am sending you a message.
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Try pregnancy yoga, make time for you- a hobby without your 5 yr old. Develop a physical and local support network, seek group counselling- support groups etc. Talk in person to people as online is alright, but too impersonal. Let yourself cry, it's a great form of stress release.
My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs as well, and next month we will have 6 yrs of marriage. He suffers from PTSD, and the terrible anxiety and depression that go with it. He has been suicidal for ages, but only since he started talking about his traumas has he been able to accept help.
Since men are proud and associate masculinity with being tough and sucking it up, and not whining- if he won't listen, then write him a letter. I am always writing letters to my husband. Validate his suffering, and be sure to tell him how much you love him, and still need him, and that if lets you into his pain that you won't judge him for it, but rather will fight for him, and with him as he battles these terrible feelings.
Having been suicidal in my own life, I have PTSD/OCD with comorbid bipolar disorder, I have figured out a great way to describe some feelings behind suicidal obsession/compulsion.
First, the depressive can only see 2" in front of them. They feel like their world is a bubble, and that it's caving on them. They are hanging on by a thread, desperate not to let it fall to pieces and come crashing down. The stress of this is exhausting, and they become very self-centered as they're the only one they can see- an emotional blindness.
The thoughts in their mind race, the dispair, the hopelessness, the fear, the fear and the fear. The frightened brain sees things very black and white. Living has pain, dying doesn't.
It seems like the ultimate answer- a lightbulb moment- and simple. They cannot see past the tip of their nose, so they don't grasp the impact that their decision will have on their loved ones. They feel like they're in a living hell, they have screaming monkeys in their heads and they assume that they are creating screaming monkey's in their family's heads and are a burden. The equation is clear to them.
What they don't understand is that it's not always death they want. Since the shutting off of noise is associated with death, it seems the only logical course of action, and since men are more logic than emotion they will throw themselves into it with gusto and try to drown out any feelings or emotions that might cloud their judgement and prevent them from being a man and protecting his family. I have come to liken it, however, to them wanting to see their family from behind a thick sheet of plexiglass, like at a hockey arena. They can then see their family grow, be happy, have fun, and move on with life. They thing is, they want to see this, something that doesn't register with the death thoughts.
They want to see all of the happiness- but with quiet in their heads. Emotional quietness, no racing thoughts, no screaming monkeys............ no pain.
They don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop.
Your husband simply might not have the right words to describe what he is feeling. Offer him words when it's you and him alone. Take him for a drive at night, YOU DRIVE. A man will speak more freely if he can't see your face, and he feels you can't see the shame in his eyes.
Seek counsel for yourself, educate, educate, educate. It is KEY to understanding and coping. Learning won't fix your problems, but you can develop compassion, understanding and strength from it- and coping skills.
Find the crisis line numbers for your area- memorize them, put them on speed-dial on your home phone and your cell phone. USE THEM. Learn how to have someone committed. It's a great tool, and I have used that to my advantage. It has prevented my husband from trying anything stupid. Grow a pair of brass ones- threaten him with the committal if necessary, and go through with it if he doesn't back down.
Get your plan, and then just keep showing love. Validate his pain, but make sure you always validate your OWN pain. If he's in hospital, it's the safest place for him. Let the medical professionals deal with him. If he's not safe at home, then have him put into hospital. It's the loving thing to do.
I send you my warmest regards, and compassion, and sympathy for what you are going through. It's not easy at all to go through what you have in front of you. No matter what happens, you're going to be alright.